To thine own self be true

I have always been a christian, having been brought up to believe in God since I could walk. Looking back, it feels as if there wasn't a time when I didn't believe in God, as I always just took it for granted that Jesus was there listening to my selfish prayers. I suppose I got that from my mom, who taught me how to pray, and made sure I prayed every single night, until I was old enough to accept Christianity for myself. Since I never investigated any other religions, or delved into evolution and philosophy, I was extremely gullible to new ideas, and didn't really think for myself.

It all came apart when I started investigating the Toronto Blessing and tounges in general. For a few weeks I actually believed in it, then realised that it was mostly hypnotism and emotionalism that produced these 'phenomena'. I started wondering why, if these people had the Holy Spirit, they could be so mistaken about God and the Bible. I also realised that they could justify their beliefs using select verses from the Bible, and that we too, justified dogmas by selectively picking and choosing certain passages. How else would we be able to believe in the Trinity?

Seeds of doubt were planted in my mind, and from that point on I started drawing away from the habit of following the herd, and started thinking for myself. I was still a believer, though, I was just trying to find the correct doctrine to believe in.

Another problem had plagued me ever since my bisexual tendencies started revealing themselves when I was 17. The Bible is totally against homosexuality, and I believe that the Bible has made it clear that homosexuals are going to burn for eternity. Most Christians that I've come across don't show that 'unconditional love' towards homosexuals that they claim to have. Having to endure my friends' jokes about homosexuals left a bad taste in my mouth about christianity, and it eventually spread to God. Why would he send murderers and homosexuals to the same fate? Why does it matter whom a person loves? Surely a homosexual couple in a commited relationship is more moral than a promiscuous woman that sleeps around with a different man every night?

Add onto those problems the idea that all non-christians, no matter how good, are going to hell. All those Buddhists, Hindus, Atheists etc were on a one-way ticket to torture for eternity. All because they were born into the wrong family. I have no doubts that had I been born a Hindu, I would never have changed to Christianity! After all, the Hindu religion is far older than the Christian one. Jesus is practically the new kid on the block! Fundamentalist Christianity is even newer! How did the Catholics manage to go through so many years with the 'wrong' beliefs? Why didn't God reveal the true religion earlier?

A week before my deconversion, I tried once again to be 'saved'. You know the ritual - ask God for forgiveness, accept Jesus' gift of salvation, believe that you've been made a new person. I've noticed throughout my life that after these 'rededications', I'd go straight back into the life I lived before, and that my heart never changed like everybody claimed it would. I was the same old person that I always was. This time I wanted it to be different. *This* was the day that everything changed and I'd become a zealous Christian, out to convert every living soul I came across. I'd give up my whole life to God, even go into ministry if he wanted me to, and never doubt again. Needless to say, nothing changed the next day. This was the final straw, and I realised that God was just not answering my prayers. I was just praying to my ceiling afterall.

Hoping that it might do something to flare up my belief in God again, I went to www.losingmyreligion.com. When I came across it before, I just laughed at the articles, and felt proud that 'I hadn't been unfaithful to Jesus'. Now I devoured the articles, and realised that there were a million contradictions in the Bible that I never saw before. I was shocked at how many ex-christians there were that had been devoted to Christ before their deconversion, and had lost their belief through honest evaluation of the Christian religion. I had been fed the lie that those who had walked away, did so because of sin in their lives and rebellion. All I saw were grieving souls that had realised their cherished crutch wasn't there any more, that had been dragged into the truth kicking and screaming, only to come to the same conclusion - Christianity is man-made, and the Biblegod is certainly no god worthy of worship. A few days later, after many nights of thinking and reading, I realised that I had also gradually lost faith in God, and that I no longer believed in him. It was a relief to finally be free of the constant guilt and shame that had chained itself to me as a result of my 'perverse' attractions. I didn't have to cry myself to sleep at night, asking God to 'change' me in some miraculous way. I didn't have to wonder why God ignored me when he seemed to do so much for other Christians. I was free!

Where I am now :

The title of this testimony sums up my motto in life. I was a christian because I believed in the Bible, and I strived to be the best christian possible, becoming a total hypocrite in the process. When the doubts started harrassing me, I started investigating the reasons for atheism and for theism. It led me to believe that there is no God, no soul, no afterlife to wish for, no hell to fear. I was free to live this life like I wanted to, and responsible for my actions - no more Satan to blame. I realised that I couldn't carry on believing in God when everything painted him a fantasy. As much as I loved him (read : loved the idea of him) and clung to the idea of heaven as a balm during troublesome times in my life, I had to be true to myself and let go of it once and for all. I have yet to tell my parents about my new view of religion, and my friends are also in the dark as to my beliefs, although I think they've started to suspect, as I'm avoiding church like the plague. For me, going to church means returning to all those good memories of worshiping God and fellowship with other christians. They are bittersweet memories as I know now that the god I was worshiping wasn't worthy of that worship. I'm convinced I actually grieved over the loss of my religion, and of god. At first I was angry and bitter at those that had misled me, even at the fictional god that I had poured my heart to. Then I was just sad. Now I've come to the point where I can look at that part of my life as a learning stage I had to go through to be the person I am now. I'm infinately more tolerent of other religions - I don't have to defend Christianity anymore - and I certainly don't look down on others as I used to. (Which is the very reason why I avoid the more 'spiritual' members of Christianity) All-in-all, I believe I'm a happier person now than I was then and more at peace with myself. I'm also saner now that I don't have to interpret every event in my life as a message from god. Most of all, my Sundays are free again. Aaaamen!

I hope that one day I'll be able to stand up for what I believe, without fear of condemnation from my family and friends, and will be able to say that I've been true to myself in every aspect of my life.