Jokes of the day. (1)
Conversation between two friends who have just migrated to Australia.
Zozefine : Alo my dear ! What manner ? Are you well ?
Marzorie : Like this, like that.
Zozefine : Where are you going on your thirty-one like that, hair in the wind ? Did you sell your pig ?
Marzorie : I tell you a secret. I am going frequenting. I told mama, I am going magazines.
Zozefine : Enough ! since when do you have a pointer.
Marzorie : Since last week but rest quiet. We are joining in hide. You know how those long tongues like to make commentaries.
Zozefine : Extra that ! Don't talk ! Where does he rest ?
Marzorie : He rests behind the bazaar after the round point in a flat with two chambers on the second stage.
Zozefine : Where did you join him ?
Marzorie : I joined him at a mauritian ball. He lifted me to dance a slow. He made sweet eyes at me and I made a colinos smile at him. He traces very well. When he dances the Sega he breaks, breaks his kidneys and does small steps, small steps. He wore an elephant leg costume which has returned in the mode with varnished shoes. He invited me at his table and offered me fried bread with apple of love chutney and asked me if I wanted a little strong. We drank a health and then we went outside to pull a dam. Since then we have been seeing our comrade underneath, underneath.
Zozefine : How does he call ?
Marzorie : He calls Zerard Beautiful heart.
Zozefine : A beautiful boy ?
Marzorie : Yes, he resembles a little bit like Sacha Distel.
Zozefine : I can see he is tiring your head.
Marzorie : I husband like him !
Zozefine : Business is good, serious serious. Is marriage behind the door ?
Marzorie : I am not pressed. I have to look well. Attention after marriage he pulls his long tail with me.
Zozefine : You have reason don't be pressed. Yo u have to profit life and amuse yourself well before.
Marzorie : My taxi has arrived, my car is in pane. I'm retarded, let me go. We'll join later.
Zozefine : Salam my sister, make compliments to your pointer for me.
FANTASTIQUE - L’hypnotiseur…
- Tu sais les maux de têtes que j'avais continuellement depuis quelque temps... et bien, ils sont disparus.
- Plus de maux de tête ? Questionne le mari. Qu'est-ce que t'as fait ?
- Mon amie m'a référée à un hypnotiseur et il m'a dit de me tenir devant un miroir en répétant : je n'ai pas mal à la tête, je n'ai pas mal à la tête, je n'ai pas mal à la tête, et ça a marché. Mes maux de tête sont disparus.
- C'est fantastique, réplique le mari.
- Tu sais, tu n'es pas trop performant au lit depuis quelques temps, enchaîne la femme. Peut-être devrais-tu le consulter toi aussi ?
Après avoir consulté l'hypnotiseur, le mari revient à la maison, enlace sa femme, l'entraîne dans la chambre, la couche sur le lit et lui dit :
- Ne bouge pas, je reviens dans quelques minutes. Il s'enferme ensuite dans la salle de bains et quelques minutes plus tard revient dans la chambre et honore sa femme avec une passion peu commune.
Sa femme ne tarit pas d'admiration devant une telle performance. Le mari dit :
- Ne bouge pas, je reviens dans quelques minutes, et il retourne dans la salle de bains. Au bout de quelques minutes, il revient dans la chambre et refait l'amour à sa femme encore plus passionnément que la première fois.
La femme est épuisée mais ravie. Le mari dit :
- Ne bouge pas, je reviens dans quelques minutes, et il retourne dans la salle de bain.
Cette fois, sa femme le suit intriguée. Elle le voit debout devant le miroir qui répète:
- "Elle n'est pas ma femme, elle n'est pas ma femme, elle n'est pas ma femme."
TRUC - Comment regarder des femmes nues ?
Un vieux fermier possédait une grande ferme depuis plusieurs années.
Il avait un grand étang en arrière et il l'avait bien arrangé: des tables de pique-nique, des terrains de jeux, etc. ...
L'étang était propre et sain pour la baignade.
Un soir, le vieux fermier décide d'aller à l'étang puisqu'il n'y avait pas été depuis longtemps. Comme il approche, il entend des voix crier et rire.
Il s'approche un peu plus et voit un groupe de jeunes femmes nues se baignant dans l'étang.
