Chris Lobsinger - Problem Gambling - Help for Families


	Help for Families
	Remember these key points: You cannot force the gambler to stop gambling. You are not to blame for the gamblers behaviour. Even though you may desperately what the gambler to stop, ultimately it is not up to you. You can help by saying two things at once to the person: no to gambling and lying, and yes I care about you . You have a right to protect your physically, emotional, and financial security. Your safety is a priority. Sometimes the gambler may resort to abusive behaviour and violence to keep control of others to keep gambling. In this situation your safety comes first. Domestic violence is a crime. Never risk your personal safety and get help from the appropriate authorities. You are allowed to love and care for anybody you choose, regardless of their behaviour. You do not have to defend your choice of who you love to anyone.
	If someone you know has a problem with their gambling, their problems may also affect you. You may be affected a great deal or just a little. This depends on the severity of the gambling problem and how close you are to the gambler. The closer you are, the more likely you are to feel the effects such as debt, relationship problems, lack of trust, insecurity and fear about the future. Being related to a person with a gambling problem can place you in a very difficult situation. It is hard trying to avoid the painful effects of problem gambling while maintaining your relationship with the problem gambler. Reqests for money One of the most difficult problems you may face is being asked to help the problem gambler out by giving or loaning them money. On one hand you may wish to help out with a loan. On the other you may know that by bailing them out you are enabling the gambler to continue gambling. To complicate matters, they may ask you to keep the gambling secret, placing you in a difficult situation. You may even be told that if you don't help out, then this will damage your relationship with the gambler, or that you will damage their relationship with others. In this no win situation, the only way to win is not to play. It may sound hard, but the best you can do is to not contribute to future problems by helping the gambler to keep gambling. This is the best way to protect yourself from problems and to help the gambler. You can respond to difficult requests for financial, or emotional bail outs with an answer which contains three messages. First Message: I care about you and I don't want you to suffer. Second Message: No I cannot help you avoid the consequences of your actions, no matter how much it hurts me to say no. Third Message: You can solve your problem by seeking personal and financial help and I will support you. Financial help is often available in the form of arrangements with financial institutions or directly with creditors. The idea is to stop trying to find quick fix solutions and start working towards real solutions. Financial counselling is also available in many areas. Protect your relationship by protecting yourself If your financial security is tied to a problem gambler, you will need to protect yourself and family from the effects. This usually means separating your financial situation from theirs, and working towards finding ways to protect yourself from gambling debt. It is rarely possible to achieve this totally. However, the more you protect your financial situation the less fear and stress you will have. This also encourages the gambler to choose long term solutions for their problem. The risk of relationship breakdown increases as problem gambling continues. Separating yourself financially now, may help you to stay together emotionally later. The harder I try the worse it gets! Trying to make a problem gambler stop gambling can be a little like trying to make the sun set. You can try all kinds of things but in the end it doesn't matter what you do. What is worse if the sun goes down just at the same time you command it to, then you may begin to believe you can control it. Similarly, if you believe that another person's behaviour is in your control, you are likely to feel the burden of having to control them. You may also feel like a failure when you are ultimately shown who is boss. Being in a relationship with a problem gambler, you may be tempted to work harder and harder at making them do the right thing. Instead, you are better off protecting yourself from the effects of problem gambling and developing happiness in your life. Tactics I have tried... Which tactics have you tried to control your loved ones gambling behaviour? Telling them to stop Pointing out that gambling is not logical Talking to them about possible reasons for their gambling Telling them how you feel about their gambling Pointing out the problems that gambling causes Pleading with them to stop Threatening to leave Threatening to cut off financial support Threatening to cut off emotional support Planning their activities for them Reading books to learn how to help them Checking up on their whereabouts Hiding money or credit cards from them Hiding car keys or disabling the car Asking the children to ask the gambler to stop The more tactics you have tried the greater risk you have of getting caught up in a cycle of trying to control another persons behaviour. Just as a person can get caught up in problem gambling you can get caught up in trying to control their gambling behaviour - leading you to feel as powerless and helpless as the problem gambler.	No matter what you say or do, ultimately the problem of how to stop gambling belongs to the gambler and if quitting were easy, they would have probably done it by now. You can help yourself by finding ways to reduce your suffering, stress and fears about the effects of the gambling by putting your energy into protecting and caring for yourself and family. What are the effects of problem gambling on your relationship? Problem gambling can lead to relationship breakdown because fear and distrust in the relationship grows as gambling continues and takes its toll on your relationship. One way to become clearer about these effects on you and your relationship is to use these questions: Give yourself a score from 1-10 for each of these questions. 1 = none at all 10 = a great deal Overall, how much did you trust the gambler before gambling was a concern? Overall, how much do you trust them now? Overall, how much do you think you will trust them one year from now if things don't change? How much did you trust them with money before problem gambling was a concern? How much do you trust them with money now? How much do you think you will trust them with money one year from now if things don't change? How safe did you feel before problem gambling was a concern? How safe do you feel now? How safe will you feel a year from now if things don't change? How much laughter did you have in your life before problem gambling was a concern? How much laughter do you have now? How much laugher will you have one year from now if things don't change? Your scores give you an idea of the way things are heading, either positive or negative. Keep track of the direction things are going in by re-scoring yourself once a month. Signs of problem gambling Money Related Signs Unexplained debt Money disappearing Assets disappearing Secrets about money Numerous loans Missing house hold items Phone calls from angry creditors Missing financial statements Time Related signs No time for every day activities Over use of sick days and days off Use of increasing amounts of time to study gambling Relationship Related Signs Few friends Few interests Family complaints of being emotional shut out Avoidance of social events Control and Manipulation Signs Lies of commission or omission Secretiveness about activities Secret bank accounts Secret PO box's Manipulation of others by threat or charm Action plan for families People who gamble too much have difficulty handling money when a gambling opportunity exists. Don't wait for them to stop gambling or try to make them stop gambling, instead take action to care for yourself and protect your family. Start with yourself Even if the gambler does not want help for their problem, you have a right to be physically, emotionally and financially safe and to receive help for yourself and your family. Be honest Don't lie or cover up problem gambling. Be honest with yourself, the gambler, and your family. Secrets only become a burden for you to bear and enable the gambling to continue. Protect your financial security Take control of the finances Limit access to cash and credit Budget and allow each member of the family some spending money, this includes the gambler Avoid inheriting the gamblers debt. Remove your name off joint financial arrangements Get Help Make use of self help groups and professional counselling. Don't try to do it alone. Isolation can encourage hopelessness and fear. Tell someone you trust Telling someone you trust about your problems is not disloyal to the gambler only to their gambling. Not telling someone about your problems is disloyal to yourself. Control unhelpful guilt and shame Guilt is a useful emotion if it helps you take responsibility for your behaviour. But, it can also be unhelpful if it stops you from caring for yourself. Remember that gambling behaviour is not your fault. Don't feel guilty for what you cannot control. Trust your own thoughts and feelings If you think that gambling is a problem then it is a problem. If you are feeling sad, hurt, or fearful then you are feeling sad, hurt, or fearful. Don't dismiss yourself. If it important to you then it is important and that's that. Control your aggression Its OK to feel angry and hurt and to express these feelings. But, violence and abuse are not acceptable, just as any abusive behaviour is not acceptable.

Copyright © 2001-2005 Chris Lobsinger Last updated 27 September 2005