For over a year now I've been seeking God through a faithful Christian walk- mostly independent of church membership because I didn't want to become "religious" and no where in the Bible does it say to join a church. So, I occasionally went to church services- always at different ones- but almost always left disappointed and confused. Every church I attended had merchandise for sale and forcefully asked for money to build a new gym or something.

I wanted to go to church to worship and praise God- not shop or buy my salvation. Many people in the church keep pure hearted people out. Many times I was either watched and chastised after or even during the service for sitting too comfortably or was completely ignored. Anyway, I found myself being instructed to do this and that- formulas to healing and salvation.

This morning I said to myself, "Wait a minute! The Bible says if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature; old things are past away, behold, all things are become anew. Well, I'm still not transformed! I had sought God to do what I can not do. Isn't that the idea of why we petition a deity? To do what man cannot do- such as the miraculous. I've prayed, begged, and done everything I know to do for God to miraculously intervene in all areas of my life but it seems as though I've been on some sort of self-improvement course relying solely on my strength and resources. Heck, where is God? I'm still sick and bound by some things I can in no way overcome without divine intervention. I had been hoping that by the power of the Holy Spirit I'd be made whole, but I've gone full circle to no avail.

The most disturbing part of all this is not that I wasn't miraculously transformed and healed- because I can control the things in my life that I had sought God's aid to permanently overcome. I'll manage somehow. But what about if there ever came a time when cancer or some other painful disease strikes our mortal bodies? I don't want to suffer. There are many things man alone can not bear. There is indeed a need for a real and living God that cares and brings relief? Why doesn't He manifest Himself in the lives of hurting humanity. It is like He is on a long vacation having forgotten all about His creation. What a dreadful thought to have to go into old age and all its degenerating processes without a caring deity. Yikes!

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