Il fait alors connaître sa présence et les femmes se dépêchent d'aller dans la partie profonde de l'étang.
Une des femmes lui crie: "On ne sortira pas tant que vous ne serez pas parti."
Le vieil homme réplique : "Oh, je ne suis pas venu ici pour regarder de jeunes femmes sortir nues de l'étang. Je suis seulement ici pour nourrir l'alligator."
On vous laisse imaginer la suite…En vieillissant, il faut trouver des trucs pour ne pas se fatiguer... hein ?
Subject: suite de l'histoire
Un belle jeune fille arriviste de 23 ans avait envie de devenir riche très vite. Elle décide d'épouser un homme de 73 ans, milliardaire, en se promettant de le baiser à mort dès la nuit de noces. La cérémonie est grandiose, avec tout le gratin naturellement. Puis vient la première nuit: La jeune fille se déshabille et attend son mari de 73 ans sur le lit, nue. Lorsque le mari sort de la salle de bain, il est nu lui aussi et la mariée découvre avec stupéfaction que son mari est en érection, que sa bite fait bien 25 cm de long, et qu'il l'a déjà coiffée d'un préservatif. En plus de ce tableau incroyable, elle constate que son mari a dans les mains des boules Quiès et un pince-nez. Évidemment, elle lui demande: "Chéri, qu'est-ce que tu vas faire avec ça?" Et le mari répond: "Il y a deux choses que je ne peux pas supporter dans la vie: Le bruit d'une femme qui hurle, et l'odeur du caoutchouc brûlé."
Le Juif
Un jeune gars fréquente la fille du rabbin Goldenberg et veut se marier avec elle. Pour ce faire, il a besoin de l'autorisation du père. En allant faire sa demande officielle chez le père de la jeune fille, le rabbin lui explique:
"Vois tu Nous sommes juifs et nous avons une forme particulière de faire les choses. Si tu veux te marier avec ma fille tu dois d'abord passer une petite epreuve. Prends cette orange et reviens demain."
Le gars sort de là extrêmement surpris. Le lendemain il revient voir le rabbin."Tres bien, dit le père, qu'as tu fait de l'orange?"
"Je l'ai mangée, j'avais faim." Le rabbin replique "Tres mal ! Tu vois, chez nous, on épluche l'orange et avec la peau nous faisons une délicieuse liqueur. Nous coupons ensuite l'orange en deux, donnons la moitié aux pauvres et l'autre moitié nous la répartissons dans la famille. La moitié des pépins nous les vendons au marché, l'autre moitié nous les gardons pour semer. Tu vois comme nous sommes ?... Bon, je vais te donner une autre opportunité. Prends ce saucisson et revient demain."Le gars sort, un peu en rogne et revient le lendemain.
"Alors qu'as tu fait du saucisson ? "
"Avec le cordon, j'ai fait des lacets pour mes chaussures, avec le petit métal gravé j'ai fait un pendentif pour votre fille. J'ai coupé le saucisson à moitié, j'ai donné la moitié aux pauvres et l'autre moitié je l'ai répartie dans la famille.""Très bien !" s'extasie le rabbin. "Et qu'est-ce que tu as fait de la peau?" "Avec la peau j'ai fait un préservatif, j'ai tiré un coup avec votre fille et je vous apporte la crème pour faire un yaourt...
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Un couple est en pleine action, la pression commence à monter...
Elle vas-y sauvagement!
Lui : Oui, Oui,
Elle : continue ! continue!
Lui : Oui,Oui!
Elle : ne sois pas timide
Lui : oui! oui!
Elle : montre que tu es un homme!
Lui : oui! oui!
Elle : dis-moi des choses sales!
Lui : la cuisine, la salle de bain, le salon, la bagnole....
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Docteur, je suis très inquiet, votre diagnostic n'est pas le même que celui de votre confrère.
- Je sais. C'est toujours comme ça, mais l'autopsie prouvera que j'avais raison...
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Pierre : Dis moi, si je couche avec ta femme, on est amis?
Paul : Non!
Pierre : On est copains?
Paul : Non!
Pierre : On est ennemis?
Paul : Non!
Pierre : On est quoi alors?
Paul : On est "quitte"!
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La scène se passe dans un temple Shaolin.
