Care for some Kool-aid?
I'm writing this about 2 and a half months after it happened, but that doesn't matter. Halloween rolled around again, and this time I was prepared.
Halloween is a wonderful holiday. I wish it existed in Australia. Yes, I know it sort of does, but it's just not the same. Australians don't get Haloween just like Americans don't get Rugby. You have to grow up with it to really appreciate the finer nuances.
For me, Halloween is the high-point of the year, the finest cultural offering in the Americana repitoire. It's fun, it's all-inclusive, and you get to bloody well dress up. Sure, Thanksgiving has its terrible sitcom specials (how many episodes about family troubles do we need?) and its mountains of bird-meat... Independance Day has its explosives and alien invasions... and Christmas has its shiny electronic presents and twenty thousand songs about Jesus... but Halloween is where it's at.
Halloween is the holiday with a sense of humour. It's not supposed to be respectful or traditional, or a time for family. It's the time when little kids (and entire Mexican extended families) go wandering around in the dark in search of Candy. For the rest of us, as I said, we get to dress up and cause ruckus. The only limit is your imagination. Which is actually where I think Australia falls down, even when there is a half-arsed effort to do something (Halloween parties, mainly). It seems to me that in general, mostly through lack of experience, Australians think of Halloween costumes in terms of the quaint old staples - vampires, witches, and so forth. Wrong! The idea is to be unique and/or quirky! QUIRKY! Well, for me it is, at least.

I know I've often spoken of my High School in... less than glowing terms, but at least they let people go to school in costume on Halloween. Not as many people did this year compared to last year... maybe 1/8th of the school altogether. Nearly all of my friends dressed up, though, cos we're cool like that:

High School Redux
I've talked about this topic already, but that won't stop me from covering it again.
Last time, I mainly focussed on the social aspects of my school. This time, I'm gunning for the US educational system in general (figuratively). To me, the entire system seems set up so that the lowest common denominator can pass easily by figuring out how much work they have to do, what corners they can cut and get away with, and just generally by working the system. Grades are given based on percentages, with A being 90% to 100%, B being 80% to 90%, C being 70% to 80%, and D being 60% to 70%. F is below that 60% mark. The ultimate goal for students, therefore, is to earn those grade points. All goals and incentives are based on those percentage points.
It's not about learning to think for yourself, to be able to better cope with post-school society... it's about memorisation, it's about figuring out exactly what the teacher wants to hear, and it's about knowing how little work you can get away with. In short, it's all a huge and shallow exercise based on jumping through academic hoops. For someone like me, a self-proclaimed intellectual slacker, it's ludicrously easy to cruise straight through, maintaining at least a respectable B average (around about a 3.5 GPA, for the Yanks who understand that term).

Needless to say, this is generally a rather mindnumbing experience. There's very little actual mental stimulation, very little in the way of creative thinking, very little independant thought at all. The teachers are pretty much told exactly what to teach by the State (California, in my case), and they usually don't deviate from that curriculum. Many teachers don't 'teach' much of anything, but rather, they merely give assignments and then read out the answers later on.
This all adds up to make school a mindnumbing, unengaging process, not really requiring much critical thinking to succeed. The emphasis isn't on quality or demonstrating that you've even learnt anything, it's just about turning something in, churning something out. Teachers often fudge the numbers to raise a grade, because so much emphasis is placed on the mathematical grading system. At the bottom of virtually all schoolwork is the knowledge that it's all hollow busy-work, designed to test how well you can churn out the responses the teachers and the State are after, and how well you can manipulate the artificial and arbitrary rating system.

The cynic in me says that public school here is aimed at moulding young minds, instilling certain myths and values into them from a very early age (for example, by teaching a very slanted, simplistic, version of history. They also have children saying the Pledge of Allegience from the start of school - before they even know what words like "allegience" mean), pre-emptively crushing unorthodox viewpoints, placing certain accepted ideas inside their heads aimed at discouraging trains of thought that might lead to unwanted conclusions... and just generally aimed at helping to prepare their minds for a life of content, apathetic drudgery. That's just me, though.

Actually, the school system does seem very narrowly focussed, but not on the previously mentioned discouraging of independant thought (however, that's seemingly a side-effect of the current system, intentional or not). The focus here, in a word, is college. Note: College is the general American word for University, although they use both phrases. People ralk about "going to College" as a general way of referring to going to any 4-year place of tertiary education, whether it's called a University or a College. Meanwhile, I think 'college' in Australia generally refers to a technical college such as TAFE, where courses can often be taken simulteneously with high school. This used to lead to minor confusion on my part as to whether American 'college' and Australian 'university' are the same thing or not. I just thought I'd clarify in case anyone else had the same nagging confusion. At the bottom of it all, high schools are focussed, totally and completely, on getting kids prepared for college.
Colleges these days require a crapload of things from potential students; things like completion of certain courses, achievement of certain grade levels, out-of-hours club participation, completion of various optional standardised tests (as well as thousands of dollars in fees each year) and other similar things. They aren't required in theory, but kids are made to think that these things must be accomplished, and in fact the system is such that to get into most of the more "prestigious" schools, many of these optional extras must be done.
Schools are consumed almost completely with making sure kids complete all those requirements to get into a good school. It's quite an overwhelming thing, even for me, and I tune most of it out because it's useless information to me.
There's an almost unconditionally accept mindset; MUST GET GOOD GRADES, MUST COMPLETE OPTIONAL EXTRA ACTIVITIES, MUST MAKE SELF LOOK GOOD ON APPLICATIONS FOR COLLEGES, GET INTO GOOD COLLEGE. IF I NOT GET INTO A GOOD COLLEGE THEN MY LIFE IS RUINED FOREVER. The idea that one must get into college to succeed in life is almost universally accepted by Americans. This leads to a certain amount of stress for kids whose grades are less than optimal (I've seen people almost reduced to tears because of getting a "bad" final grade in a class, like a C. Nevermind that Cs are, in theory, average). It seems that most kids don't see any alternatives to the accepted college rout laid before them. This college-obsession also leads to a measure of elitism among the educated, based on the percieved "quality" of different colleges.

It's seemingly a metric crapload harder, and a metric crapload more important to get into college here in the US, as well as being a hell of a lot more expensive. It's also a lot more difficult to get ahead in life without a college degree in the US, because of the value placed on a college education by American society. I'd venture that this is because most people do most of their important learning and intellectual development in college (or maybe they're just percieved as doing so), because they don't get much of a chance High School. Meanwhile, here's the kicker... they generally don't get much in the way of intellectual growth in High School, because they're so busy jumping through the hoops and focussing on getting into college! It all goes around in circles.
Seems like a rather ineffective and counterproductive setup to me. Oh well, to the best of my knowledge and recollection, the Aussie system's not really any better, though maybe slightly less mindnumbing. We'll see soon enough, though.

The wonders of the internet.
Recently, I added a new web counter on the main page, one which allows me to see various things about the people who access my site. For example, I know that fifteen New Zealanders, two Greeks and a Russian have wandered through at various times in the last month or so.
Rest assured, I am watching you all. (Alexander Schmidt of Concord, New Hampshire... you are a dirty dirty man.)
Anyways, part of this snazzy new feature is that I can also look at how people are finding my site via search engines. Well, via AskJeeves at least. I'm pretty sure Google hits don't show up for some reason. That's irrelevant though. The point I'm driving for here is that some strange queries have led people to my site. Needless to say, they usually didn't find what they were looking for, and it baffles me how some of these keywords led here.
Being the wise and generous person that I am, it's only fitting that I offer some answers to help out those people seeking them here.

Q: Why do Australians eat a lot of steak?
A: I believe a large part of the reason is the recent banning of cannibalism in Australia. This forced many Australians to seek an alternative source of red meat.