Le disciple :
- Très sage et très honorable Maître, pourriez-vous m'enseigner quelle est la différence entre une perle et une femme?
Le Maître :
-La différence, humble petit scarabée, c'est que tu peux enfiler une perle des deux côtés, et une femme, seulement d'un côté.
Le disciple (confus) :
- Mais maître, honte à moi de vouloir contredire votre himalayenne sagesse,mais j'ai entendu dire que certaines femmes se laissaient enfiler des deux côtés !
Le Maître (avec un mince sourire):
Alors, ce n'est pas une femme, c'est une perle !
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Trois jeunes secrétaires discutent à la pause des tours qu'elles ont déjà joué à leur patron.
- Moi, dit la première, j'ai découpé toutes les photos dans son
Play-boy, il n'a jamais trouvé qui avait fait le coup...
- Ha! Ha! Ha! Moi, dit la deuxième, il y a quinze jours, j'ai trouvé des préservatifs dans son tiroir,
et je les ai tous percés avec une épingle...
La troisième, elle, s' évanouit...
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Ma femme dit que je baise comme un lapin... mais je vois pas comment elle peut me juger en 20 secondes!
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C'est un mec qui passe dans la rue des putes, il en accoste une:
le mec: "C'est combien la turlutte?"
la pute: "C'est 30 euro"
le mec: "oh mince, j'en ai que 10...bon, je te les donne et je te file mon portable, ça te va?"
la pute réfléchit et dit : "Bon c'est ok"
Le mec fait sa petite affaire et puis lui file les 10 euro......
La pute s'exclame : "Et ton portable?"
Le mec : "Ah oui....06.45.86.22.14
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A l'hôpital, une superbe jeune femme attend dans le couloir sur sa civière avant d'être conduite au bloc opératoire pour subir une petite intervention. Elle s'inquiète un peu quand même, d'autant plus que l'heure tourne.. Un type en blouse blanche s'approche, relève le drap qui la recouvre et examine son corps nu. Il rabat le drap, s'éloigne vers d'autres blouses blanches et discute.
Un deuxième en blouse blanche s'approche, relève le drap et l'examine. Puis il repart.
Quand le troisième blouse blanche approche, lève le drap et la scrute,
la jeune femme s'impatiente:
- C'est bien beau toutes ces auscultations, mais quand allez-vous m'opérer?
L'homme en blouse blanche hausse les épaules:
- J'en ai aucune idée, nous on repeint le couloir.
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La petite Nathalie ( 7 ans ) est dans le jardin en train de remplir un trou lorsque le voisin l'aperçoit par-dessus la clôture.
- Que fais-tu là Nathalie?
- Elle lui répond, sans lever la tête, que son poisson d'aquarium est mort et qu'elle l'enterre.
Le voisin quelque peu curieux lui dit :
- C'est un très gros trou pour un petit poisson ne crois-tu pas? "
A ce moment, Nathalie termine la dernière pelletée en la tapant délicatement et lui répond:
- C'est parce qu'il est à l'intérieur de ton putain de chat."
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Le peuple
Moi je rapporte l'argent a
la maison, je represete le capitalisme Ta mère
gère notre famille et fait les dépenses : elle est
le gouvernement.
La femme de ménage, qui travaille pour nous, est : la classe
ouvrière.
Toi tu es le peuple.
Ton petit frère Hector est la génération future. "
" As-tu compris ? "
" Oui, je pense " répondit petit Pierre.
Dans la nuit, petit Pierre est réveillé par Hector qui pleure.
Il se lève et va voir son petit frère qui a besoin que l'on change
sa couche qui dégage une forte odeur !
Il se rend dans la chambre de ses parents et tente de réveiller sa maman
qui dort profondément. Voulant réveiller son Papa, il constate
qu'il n'est pas dans le lit avec sa maman. Il le cherche et le trouve faisant
de la gymnastique tout nu dans le lit de la bonne. Entre-temps Hector fatigué s'est
rendormi.
Petit Pierre se recouche.