Q: fifty-two states in the u.s. taught australian website
A: Oddly enough, this actually makes sense. Some Australians think there's 52 states. Let me assure you that there isn't.

Q: surf wear and street wear brand consciousness among teenagers in australia
A: Yes.

Q: What is the term used to describe an Australian accent?
A: I believe the term you are searching for is "Australian".

Q: Comparison Of Democrat Vs Republican
A: The short answer is that they're in the pockets of different corporations. Long answer here.

Q: what is the diference between cussing and swearing
A: Fuck you.

Q: what is the line for the replacement of the president apon death
A: I don't know, but I hope Mr T is somehow involved.

Q: how much meat does the average american eat in a year?
Q: How much pizza do Americans eat in a day?
Q: how much soup do americans eat?
A: 163, 57, and 124. In that order.

Q: differences in rules between aussie rules football and rugby
A: Rugby is large, scantily clad men bloodying each other's noses, and you can't pass the ball forward.
Australian Rules Football is large, scantily clad men bloodying each other's noses, and you aren't allowed to throw the ball.

Q: IN AUSTRALIAN ENGLISH WHAT DOES WALTZING MATILDA MEAN?
A: TO GO WALKING IN THE BUSHLAND WITH ONE'S SWAG.


Q: what's the time difference between colorado and new zealand
A: Colorado is GMT -7 and New Zealand is GMT +12, so the difference is 19 hours. In theory.
However, this changes because of daylight savings, (the northern hemisphere switches into DST about the same time the southern hemisphere switches off) so the difference is 18 hours for pretty much half the year, and 20 for the rest. Also, because NZ is so far ahead, on the other side of the date line, it's easier to think of it being 4, 5, or 6 hours behind (but a day ahead) rather than trying to work out the 18, 19 or 20 hour difference.
(What, you were expecting a sarcastic or flippant answer? Me? Never.)


Q: What do mexicans do on independance day?
A: This is a trick question. Everyone knows that Mexico is part of Texas, and therefore never had an Independance Day.

Q: differences between Australians and Americans
A: I'd love to answer this, but I'm afraid you've got me stumped.



There now, don't you feel a whole lot smarter and better informed?

Mother-f!@king Nature.
Something recently occurred to me about this country. There's a Metric Crapload of weird natural-disaster type things happening. I'm pretty sure there's no part of the country that doesn't stand a reasonable risk of experiencing one of them every so often. If it's not earthquakes, it's floods, fires, tornados, hurricanes (more on that in a moment), blizzards, volcanoes or tidal waves.
Here in California they get fires, and although those are comparatively small, (500 acres versus 500 000 acres and upwards in Australia) no matter where they spring up, they're almost always threatening homes because it's densely populated. Even given that, there are always earthquakes to keep one from deluding Californians and other West Coasters into a feeling of safety. (Plus the whole Mount St Helens thing further north...)
Further out towards the middle, it gets really horrid. As if it wasn't bad enough that these unfortunate people have to live in the central part of the US... they get huge fires comparable in size to Australia's larger blazes, floods can strike anywhere... then there's blizzards as far south as Texas, and (I believe) dust-storms all over the place. To top it off, the most powerful item of weather on the planet, the tornado, makes an amusing and deadly game of relocating random trailer-park trash (or possibly the same unlucky people repeatedly).
Meanwhile, they get hurricanes along the southern Atlantic coastline and the Gulf of Mexico, and huge (Perfect?) storms further north. Plus paralysing blizzards slightly inland...
Hawaii is safer than most parts... until they get a huge earth-quake triggered tidal wave roll into Honolulu, that is.
Then there's the volcanos, space aliens, meteors and deadly diseases the movies make look like so much fun... They sure do keep rebuilding New York and Los Angeles a lot.

Given that this country is is supposedly blessed by God, He seems to be trying awfully hard to get rid of them...

This seems a suitable time to mention the whole hurricane/tornado/cyclone thing. It's one of those little differences in terminology between Australia and the US. I will do this in chart form:

TORGO	INTENSE LOW PRESSURE SYSTEM - A TROPICAL STORM THAT LOOKS LIKE AN 'EYE' ON WEATHER MAPS	POWERFUL, FUNNEL-LIKE, 'TWISTER' THINGY, AS SEEN IN VARIOUS TRAILER PARKS IN THE MIDWEST.
AMERICA WORD	HURRICANE	TORNADO or CYCLONE
AUSTRALIA WORD	CYCLONE	TORNADO

California Dreaming.
Occasionally, I am asked by someone about the world's impressions of America. Sufficed to say, that's a pretty broad question and I don't think there's any one answer, (at leastone that isn't insulting to our North American counterparts) though I think I might've found a decent analogy. The USA is to the world what California is to the USA - a huge, mostly far away place with lots of money and people, an inward-looking sort of mindset, and a general attituded of superiority.
Someone once told me that California is considered one of the best places in the world to live, by everyone who doesn't live here. It's a sensible enough line of thinking. From the outside, California seems to have this sort of appealing mystique about it. It's probably rooted in historical factors, but for whatever reason, California seems to be thought of as a place everyone is free to do what they want, a far off land of sun and opportunity and whatnot. Someone forgot to tell the rest of the world about the power-shortages and expensive gas (petrol). And the Earthquakes... From the inside, California is also something of a world apart. It's in America, but has a totally different culture and attitude compared to most of the country. (for vastly different cultures, see also Hawaii, New York, Oklahoma, and Georgia...) When I speak of 'America', oftentimes my observations are based mostly on Californians.

It's vaguely difficult to speak of 'California' as a single entity, because it is a huge place, with 30 million people. It's really several distinct little entities all united by a common state government, based in the (I'm convinced it is non-existant. You hear bizzarely little about the city down here, especially considering it is the capital) invisi-town of Sacramento.
Down here in San Diego, one gets a very skewed sort of view of California. For San Diegans, California is pretty much divided into;

• Southern California, which is for San Diegans everything between Los Angeles and Mexico. I think it's pretty much what most people think of when they have mental pictures of California. (I often hear San Diego referred to as the perfect example of a 'typical' Southern Californian city...) Endless sunshine, basically perfect weather, and whatnot. Shallow and commercial for the most part, but laid back and a lot of fun.
  
• Los Angeles. This obviosuly enough, is LA, and also the sprawling suburban expanse that radiates outward from it, while not actually falling within the borders of 'The city of Los Angeles'. Like the rest of SoCal, but more stressful and dirty.
• The Bay Area. This is San Fransisco and its surroundings. A cultural centre. To paraphrase any given Falwell-type nutcase, it's a "city of wackos and deviants. Lots of commie-liberal-pinko-leftist-greenie-queerlovers. The epicentre of everything that is wrong with America." Stuff like this are hurled at the area as abuse by those wacky christian right-wingers, but even if the people of the Bay Area decided to care what the rest of the world thought about them, they would take such comments as compliments. It's an awesome place. If I ever came back to the States, this is where I'd go.
• Northern Califorina. I'm pretty sure actual people live here. It's hard to tell. San Diegans generally know a lot about the area encompassing the LA sprawl and southwards, but beyond that it gets pretty vague. Pretty much everything north of the Los Angeles sprawl excluding the Bay Area, is an seen as almost extension of Oregon and Washington states.
• Inland. Effectively everything that is not coastal. This is either empty wasteland, or an absurd liberal myth. I'm not quite sure. Some people have tried to convince me that there's whole cities out there, but I don't believe them.
  OK, this is a huge exaggeration... but the inland of the state of California gets precious little attention. There are some quite large towns out there, but they're massively overshadowed by Los Angeles and the rest of the incredibly populated coastline.

Where was I? Oh yes... I hate Los Angeles. I really do. OK, hate is a strong word... but... yeah. I don't like being there. Far from being the 'centrepiece' or 'jewel' of Southern California, or whatever, it really serves as a nightmarish urban sprawl that exists to discourage people travelling from San Diego to San Fransisco and vice versa. It's probably a slightly irrational feeling, but it's very common among denizens of this part of the world. The general sentiment (one that I share) is that Los Angeles is huge, ugly, dirty, shallow, and just generally not a good place to be. To quote Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (and thus confirm my geekiness), L.A. is like "several thousand square miles of American Express junk mail, but without the same sense of moral depth. Plus the air is, for some reason, yellow."
Don't bother getting into this discussion with Los Angelenos of course... they're quite happy in their sprawling, dystopian wasteland. The city's denizens seem to think they live in a great place. Seldom will you find a Los Angeleno that doesn't love the fact that they live in Los Angeles.

It takes all types to make a world. Even Californians.

Jesus was an American.
I've visited apon the subject of religion in America before, but not for a while. It's an odd subject, especially for someone from a nation of half-arsed agnostics, such as my blasphemous atheistic self. I'd wager someone from a more religious background (christian or otherwise) might have a totally different view on things.
Anyways, the christian religion is much more a presence in American life than in Australia. It's also a touchier subject, because more people feel strongly about it... and those folks usually don't have much of a sense of humour about anything, let alone their faith. This makes things a bit strange for me, being a totally unreligious person, who thinks nothing is sacred and can find humour in nearly anything... luckily I have equally blasphemous friends to laugh with. Anyways, let me expound on some of the religious aspects of this country.

Firstly, there's the bizzare 'protection from God' kick a lot of people seem to be on. ("God Bless America" and whatnot) Could you imagine John Howard ending a speech with 'God bless Australia'. I'm pretty sure he'd be laughed out of Parliament. Here, there's a whole group of politicians who think America is under some special protection from God, and that America has to follow (their) Christian morals or society will collapse. I'm going to go straight to the most extreme example of the Christian Right there is, to illustrate this:

"The pagans and the abortionists and the feminists and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way -- all of them who have tried to secularize America, I point the finger in their face and say 'you helped this happen.'" - Jerry Falwell, a day or two after September 11. The statement was retracted after a public outcry, predictably enough.

Bear in mind that for the most part it's infinitely more subtle and harmless. This guy is an extremist Christian politican, probably the most vocal and extreme member of the Chrstian Right. He thinks that America is losing 'God's favour' or some similar nonsense. Think "Fred Nile" with a slightly higher degree of support and legitimacy. Of course, this guy is a complete loon, and not many people take him seriously.
There are a lot of people, however, who think 'the Bible says so' is an acceptable reason for outlawing things. (Never mind that the Bible also tells us to stone heretics and to murder women and children when sacking a city of non-believers) There's a lot of people who think American society should be based solely on what the Bible says, and make appeals to 'christian morals' and whatnot. This line of thinking mainly occurs in the 'Bible Belt', that region of these here United States that stretches across the lower portion of the United States... from the Deep South, all the way to New Mexico or Arizona. (Or perhaps it stretches even to the outer suburbs of San Diego...) These are the places where things like homosexuality are sometimes illegal, and at the least they're pretty much ignored/shunned/hated, and they're places where the teaching of the theory evolution in schools is controversial. This is not to say everyone in Kansas or Mississippi thinks this way... but it's a vocal minority at the very least.

One of the major side-effects of this more Christian mindset is that it's an incredible source of unintentional humour. There's the hardcore christians, labelling and condemning pretty much everything except bible-study and church picnics as 'sinful'... there's Christian clubs at school... there's Mormons (who I'm strangely fond of. Perhaps I'll write about it one day)... and then there's the whole 'Christian merchandise' industry: Money-grabbing for Jesus™! Yes kids, there's a whole section of the capitalist system devoted to producing crap little things to promote christianity and Jesus and the whole deal.
There's an overabundance of tacky T-shirts, bumper stickers, and buttons (Christian slogans are, without exception, awful) and other similar crap you use to loudly proclaim your Bible-Basher status. Thrift stores are a good source of this stuff. There are christian children's toys and books, whole pseudo-genres of music (would you believe there is Christian Punk and Christian Rap? There is of course, Christian Rock, and just about every other genre as well... See also: Creed) plus some things too bizzare to quite describe properly. (Like whatever this is) I love this stuff, it really is incredibly fun. A friend of mine owns a 'Happy Birthday Jesus' pin, and another (a non-practising Jewish girl) has a children's book called How the Jews Killed Jesus... I was given a Jesus action figure for my birthday. A Jesus action figure! It's wonderful. I'm convinced that the biggest upside to the very visible Christian presence in American society is its sheer entertainment value.
See also: Yourgoingtohell.com

Funny as it all is, there's a creepy vibe lurking just below the surface. Wondering what the minds of people who take this stuff seriously must be like... I've seen ads on cable TV for christian music CDs. I'm not talking about christianised mainstream genres of music, but actual hymns and singalong things like that kumbiyah song... the CD was called something like 'Songs for Worship'. (These are sugary, trite pieces of crap about how much God loves us all). What's wierd is the visuals... showing lots of people waving their arms around, closing their eyes, praying, and generally behaving in a way you might expect from a member of a fringe cult. The looks on these people's faces is quite disturbing and I couldn't hope to replicate it for you. Be glad you've never witnessed these ads.

There are downsides, of course, and one of them is the cult/clique at high school that I dub 'Christ-kids'. These are people who are really into Christianity... so much so that their life is based around things like Bible-groups and church-outings and so forth. They're often hard to spot, because they are outsiders who tend to stick to themselves, so they exist below most people's radars... but they're there. For the most part, they are elitist and obnoxious, with an "I'm better than you because I have Jesus in my life" sort of attitude exuding from every pore. They're the ones who wear the clothes with the lame christian slogans. (For example: "I'm watching you" - God) They are mostly dull and innoffensive sorts of people, but something about them just irks me. This is a horrible generalisation, probably irrational and based in my growing up in a totally unreligious atmosphere, but it's something that just gets to me. I'm probably a bad person for disliking these people for no particular reason, but there you go. (Actually, I'm probably a bad person for a few reasons other than that...)
Not all christian kids are like this of course, but there's one sub-section of them that are as annoying as some of the other stupid little social cliques you see forming at high schools. I'm not sure if these annoying, hypocritical wannabe evangelists exist outside the confines of high school society, (perhaps they grow up and realise no-one wants to hear it) but either way, they are very annoying, and something I'm glad don't really exist in Australia.

I could also rant about the general hypocracy of (moderate) Christians in this country. In fact, I will. I've covered the extremists, so now onto the silent, indifferent majority. Basically, I dub the general suburban American approach to Christianity the 'McJesus™' faith. It's the cheap, convenient way to worship! Go to church, say your prayers, don't be gay or otherwise 'sinful', and you're covered. No self-sacrifice, no discipline, no charity, no loving thy neighbour or any of the other inconvenient stuff... because hey, you're covered- You can't help sinning, and Jesus forgives you, so why bother? This way, people can drive their big gas-guzzling SUVs, eat their cheeseburgers, and generally live affluently in their priveledged station in life without guilt ever ruining their shiny, wholesome, ignorant, god-loving view of the world. Jesus paid it all.

Basically, I think Americans are more conscious of the Christian religion than Aussies. It probably partly stems from the different sorts of people who founded our respective countries. I'll assume a certain amount of historical knowledge and not explain that any further. (Hint: convicts versus puritans)
I'm certain that a higher portion of people go to church regularly here, and a higher portion claim to believe in God... (half-remembered statistics that I might be pulling out of my arse put the percentage of Australians claiming to have no religion at about 25% and Americans at about 10%.) and I know that things like Sunday School are a hell of a lot more common here. Whereas, in Australia, you get funny looks if you talk about Jesus and church and stuff too much, and kids who go to Sunday School usually get made fun of.