Le lendemain, au petit déjeuner petit Pierre dit à son père
:
" Tu sais Papa j'ai tout compris de la politique ! "
" Ah oui et qu'as-tu compris ? " demande son Papa
" C'est simple, j'ai compris que le capitalisme baise la classe ouvrière
pendant que le gouvernement roupille, restant sourd aux appels du peuple et laissant
la future génération dans la merde ! ! "
The two drinkers
Two men are
sitting at the bar at the top of the Empire State Building
drinking, when the first guy turns to the other one and says: "You
know, last
week I discovered if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you
fall to the 10th floor, the wind around the building is so intense
it
carries you back into the window".
The Bartender just shakes his head in
disapproval while wiping the bar, but says nothing. The second guy
says,"What? Are you insane? There's no way that could happen!"
"No,
it's true"
said the first guy, "let me prove it to you". He gets up from the
bar, jumps
over the balcony and plummets toward the street below. When he
passes the
10th floor, the wind whips him in the window, and he takes the
elevator back
up to the bar. The second guy is astonished. "You know, I saw that
with my
own eyes, but it must've been a fluke. That was scientifically
impossible!"
"No, I'll prove it again" says the first man as he jumps. Again, just as his
body hurtles towards the street, the wind whips him into the 10th floor
window. He takes the elevator back to the bar. Once upstairs, he
successfully urges his dubious fellow drinker to try it. "Well, what the
heck," the second guy says, "I've seen that it works, so I'll try it!"
He
jumps over the balcony and rapidly plunges downwards. His body hits the
pavement with a loud "splat". Back upstairs, the bartender who had been
silent the whole time turns to the first drinker, and shakes his head and
says:
'You know, Superman, you're a real bastard when you're pissed'
The Pope
After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo at the airport, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the kerb.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take Your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.
The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle,and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," says the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!" "No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!!"
The explanation
Sheila comes home early from work one day only to find her husband, Mark, in bed with a woman.
Sheila exclaims: "That's it, I'm leaving and never coming back!"
Mark asks: "Don't you at least want to hear my explanation?"
Sheila shrugs and says, "Fine, let's hear your story."
Mark says, "I'm driving along the street when I see this young lady in torn clothes, no shoes, all muddy and crying. I took pity on her and asked if she would like to get cleaned up in my house.
She climbed into my truck and I brought her home. She took a shower,
I gave her the underwear that doesn't fit you anymore, the blouse I bought you two years ago that you never wore, the Nike running shoes you bought but never used - I even gave her some of the roast beef you had in the fridge, but didn't serve to me."
Then I showed her to the door.
She thanked me profusely. But, as she was about to leave she turned around and asked me, Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?"
Flying on Air Force One
The President, the First Lady and Dick Cheney are flying on Air Force One.
George looks at Laura, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a
$1,000.00 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy."
Laura shrugs her shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $100.00
bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."
Cheney says, "Of course then, I could throw one-hundred $10.00 bills out
the window and make a hundred people very happy."
The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them and says to his co-pilot,
"Such big shots back there.... hell, I could throw all of them out the window
and make 56 million people very happy."
Not a rodriguan joke !
Three Irishmen are enjoying a round of stout in the local pub when suddenly a drunk stumbles in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle...
The drunk shouts: "Your mom's the best damn lay in town!"
Everyone in the pub expects a fight, but the young strong man just ignores him.
The drunk mumbles as he wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
Barely ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was swe-e-e-t!"
Once again the young man holds back his Irish temper and refuses to take the bait. The drunk sneers as he wanders back to the far end of the bar.
Not two minutes pass when once again he's back harassing the young man. For all to hear, the drunk yells in the man's ear: "You know, your mom even let me..."
Finally, the young man loses his temper, grabs the drunk by the shoulders, shakes him hard and shouts: "Go home Dad, you're drunk!"
Computer gender
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
A student asked, "What gender is "computer"?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether
"computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computer") because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
Be strong, honey!
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her; kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds: "he wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
Call price
An American decided to write a book about famous churches of Australia. For his first chapter he decided to write about famous Sydney churches. So he bought a plane ticket and made the trip to St Mary's Cathedral thinking that he would work his way down the country. On his first day he was inside the cathedral taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by, what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way. Next stop was Star of the Sea at Waverley. There, at a very large church, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw at St Mary's and he asked a nearby nun what it's purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.
"O.K., thank you", said the American.