Of course, my rant really only applies to one religion. That religion just happens to be the largest and most visible in both countries that I speak of. It isn't the only religion, though, and that's something I think a lot of people tend to forget, especially the more zealous Christians and the militant anti-christian atheists.

Now is the time for a disclaimer about all the preceeding text: I am an atheist, I make fun of Jesus and christianity and whatnot... but I don't have anything against Christians in general. Just the ones who do and say stupid, obnoxious and/or hypocritcal things, in the name of their faith. If you're christian and taking offense... just assume I'm not talking about you. Whatever gets you through the night.

I've realised something else. In Australia, (at my school at least) it's pretty much accepted for primary school students to attend a church service at easter. We'd sit and half-listen, and no-one got too upset about it. Teaching scripture/religion in public schools is also something that doesn't raise too many eyebrows in Australia. I think it's because most Australians have very laid-back attitudes to religion. We just don't care. I suppose it helped that it was, in theory, non-denomoniational scripture. For my school, at least, religion was an opportunity to slack off, or more often to fuck with the teachers, because they were arseholes. (All religion classes I have was ever in back in Australia devolved into 'ask difficult questions and get the teacher distracted' sessions within ten minutes.)
Whereas here, in the USA, where a lot more people are a lot more religious, people would scream bloody murder if religion classes were taught in public schools. This is even the case in ultra-christian parts. It's because if you teach one denomination of Christianity, others will get upset (Baptists, Methodists, Catholics, etcetera) and you'll have a right royal mess on your hands. Then there's the Jewish folks, and other minority faithss, who understandably enough also don't want their kids being forced to read the Bible and take tests on the commandments, or whatver... Religion in schools is a minefield here, something most people don't want to see happen.
So Australia, a nation of half-arsed agnostics (and a few Greek Orthodox folks), find it more acceptable to be teaching religion in schools than the more religious Americans... I find that ironic.

I have but one more thing to say... Repent, filthy, perverted, heathen SINNER!

Ohmigod, I like, so wanna go to Australia one day!
Australia seems to be held in rather high regard by the majority of Americans. Quite often when meeting an American, the first thing they'll say after figuring out/being told that I'm Australian is 'I wanna go to Australia some day'. It's bizzarly common. Australia's a nice place and all, but there are plenty ofother more interesting places to visit.
The reasons for this fondness for Australia are varied. Some say they want to visit because of the surf, (which we do of course have rather a lot of, being the world's largest island and all that...) some for the 'outback' and the scenery and animals and all that, and some just think we're cool people. I'm sure plenty are attracted by our reputation as an unruly nation of pissheads. One guy I once talked to wants to go and shoot kangaroos...

So what sort of place do Americans think they'll be visiting that makes it so damn attractive a proposition? Why is it that we're so oddly well-liked and popular? It seems to me that on the whole, most Americans are pretty clueless about Australia, beyond the cultural memes such as Foster's ads and famous people who appear in things beginning with the word 'Crocodile'. This helps make Australia into this vague, far away, half mystical place that no-one really knows much about. Australia is a world apart. (Of course, the rest of the world is far away from Australia, not the other way around)
In many ways, we are the distance, half-forgotten paradise that so many people seem to believe we are. We're on the other side of the world from most of the 'important' countries, and it takes a lot of time and money to travel to Australia. We have never been very important to history and world affairs (even in the things that we think we were important. Most Americans aren't aware that WW2 came so close to Australia, and that we served as the springboard for the US's counter-attack against the Japanese...) and we're seldom newsworthy. I have seen Australia in the mainstream American news (CNN and its bitch networks, like NBC and ABC) twice so far; the Tampa refugee bungle, and the fires south of Sydney earlier this year. I believe it may have been mentioned in passing that Howard was re-elected.
The one thing in which we do stand out and excel, the thing that makes us at least slightly noticable in places like England, (Sport) goes unnoticed because the Yanks play their own goofy games and don't care about real sports like Cricket and Rugby Union. It's not that we're uninteresting, but we're one of those minor countries that are pleasnatly thought of, but hardly necessary or important. Like Denmark or New Zealand. Australia could more or less dissappear overnight and the world (much less America) wouldn't really notice too much.

If we're so unknown and unimportant, then why is it that so many Americans seem to want to go to Australia? I'd be inclined to think that many who say this are just being friendly and making conversation, but there are other people from foreign countries here and to my knowledge, they don't hear "I wanna go to [x-country here]" that much. I think it's partly to do with that mystique I spoke of early. No-one knows anything of consequence about us, but what they do know gives a vague sense that Australia is a Good Place. There's all sorts of intersting stuff, bizzare animals, awesome scenery, friendly and fun-loving people (allegedly...) making us seem slightly exotic. (Australia exotic? Bizzare notion, eh?)
On the other hand, there's none of the dangers that are usually associated with 'exotic' foreign countries. We're peaceful and safe, we've got clean water, electricity, medical stuff, all those nice things that mark a prosperous country. We don't actively try to kill Americans or blow up their buildings, and in most ways, visiting Americans will find Australia very familiar. Australians speak English, there's pizza and beer readily available, there are phones, internet, and Seinfeld.
So perhaps it's the mixture of the strange and mysterious with the familiar and mundane, or perhaps we're just that damn lovable.

To tell the truth, I'm really no closer to figuring out just what it is that makes Australia so attractive a place to Americans... but I'm trying. I'm also trying to think of a decent response to "I wanna go to Australia some day." Maybe I'll recommend they attend our annual Festival of Cannibalism.

Stoutback Atehouse
Recently, while we were in Seattle, we (my family) got a sense of morbid curiosity about the Outback Steakhouse near our hotel. So off we went, to take a look at this most famous of bastardisations of our culture.
For those who don't know, the Outback Steakhouse is basically a run of the mill 'franchise restaurant', with a pseudo-Australian theme. It's a fairy stereotypical 'outback' theme type thing... pretty much what you'd expect from a chain started by a random Yank trying to make a buck off the seeming popularity of anything percieved to be 'typically Australian'. (Overusage of the word 'mate' for example) They actually have an Outback Steakhouse in Parklea in Sydney, according to their site. The site also claims that 'bonzer times start with awesome outback tucker'. Just so you know.

Apon entering, I found what I'd expected- an array of various depictions of animals on the walls; koalas, kangaroos, and the like. Also movie posters from Australia and a few other odds and ends. There was also a couple of Australian flags, which suprised me for some reason. Then there's the giant cutlery. That's 'silverware' for you Yanks. At any rate, the knoyfes (they're not actually called that. But it's fun to say 'knives' like Queenslanders do) are elaborate, about 15 inches long with big handles and serrated edges... they look designed to saw through bone. The other cutlery is also a bit oversized, but the knife steals the show.
Onto the menu. The menu is where the bulk of the entertainment is to be had. It's fairly standard fare, but everything has these cheesy themed names which bring enjoyment and mirth.
Firstly, many dishes are named after places in Australia. You can get an Alice Springs Salad, some Toowoomba Pasta, a Brisbane Caesar Salad, or the Melbourne (a 20 ounce steak). Most of these are bland at best, but I thought that Botany Bay Fish O' the Day was clever... even though I have my doubts about how healthy it is to eat fish from any waterway in Sydney.
There's something there called 'Bloomin' Onion'. I haven't a clue what it is, but it's an appetiser there, (or, an 'Aussietiser', according to the Steakhouse menu...) and the description reads "an outback Ab-original". I can hear the groans from here. The rest of the menu is merely silly and amusing... but this one is downright awful. Painful.
Not as painful as what they're apparently doing to John Howard, though. There's a menu choice called the Prime Minister's Prime Rib. I wouldn't have imagined that our beloved little PM has too much meat on him, but there ya go...