He then travelled on through the North Shore and in every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.With his first chapter going well, he left Northern Sydney and travelled to the Sutherland Shire. Again, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "10 cents per call." The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've travelled all over Sydney, and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in all the churches in Sydney the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"
The priest smiled and answered, "You're in the Shire now son. It's a local call".
Do not forget to celebrate the International Creole day on 28 October .Happy Creole Day everyone.
Our Beer
Notre bière qui est êtes au frais...
The Lizard joke.
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey, "hey! what are you doing?"
The monkey says, "smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "what's the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "hey!"
The Monkey looks down and says, "faaaaaaark......how much water did you drink?!!"
GEOGRAPHY OF WOMEN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil.
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like
After 70, she becomes
GEOGRAPHY OF MEN
Between 1 and 70, a man is like
Heartbreak Hotel
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:
"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. Your Husband"
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Don't wait up."
Once in a blue moon.
An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together. After examining the husband, the doctor said to him: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to discuss with me?"
"In fact, I do,"said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly. "
After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"
"The daft old bugger!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually around July and the second time is usually in December!"
Suzuki sait tout.
Premier jour d'école dans une classe américaine. L'institutrice présente à la classe un nouvel élève, Sakiro Suzuki (le fils du boss de Sony). L'heure commence.
L'institutrice: - Bon, voyons qui maîtrise l'histoire de la culture américaine. Qui a dit: DONNEZ-MOI LA LIBERTÉ OU LA MORT ?"
Pas un murmure dans la salle.
Suzuki lève la main: "Patrick Henry, 1775, à Philadelphie"
- Très bien Suzuki !
Et qui a dit: L'ETAT EST LE PEUPLE, LE PEUPLE NE PEUT PAS SOMBRER ?
- Abraham Lincoln, 1863 à Washington, répond Suzuki.
L'institutrice regarde les élève et dit : - Honte à vous ! Suzuki est Japonais et il connaît l'histoire américaine mieux que vous !
On entend alors une petite voix au fond de la classe: - Allez tous vous faire f..., connards de Japonais !
- Qui a dit ça ? S'insurge l'institutrice.
Suzuki lève la main et sans attendre, dit: - Général Mc Arthur, 1942, au Canal de Panama et Lee Iacocca, 1982, lors de l'assemblée générale de Général Motors Dans la classe plongée.
Dans le silence, on entend un discret : - y'm'fait vomir...
L'institutrice de hurler: - Qui a dit ça ?
Et Suzuki: - George Bush Senior au premier Ministre Tanaka pendant un dîner officiel à Tokyo en 1991.
Un des élèves se lève alors et crie - pomp'moi l'gland !!
Et Suzuki, sans ciller: - Bill Clinton à Monica Lewinsky, 1997 dans la salle ovale de la Maison Blanche à Washington.
Un autre élève lui hurle alors: - Suzuki, espèce de merde !
Et Suzuki: - Valentino Rossi, lors du Grand Prix de Moto en Afrique du Sud en 2002.
La salle tombe littéralement dans l'hystérie, l'institutrice perd connaissance, la porte s'ouvre et le directeur de l'école apparaît:
- MERDE, j'ai encore jamais vu un bordel pareil !
Et Suzuki: - Chirac, après s'être vu remettre les comptes de la Sécu par le premier ministre Raffarin.
Woman's psychology
I never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. And I never figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women think with their heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do" FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last
week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.
“I said WHAT???!!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, “Let's get a pair for each outfit.”
We went to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited,
she must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT??!!!"
I then said "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I won't be having sex again until sometime after pigs fly over a frozen hell.
******************
MAURITIAN JOKE: To be read and enjoyed only if you understand the way Mauritians speak their Creole Conversation.
Ø Picpac: Allo qui manière, Ticolo? Tou korek?
Ø Ticolo; My English professor has asked me to speak English only; Let us speak English. This will improve our English knowledge.
Ø Picpac: OK, what are u called?
Ø Ticolo: Ticolo, and u?
Ø Picpac: Picpac
Ø Ticolo: Where do u rest?
Ø Picpac: At four coconut. And u?
Ø Ticolo: At red Earth near a half big shop.
Ø Picpac: It is husband hot in the stadium.