Meanwhile, Anne writes, on her excellent website: A couple of references were lost on me, and if anyone can shed light on these, please email me. What are they trying to convey when describing their "Brisbane Caesar Salad" as "A 'Hooley Dooley' portion of our Caesar Salad topped with your choice of…" Hooley Dooley? I know it must be my own interpretation to instantly envision they are suggesting the salad is served by placing it before the customer upon the blades of a prone table-top fan and pressing the "on" button. (Now that would give you a hooley-dooley of a surprise!) And exactly how big is an "Aussie-sized chicken breast"? Stacked like Uluru, no doubt. I am also unable to fathom their slogan "No Rules, Just Right". Is this some kind of confused mutation of "She'll be right, mate"? Or are they really inciting anarchy in the USA? Well, what can I say… "Go for it, mates!"

I believe that the Hooley Dooleys were a children's band in the mold of the Wiggles. THat really sheds no light on the question, but it creates an oddly amusing mental image.

"Some of the cultural collisions turn out to be plain contradictory. While at once trying to capitalise on Australia's reputation for a diet that includes much red meat, and appeal to the American sensibility of what constitutes choice meat, the Outback proclaims "Our steaks are fair dinkum… genuine USDA Choice cuts." This reads as, "Our Steaks are really Australian, but really American". It sounds like "fair dinkum" alone, wouldn't meet with U.S. Department of Agriculture approval."

My addition to the 'baffling usage of slang' department: the 'Wakabout Soup O' the Day' (more potential insults to Aboriginals) is described as being "a unique presentation of one of our Australian favorites. Reckon!" Pardon my wanton usage of internet shorthand, but... WTF!? That quite literally makes no sense. Hmm...
I also ran across a couple of examples of nearly Australian food. They have 'Aussie Chips', which got me excited until I read that these are merely cheese fries, and thus as American as School Shootings and Krispy Kreme. Same deal with the hamurgers. Made with the previously mentioned USDA grade American beef, and not a slice of beetroot or pineapple in sight. Oh well.
There are plenty of signs that this is in fact, an American restaurant under an Australiana facade. Prawns are referred to as shrimp, (on the barbie, no doubt) the only Aussie beer you could get was Foster's, and I'm pretty sure no Aussie would ever even contemplate naming a dessert the 'Chocolate Thunder from Down Under'... Hehehe.

General impressions? Well, predictably, it's far from accurate or authentic, but that's not really the point. The fun in something like this is to just enjoy the farce, and laugh at the absolute rediculousness of it all. I was also pleased to find it mercifully short on kangaroo and dingo references. Those are two of my pet hates. I do wonder, however, what percentage of the American customer base is actually taken in by all this, and taking it all as a genuine example of Australian culture and cuisine. Hopefully it isn't too high, but you never really know...

Bonzer!

Things Australians will never understand about America.
I've talked about things Americans will never understand about Australians, so now it's time to look at the other side of things. As I talked about earlier, there are things intrinsic to every culture that outsiders just can't quite get, even if it is explained. One can gain an approximate appreciation, but that's about it.
Here goes nothing:

• Gun Laws, and more to the point, American attitudes to guns. Obviously, the USA's gun laws are a helluva lot more lax. Thing is, as strange as it seems to us, to Americans it's a perfectly natural state of affairs. They don't see it as an odd or dangerous setup. Shootings are not that common, and they're just another minor thing that happens to other people, like road accidents. Guns are more a part of American culture than ours, and not considered inherently dangerous by most Americans. It seems an odd mindset to us with our much stricter gun laws, but it's how Americans think.
• Cheese as a hot liquid.
• Large mammals. When camping, the danger doesn't come in small, venomous animals, it comes in things that will chase you down, rip you to shreds, and feed on your delicious, candy-like flesh. Deaths by cougar or bear are probably as common as deaths by snake or spider in Australia.
• Baseball. Much like cricket, it is a slow paced, statistics-obsessed sport. Much like cricket, it seems to the non-fan to have been invented to make all other human activities look lively and interesting. Much like cricket, it's complicated and it takes a long time to understand everything about the game. Finally, much like cricket, the only way to really appreciate the game is to be raised in the culture that it's a part of. Oh, and both sports involve wearing multicoloured pyjamas.
• Donner Party jokes.
• March Madness! Actually, college sports in general. They're bigger than most Australians would imagine.
• SPRIIING BREEEEAAAAK!!!
• States. Here, there are many states, with vastly different personalities and ways of doing things, and a fair degree of independance. In Australia, most of the states are separated by little more than borders and a bit of desert. Even the Taswegians we mock so much are basically identical, culturally.
  Here, you have many diverse states with different cultures and histories right next to each other. Two examples that spring to mind are Utah and Nevada. Utah's full of conservative mormons, while Nevada has Las Vegas and the 'sinful' activities that go on there. Ohio shares a border with Kentucky, but those two states have different cultures, histories, and accents. Similar deal with Texas and Louisiana (with its Cajun population).
• Land borders. This one's simple, we're an island, America isn't. The first time you actually walk to another country is quite an odd thing to come to grips with.
• One's nation as the centre of the universe. I don't mean that in an insulting way. When you live in a country that has been a huge, powerful part of world events for so long, a country that is historically isolationist and is very inward looking, it will affect your mindset. There's very much a feeling of being the 'Middle Kingdom' here, the centre of the 'civilised world'. In Australia we have the mindset of a distant, peaceful, lonely outpost, far away from everywhere and only of minor influence.
  As such, Americans and Australians will take different attitudes to many things, and these different mindsets are so much a part of our thought processes that they really don't mesh with each other.
• Real Winter.
• Mexico. Most Australian people's knowledge of Mexico and its people begins and ends with Tequila, Tacos, and that jumping bean music.
  
• And Finally: Other Americans!

That was fun. I hope you're as entertained as I am. Of course, this girl is hardly representative of Americans, or even American teenagers as a whole. Rather, she's an example of the 'special' way in which only certain vapid teenaged girls see the world. Brainless ignorance of this type transcends national borders and cultural divides.

The Ken-taco Hut.
I have talked before about the general American obsession with convenience, but I have a new example to share with everyone. Down the road from my house, there is a fast food place. This is no ordinary fast food joint though, it is a Three-in-One fast food joint. It's a Taco Bell, a KFC, and a Pizza Hut rolled into one. My friends have dubbed it the Ken-taco hut, and it's an appropriate name.
I'd imagine this is a profit increasing thing... 3 companies, one lease. [--Correction: I've since been informed that all three chains are now owned by the giant Cola super-conglomerate-corporation-amalgamation (inc.) known as Pepsi Co.. The loving, caffeinated omni-corp also owns Tropicana, Gatorade and Quaker cereals. (Thanks to Thomas for that piece of information... I think he is a University Student because his email ends with 'msu.edu'. I'm going to take a wild stab in the dark and guess that MSU is Michigan State University)--]
I just find it kind of interesting, and felt like sharing it. Plus it gave me an excuse to show off the spiffy logo I made:

I can't believe I'm talking about the bloody Oscars.
Yeah, as anyone who cares surely knows, the Oscars are the major entertainment award shindig. This year, there's been a shitload of Australian nominations, prompting the San Diego Union Tribune to write a horribly painful piece about the 'Auscars' (Os-cars... Aus-cars. Geddit? It's possibly the cleverest little attempt at wit in the article).
Ignoring for the time being the fact that most of the major Aussie stars aren't real Australians, I'll focus on the truly horrible usage of tacky, stereotypical catchphrases used in some half-formed attmept at wit... The lead paragraph, talking about the number of Aussies (and a Kiwi director... since NZ and Australia are basically the same thing, to the rest of the world) uses the phrase: "A new wave of Outback talent is getting its g'day in the sun." (Cringing yet?)

As if that opener weren't bad enough, our writer continues with the 'cute' phrases throughout the drivelling extent of their malformed article.
I counted 4 usages of the word 'mate', 2 of 'sheila', 4 'Down Under's, and a 'blimey'. Not to mention two references to Crocodile Dundee. Truly painful. It's not just the overload of stereotypical slang that shits me so, it's the usually incorrect usage. In the rundown of past and present Australian nominees at the top of the page, Baz Luhrmann is referred to as "One mate who wears 'Rogue' well." Whatever the hell that means.
Mysteriously, this lineup of Australian stars also features a Koala(?) Let's put that into perspective, shall we? Imagine that for some reason, someone is writing an article about... say, British actors. For no reason at all, they throw a picture of a hedgehog into the photo lineup. How stupid and pointless.

Skimming down the page, one finds the following passage: "You've got to ask yourself just one question: Blimey, just what in the name of Men at Work is going on here?" Ug ug ug. Shoot me now.
"These lovable mates and sheilas are pure rebels at heart, and they want to own Hollywood till we're all calling it Aussiewood." There really needs to be a law passed making it illegal for anyone other than Australians to use our slang, (even our phoney slang no-one uses) since it gets invariably butchered and used wrongly. Let's just be thankful the American public consciousness hasn't gotten hold of the phrase 'fair dinkum' yet.

Just for the hell of it, a satirical news story: Scientists will monitor Oscars for signs of Humor.

One final point for Americans: most big Aussie stars aren't actually Australian. At least not by birth. Russel Crowe's a New Zealander, Nicole Kidman was born in Honolulu, while Mel Gibson was born in New York State. Even Sam Neill, who admittedly isn't that well known in Hollywood, hails from Northern Ireland.

I still can't believe anyone can actually use the phrase "its g'day in the sun" without embarassment.

Not angry now. Hungry.
It has been brought to my attention that perhaps my rants of late have taken a slightly angry and negative tone recently. Oh well. At any rate, this is a slightly more... neutral rant.
So... Americans eat food. Australians eat food. (It's true!) We eat many different foods. We have different dialects of English. Combine these 4 facts, and you have a recipie for much minor confusion and little misunderstandings and general cultural gaps. Especially when talking about the food. These interesting little differences can be divided into 4 categories.

The first category is Different Foods- the broadest category, something unavoidable. Whenever you find yourself in a different culture to your own, there's going to be foods you've never heard of/never eaten, and you will be unable to find some foods common to your own country. Even between two outwardly similar cultures like ours, there are some foods that simply don't translate across the cultural divide. Lamingtons, Pavlova and Sausage Rolls simply don't exist here, and I'll bet that most Aussies have never had Ranch dressing or s'mores. Various 'ethnic' foods might fit in here too. America seems to have a smaller variety of Asian food generally available... pretty much only Chinese and Japanese, except perhaps in the big melting pots like New York and San Fransisco. On a similar note, most Australian's experience with Mexican food pretty much begins and ends with Tacos and Tequila.

The second category is the easy one to work out. Same Food, Different Name. We lucky Aussies are well prepared for these, thanks to America's most influential cultural ambassador... Sesame Street. Examples include 'Soda' (Soft Drink), 'Ketchup' (Tomato Sauce), 'Fries' (Chips) and 'Cookies' (Biscuits). The difficult bit here is getting into the habit of using the American word in place of the Australian one.

Third is a small, but amusing category. Anything Pie-related. In America, pie = desert. Pies come in flavours like Blueberry, Apple, Peach and Pumkin. They're sweet, they're usually fruity and they're eaten as desert. (From a plate, rather than the bowl most Aussies would use to eat an Apple Pie)
This is in direct contrast to Australia. For Aussies, pies are meaty, savoury pastry things. They come in types such as beef, potato and beef, beef and mushroom, beef and vegetable, and shepherd. A large pie can be a meal... pies are the traditional food at football games. The Meat Pie is a national icon for Australians. To Americans, however, the idea of a pie filled with mincemeat seems to catch them off guard. If it doesn't outright disgust them, it will at the very least seem an odd proposition.

Finally, the fourth and most confusing category. Same name, different food. You never know what you're gonna get. Order a fruit smoothie and you'll end up with something that contains neither fruit nor milk. The American smoothie, rather than being basically a fruity milkshake, instead contains what seems to be ice cream and fruit juice. Similar story with Lemonade. What we Aussies call 'lemonade' would be called either 'soda water' or a brand name (7-Up or Sprite) by Americans. Lemonade here is... get this... Lemony! It's basically lemon juice, water and sugar.
Then there's chips. As most Aussies know, 'chips' means 'crisps' here. It means Smiths, Doritos and the like. There is one exception, however. I've noticed that some restaurants offer 'Fish and Chips' as some sort of exotic delicacy from across the seas. These restaurants have a vague notion that the 'chips' component involves potato and frying, but can't seem to get it right. The 'chips' are invariably huge golden yellow things, fried to a crisp, often cut into bizzare shapes. They never even remotely resmble the real deal, the greasy, wonderful goodness that you'd get wrapped in newspaper in other parts of the English Speaking World.
Scones, Biscuits and Cookies are also a source of inter-cultural strangeness. 'Biscuits' in the US are scone-like things, often served with gravy or chunks of sausag. 'Scones' are apparently a lot heavier and denser than Aussie scones, and usually filled with raisins. 'Cookies' are, of course biscuits, generally of the chocolate chip variety, or perhaps with nuts in them.

These are just some of the bigger differences I've run into, there's bound to be others.

Chariots of Fire. (And ice)
Well, the Mormon Olympics are drawing to a close, and it's probably about time I rant about it. I've talked before, a bit, about how Americans just don't get the Olympics. They take their attitude to sports- the trash-talking, the arrogance, the win-at-all costs mentality, into the Olympics. It's been happening again. It just annoys and alienates the other fans. I think it needs to be explained to the American crowds... you do not boo at the Olympic games, whatever the reason. You just don't!
I've found that compared to Australia's insane level of enthusiasm for the 2000 games, the Salt Lake City games have recieved a rather lukewarm response among the American population. I think it's at least partly because this nation doesn't define itself through sport in the same way we do. Americans don't do much international sport outside the Olympics, and sport isn't a matter of national pride the same way it is in Australia. For Aemricans, sport is a much more internal thing. So hosting the Olympics hasn't been quite the massively important event it was for Australia. I heard tales, during the 2000 Games, of folks sponteneously singing Waltzing Matilda on buses during the Sydney Games after a gold medal win or a stirring result. Compared to that sort of happy, borderline obsessive enthusiasm, the games just aren't as important to Americans.
The entire country wouldn't get a massive ego boost, for example, from being told by an elderly Spaniard that they'd put on the "best Olympic Games, ever".
What amuses me is the average person's attempt to pretend to know all about the Winter sports... it's the same phenomenon that we saw in Sydney with the more obscure events (Tae Kwon Do... Shooting... Water Polo, to name a few) in 2000. Americans know as little as we Aussies do about winter sports, perhaps even less. Though, for two weeks, people care about and think they understand the tactics and rules and conventions of things like Curling, Speed Skating and Luge.
The unfortunate side-effect is the wide range of strong, yet uninformed opinions. (Some folks believe Stephen Bradbury didn't deserve the gold and some even reckon they should have re-run the race. A lot of folks don't seem to understand that this stuff happens a lot in Speed Skating... people getting ripped off because of falls. Again, it's a case of the Yanks just not getting the whole Olympic thing. It wasn't a contest of who's fastest over 950 metres, or of who lead most of the way. It was about who completed the 1000 metre circuit the fastest. Which is what Stephen Bradbury did. Then there's that whole speed-skating issue with the French judge. I wish everyone would bloody shut up about it. Ugh.)