Ø Ticolo: You have reason. I am transpirating! How are you doing at school? Are u breaking the packets?
Ø Picpac: Yes, my father told me if I fail, my saucepan will be hot.
Ø Ticolo: I gain thirsty. Have u something to drink?
Ø Picpac: Yes, I have some dead water. Do u want some?
Ø Ticolo: Yes. Thank you. If u gain hungry, I have got fried apple of the earth.
Ø Picpac: No. Thank u. I have bought some dholl rotten with curry big weight.
Ø Ticolo: Are u taking part in the sports?
Ø Picpac: No, I am blessed in the foot.
Ø Ticolo: What have u got?
Ø Picpac: The baby of curry rock felt on it.
Ø Ticolo: Do u hurt much?
Ø Picpac: I saw lightings.
Suddenly there was a commotion in the centre of the field and many pupils had assembled.
Ø Ticolo: Stay here. I am going to see what arrived. (A few minutes later, he returns and announces) A boy fell without knowledge. The professor says it is because of the heat. He is called Zoreille. Do u know him?
Ø Picpac: Yes, but he is not my army. He is a coconut eater. It is not easy with him.
Ø Ticolo: Look at the small boy. He wants to run with a big. He will not be capable.
Ø Picpac: I know him. He runs quickly. Small knife cuts big pumpkin. His sister is a beautiful thirty-five. I am trying to put her in a circle, but I have no money. I am waiting for my condemned box to fill. Now my hand is under rock.
Ø Ticolo: We must marry picker. I give u money.
Ø Picpac: Do not tell her brother. If he knows, he will untie our race. He is a small chilli.
Ø Ticolo: Are u going to rest here a long time?
Ø Picpac: No. If I felt an occasion, I am going to break a pose at Rose-Hill.
Ticolo stood up and inadvertently crushed his friend's foot.
Ø Picpac: Eh, u monkey, you are blessing me again. You cannot make attention?!
Ø Ticolo: Sorry, my black.
Unfortunately, the conversation ended here...
THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK....
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit .
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing &still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.
*******************************************************************
Un homme bricoleur !
ZONE ROSE - Un homme bricoleur !
La lumière de la cuisine ne marchait plus et Sylvie, après avoir vainement tenté d'installer une ampoule neuve, attendait impatiemment son mari pour qu'il règle le problème. Dès qu'il revint à la maison, en fin d'après-midi, elle le lui signala.
L'homme, plutôt goujat, bomba le torse et, montrant l'inscription qui figurait sur son T-shirt, répondit : " y a pas écrit électricité
Générale la dessus "
Elle ne répondit pas. Le lendemain, la lumière n'ayant toujours pas été réparée, Sylvie interpella une nouvelle fois son mari :
" Chéri, en jouant au ballon, les enfants ont cassé la fenêtre du séjour... Tu peux t'en occuper ? "
Et l'homme comme la veille répondit:
"Tu vois inscrit vitrier sur mon t-shirt ? "
Elle n'insista pas non plus.
Deux jours plus tard, c'était au tour de la machine à laver de montrer des signes de faiblesse. La femme, sans trop d'espoir, le signala à son mari qui rétorqua: " Y a pas marqué Monsieur Bricolage la dessus Débrouille toi... "
Une semaine passe et, à sa grande surprise, l'homme découvre un beau jour que tout a été réparé dans la maison.
Il dit à sa femme: " ça y est, il n'y a plus de problèmes d'ampoules, ni de carreaux brisés... "
" Non le voisin a tout réparé ", répondit-elle.
Le mari demanda :
" Et combien a-t-il demandé pour cela ? "
Elle répondit :
" Il a été sympa il m'a laissé le choix entre lui préparer une douzaine de flans à la crème fraîche et passer deux heures d'intimité avec lui... "
" Ah, ouais ", poursuit le mari, " et il a aimé tes flans à la crème ?"
Et la femme de demander en bombant le torse: "Tu vois marqué Mamie Nova la dessus ?
**********************************************************
BLONDE - Chaud, froid...
Une blonde passe devant une quincaillerie et aperçoit un objet brillant dans la vitrine. Elle entre et demande au vendeur :
- "Bonjour Monsieur, dites moi quel est cet objet brillant en vitrine?"