My biggest beef with the American Olympics, though, is with the NBC. I really, really hope Seven's Olympic coverage wasn't was one-eyed, unbalanced and uninformed, and just generally bad, as NBC's coverage of these Games. I may be speaking from personal bias, but I'm positive that even at their worst, Seven's coverage was streaks ahead of this mess. Firstly, there's the content. Obviously events with Americans are shown a lot more, but the extent to which this is happening is quite annoying. To top it off, they keep showing documentaries about various US athlete's "inspirational human dramas", where they tell all about the poor US ski-jumper's paraplegic dog and hard childhood, and how they overcame it all to compete for America. (A single tear is rolling down my cheek).
Bah! If they spent less bloody time crapping on and on about the American's 'heroic struggles' (You'd think the American athletes were the only ones with less than perfect lots in life. you'd think they were the only ones with dying relatives and bad childhoods...) they could show more events actually happening, and actually show us some substantial non-American content. About the only things they show that aren't American are Ice Hockey matches... though half the other national team's palyers play in the USA anyway. NBC also has an annoying habit of replaying things, rather than showing them live. Or as well as showing them live. At the expense of other events without American competetors. Especially the various ice-dancing events. NBC loves them for some strange reason. I'd rather see the Biathlon (Skiing and Shooting. You take penalties to time if you miss) or Alpine Skiing, personally. Though I'd imagine they'd be a bit too long for impatient American sports fans and their short attention spans. Much better to stick with quick events like Bobsled and Ice Dancing, Pfft.
Even with 3 channels showing things (NBC, MSNBC and CNBC) they still manage to not show everything that's happening. Yet they find time to show the previously mentioned obscure little human interest documentaries. (See also: Athlete Without Compelling Personal Drama Expelled From Olympics)

Then there's the commentary. Most of the commentators are intolerably parochial. They're blatantly, totally, and annoyingly pro-American, practically ignoring everyone else in the events, except their effect on the American athlete's chances. There's no-one anywhere near the quality of our commentary team, (especially Bruce) that's for sure. I've heard at least one guy call the Austrian flag the Australian flag. Most of the US commentators either sound as though they have little idea what they're talking about, or if they do, they speak to you like you're an idiot. Basically, they're all a pack of wankers.

Despite the negativity of this rant, I love the Olympics. Except the Snowboarding. Olympians do not say "Dude, it was like... far out, man." Olympians do not have mohawks. Olympians do not dress like wannabe rappers. Olympians do not make stupid rap-rock-skater type gestures with their hands after they finish.
In short, Snowboarding is an Extreme Sport, not an Olympic sport. If they want Snowboarding in the Olympics, then Ice Dancing should be in the extreme Games. So should Bobsled jumping, just because it'd be hilarious.

So, Suffice to say, American fans are difficult to tolerate, and the coverage has been poor. Regardless, the Olympics is still the Olympics, and I love them. They're fun and interesting, and little quibbles with things like this can't dampen my enthusiasm for them. I'm a sports nut, after all. You are reading the writings of someone who enjoys watching Curling. A lot.

(Soylent) Green Ketchup is People.

There is something disturbing in the nation's supermarkets. The ketchup has mutated. Be afraid, it knows where you live. Ketchup, as everyone knows, is the America word for Tomato Sauce. Heinz is probably the biggest producer of Ketchup/Tomato Sauce in the country- 'ketchup' and 'Heinz' are almost synonyms. Heinz has turned evil, or perhaps gone insane. They've produced green ketchup and, perhaps even more disturbingly, purple ketchup. I don't care how 'novel' or 'fun' this is, I don't want freaky looking purple goop on my food, and I'm weirded out that there are people who do. As you can see, both colours truly look like they just exploded from some drooling alien's skull cavity. The Ketchup is evil, and it is watching you.

---

A very PC Christmas/Hannukah/Ramadan/Kwanzaa/New Year/None of the above/Miscelaneous and Other
'Tis the season, after all. Time for the political correctness knives to come out. Bloody hell, do they come out in force here during the aptly named 'silly season'. One pretty much cannot say Merry Christmas publicly (on a sign outside a window, or on TV), without also mentioning or showing a symbol of Hannukah (which I have no idea how to spell... I've seen it written several ways) at the very least, and perhaps Ramadan and Kwaanza. Kwanzaa is something I'd never even heard of before moving here. Apparently it's an 'African American' thing... maybe gift giving is involved, I dunno. ('African American' is a stupid term. But, I suppose it's the 'PC' term... Personally I find it inaccurate, but oh well.)

Anyways, it's gotten to the point where the blander, more generic 'Happy Holidays' has become the blessing of choice for many people. Now, I'm all for equality and religious tolerance, and I find it deeply annoying when White Christians (The whiteys are the main culprits... The stupid majority and all that) arrogantly assume that everyone is Christian and thinks like they do, or would like to be Christian and think like they do. This doesn't stop the whole all-inclusive political correctness vibe from being cheap, artificial and downright rediculous. I can understand Jewish people not wanting Christmas crammed down their throats, as it's not part of their religion, but really... since when was Christmas about religion? Sure, it used to be, but not any more.
I have no religion, and I do the whole Christmas thing. It's basically an excuse for rampant consumerism these days. Christmas has become a symbol of everything capitalist and secular. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, especially for those of us with no religious leanings. But lumping in more traditional, 'spiritual' holidays with Christmas under the generic 'Holiday' banner, is risking these traditional holidays becoming lost in the general blur of the season. After all, Jews, Muslims and others are in the minority in this mostly White Christian country, so their holidays are the ones more likely to be swept away under an all consuming tide of ugly, cheapening, tacky commericalism. Those campaiging to get these other holidays given wider recognition would do well to consider this.

'Commericalism'... 'capitalist'... 'rampant consumerism'... I'm such the Radical.

I'll end this with a plug for Agnostica, the celebration for those with no religion. Hehe.

Halfway point.
Thanksgiving last week marked pretty much exactly 1 full year since I'd first set foot on American soil. I remember it well... it was about midnight on Thanksgiving when we landed in Honolulu, after an eleven hour flight. It was 12 hours earlier than it was when we'd left Sydney. Having crossed the international dateline, we'd actually arrived in the wee hours of the Friday, after having left Sydney in the early afternoon on Friday. Mind boggling in the extreme. I'm going to start campaigning for the world to become flat... working out time difference is annoying.
Anyway, being a public holiday, there was one customs officer on duty. I can't complain about delays personally, because the Royal Australian Navy sprang for first class seats, letting us get through customs near the front of the line. Being a military brat has its perks.

So, yeah... Being as it's a 2 year posting to San Diego, my time in America is halfway over. That's an interesting thought- this time next year, I could well have been pulled out of school, and we'll most certainly have our travel plans worked out for the trip home. (Another Hawaii stopover, hopefully...) So, has my time here been worthwhile? Well, in a word, yeah. I've already seen sights many Australians, and even Americans will never see. I've 'expanded my horizons', and found that I have a new appreciation of what it is to be Australian. (ooh... philosophical words purdy.) I haven't picked up an American accent at all. I even got my first girlfriend while I was here. I've met interesting people, (Yanks, mostly... hehehe) experienced a different culture (somewhat) and all that good stuff, too. I've been homesick occaisionally, and I'm gonna be happy to get back to Australia, back to the 'real world', but I know I'm pretty lucky to get to travel at my age. America's going to mean something totally different to me after my time here is over.

And that was quite possibly the least cynical thing I've ever had to say about the Yanks and their country.

Typical.
Figures... no sooner do I start sounding off on how boring and monotonous the weather here is, than a cold front rolls in. It's been pretty cold this last week, and yesterday it even managed to rain. Now, I stand by my statement that San Diegans are incredibly lucky as far as weather goes, but it's been pretty chilly and miserable these last few days. The main problem is that school starts so bloody early... 7:30am, so I'm up at 6:30, when it's still really cold by my Australian measurings. 44 degrees Farenheit it was today when I woke up, or about 6 degrees Celsius. (I think) It warms up decently by 10 or so, but walking to school is a real bitch. (Canadians and Northerners are laughing at me right now)
San Diegans aren't waterproof. They get really crazy when it rains. Yesterday's wet was barely more than annoying drizzle... 'twas definately not a torrential downpour or even a decent dump. You might call it 'light showers'... Any rain is a novel experience for SD'ers, though... and it shows. I watched two girls stand at the edge of the covered area, and go, "ready... one, two, three..." and then they ran (screaming) across the exposed lunch area. Jeez, it's not like it's a torrential downpour. Australians go about their normal business unfazed by this kinda drizzle... Hell, Brits go swimming. San Diegans though... well, I saw one guy with a plastic bag over his head. Yeah, real smart. They get crazy. Car accidents abound, because San Diegans seemingly can't drive in the wet... This city isn't designed for rain. The drainage is terrible, and everything seems to leak.
Gah. I've gone soft living here. I'm a weather wimp... gah.

Boo.
'Twas Halloween. Yep. It was... interesting, even though I didn't really do anything. (Are you kidding me? Leave the safety of my house? With all those little witches and goblins and Buzz Lightyears running around pretending to be candy-seeking kids! That would be madness! Madness, I tell you!)
All Hallows Eve fell on a Wednesday this year, and my high school let people come in costume. Some of them were quite nifty, some were bizzare, and some were just plain wrong. I think there were more guys dressed as fairies than girls. (Though there were a helluva lot on both sides of the gender divide. Probably the most popular costume. Which is rather sad.) Most of the foootballers are seemingly a bunch of closet transvestites. There were also some pretty cool costumes. My personal favourite costume was my friend Andreas's very convincing White Trash Trucker, complete with an unshaven face, a cement-mixing company T-shirt, and a filthy old Chuck-E-Cheese (That is a whole other rant..) hat. Quite funny. About half a dozen people had green hair and orange skin, apparently meant to be Oompa-Loompas, while the guy in the fluffy bunny outfit was just plain cool.
Anyway, we all know the jist of how Halloween goes, (TV Good.) and all the stuff you see on TV is true... kids go trick or treating, people put pumpkins and other decorations around their houses and some kids egg houses and shit like that. In the end, Halloween is all about giving children a chance to go running around like little sugar-crazed psychopaths. It's also perhaps the one holiday that can't get ruined by excessive tacky commercialism... it seems to thrive on it.

Perhaps more significant than Halloween itself is what it brings with it- the start of the American holiday season. Thanksgiving is less than a month away, then Christmas. Soon, the sales and stupid seasonal ads (as opposed to stupid regular ads) will begin, and decorations will go up in all the shops. Ain't capitalism grand?

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OH CRAP IT'S A BLOODY EARTHQUAKE!!! OH MY GOD! OH SHIT WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE PANIC PANIC AAAAAAAAAAAH!
Or not.
The title may have...subtley suggested the topic of this rant... I've experienced my first earthquake. The geological event in question (Fancy talk for quake. we SoCal people know all the lingo...) happened at precisely 11:59pm, on October 30th. It wasn't big enough to be damaging... there were no injuries, but it was still interesting. 'Twas a mere 5.1, centred somewhere out east, near a place called Palm Springs. To put this in perspective, the suprisingly destructive one that hit Newcastle was a 5.6, and the really nasty quakes in California (SF in 1906 and 1989, and LA in 1994, for example) are generally 7's or maybe a low 8... plus the epicentre was a couple of hours away from here, so this was really just a little rumble.
Ever since moving here, I've been hoping to experience a minor earthquake, and I'm kinda mad cos I only half-remember it. Most of SD's recent quakes have also happened late at night, seemingly.
I was woken up by the loud crash that marked the beginning of the quake, then the mild rimbling started. After a moment's confusion, I realised it was an earthquake. My first thought was something like a less coherant version of I hope it doesn't get worse. Then I contemplated getting up, lest my ceiling fan fall on me. (gimme a break, it was midnight!) But then the rumbling stopped... I thought Hmm... an earthquake. Cool. Then I rolled over and went back to sleep.

So now I can tell people that yes, I experienced a quake in California. Who knows, maybe there'll be more while I'm here. They haven't had a Big One in San Diego for a while, as far as I know...

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Mission to Mars... Bar
What's wrong with this picture on the left? If you're an American, nothing. But, for me... this is just wrong. Sick, and wrong. Milky Way isn't supposed to have caramel substance within, and it's not even very good caramel substance! This here is the packaging for the sub-par Mars Bar ripoff from hell.
The bizzare thing about all this, is that this... evil abomination of what a chocolate should be was concocted by Mars Corp themselves. Why create a chocolate hell-spawn ripoff of a chocolate you already own the rights to? Though... I assume that this Milky Way was the original, which makes me wonder why they messed with their chocolate lineup for Australian sale. Come to think of it, Skittles are owned by Mars Corp. And those bastards are the ones that changed the purple Skittles to blackcurrant in Australia, but not here...
The paranoid skitzophrenic inside me smells a conspiracy. More on this later...

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All hail the King of Utah!
American States have a lot more power, independance and separate identity than Australian states. Sure, Queenslanders might call everyone else Mexicans, (south of the border) and Western Australia might consider itself a bit separated from the rest of the nations, and sure, everyone hates New South Welshmen because we... well, because we rule. But that's nothing compared to here.
The various states have a wide variety of powers Aussie states don't... they have separate gun laws, separate laws on the death penalty, and much more. Some states have their own Constitutions, giving them all sorts of wierd rights. Texas can legally withdraw from the "Union" at any time (and rejoin as up to 5 separate states.) New Hampshire residents have the constitutional right to overthrow the government! Some states call themselves Commonwealths instead of states, and California is technically called the Californian Republic. Think about the name of this country for a moment... the "United States." That's precisely what it is. 50 seperate, semi-independant countries united very closely, under the authority of Washington DC.
So, what would happen if somehow, the Federal government dissappeared overnight, and the 50 states were left to do their own thing? I think that each state's rather unique attitudes and tendancies would come to the fore, and predict that within months the following would have happened:

• California would use cheap Mexican labour to construct the "Great Wall of California" along its borders, and become completely, totally isolated from the outside world. Most Californians would barely notice the difference.
• New Mexico would reunite with Old Mexico.
• Texas would decide it isn't big and important enough, and begin invading nearby states. Within months, the "Texan Empire" would stretch north to the Canadian border, west to Nevada, and east to Mississippi.
• Alabama would crown King Bubba I. Unfortunately, because of the inbred nature of Alabamians, over half it's population would have familial claims on the throne, and a long civil war would leave Alabama devistated and vulnerable to conquest by Texas.
• Almost nothing would change in Hawaii, which isn't really part of America.
• Alaska would... Actually, who cares?
• Virginia, with its many military bases, would become the military superpower of the Eastern Seaboard, and begin sending 'peacekeepers' into troubled regions such as Georgia, Ohio, and Delaware
• New York would undoubtedly attack someone, quite possibly Canada.
• Rhode Island, New Hampshire, Vermont, Massachusetts and Maine would fight a massive, 5 sided war, resulting in Massachusettsian domination of all New England.
• Montana would quickly sink into total chaos and anarchy, as the various gun-toting, anti-government, Militia, Mountain-men type groups of the area fight for supremacy.
• Canada would laugh, and quickly invade the states along its border. Michigan, Washington State, Minnesota and Wisconsin would fall under the influence of the insidiously evil Canucks.

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TORGO

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