- "C'est une bouteille Thermos, Mademoiselle.", lui répond le vendeur.
- "Mais à quoi cela sert-il donc ?"
- "Cela sert à conserver à la bonne température ce que vous mettez dedans. »
Ça garde les choses chaudes au chaud et les choses froides au froid."
La blonde est enthousiasmée :
- "Génial, j'achète !"
Le lendemain au bureau, elle sort sa bouteille Thermos à la pause du matin.
Son chef la remarque et lui demande :
- "Quel est cet objet brillant ?"
- "C'est un Thermos.", répond-elle.
- "Et ça sert à quoi ?" s'interroge le chef.
- "Ça garde les choses chaudes au chaud et les choses froides au froid.",
explique-t-elle fièrement.
- "Super ! Et qu'avez-vous mis dedans ?"
- "Oh ! Pas grand chose patron : juste 2 tasses de café et un sorbet citron-cassis."
********************************************
La Sagesse Chinoise....
Les 5 préceptes de la sagesse chinoise destinés aux Femmes
1. Il est important de trouver un homme qui t'aide dans les tâches ménagères et travaux pénibles, et qui ait un bon emploi.
2. Il est important de trouver un homme d'esprit, ayant beaucoup d'humour, qui te fasse rire.
3. Il est important que tu trouves un homme sur qui tu puisses compter, en qui tu aies confiance et qui ne te mentes jamais.
4. Il est important de trouver un homme qui soit bon au lit, qui aime te faire l'amour.
5. Il est important que ces quatre hommes ne se connaissent pas
The beaver story
A 90 year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang" and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90 year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot the beaver." The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
POKER PLAYER
Two couples were playing cards one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he couldn't help but notice that Bill's wife Sue, legs spread wide,wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John, upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything you liked under there?"
Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well, indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial as well as the moral costs of this offer, John indicates that he is indeed interested.
She tells him that since her husband, Bill, works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, that John should be at her house around 2:00 Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house for the planned time with Sue at 2:00pm sharp and after paying her the agreed sum of $500, they went to the bedroom and closed their sexual transaction as Sue had promised.
Afterwards, John quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bill came home from work at 6:00pm and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly, "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"
A little worried, Bill's wife answered, "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"
In terror, she assumed that somehow he had found out, and after mustering up her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd slip it in to you this afternoon on his way home.
NOW THAT'S A POKER PLAYER!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Subject: Mauritian Personal Law la, quand pou vini???????
Muslim Personal Law
====================
Missie capave marier avec ziska 4 madames mais madame pena meme droit. Missie ou madame capave initier divorce ek tous femmes capave reclame part egale heritage. Zenfant tifi gagne zero plombaz, garcon dan corek. Dan mariaz, bizn manze briani ek boire pepsi seulement, coca pas aller.
Hindu Personal Law
==================
Avant marier, bizin guetter si pas meme caste. Pena limite lors comie
fam capave ena. Lord Krishna meme ti ena 1008 fam, alors ... Tous dimoune bizin plante pied banane dan so la cour pou capave servi so feuille au lieu servi plat ek manze are la main droite seulement. Couto fourchette pas bizin do.
Chinese Personal Law
====================
Kan marier, oblige sonne petard canon sorti depi la Chine, seki sorti l'Inde pas bon. Apres mari capave ena autant concubines d'apres so moyen ek statut. Tout servante zom bizin castrer ek vinne eunuque. Pou l'heritaz, garcon 1er lot, tifi 2eme lot.
Creole Personal Law
===================
Officiellement, ene fam par mari, mais amba amba, mari ou fam capave garde 1-2 lezot a gauche a droite tant ki pas faire vilain. Pou heritaz, pou narnie la guerre parce ki cash meme parfois pas assez pou faire l'enterrement.
White Personal Law
===================
Ene "de la ville" pas capave marier avec ene "de la campagne." Ca ne
se fait pas du tout, mon bonhomme! Si tu coze pas francois correct
correct, aben tu es trop faille pou marier avec. Blanc marier r blanc; seul exception si ou portefeuille pas couma la peau fesse, abe l'heure la capave faire ene exception.
Unexplained disappearance
George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is.
"Billy."
"And what is your question, Billy?"