My story begins in November of 1993 when I met my first girlfriend. She was a christian, and invited me to "Heaven's Gate, Hell's flames" play at an assembly of God, I made the altar call afterwards, not fully understanding what I did. Then the church I made my home church was a small fundamental full gospel church way in the country that she attended. Everyone there was treated like family, and oh how wonderful I felt for those first few years until, I had serious doubts about everything (the existance of God and everything) but I soon got over it, being rooted in the Word. When I look back on it, I was in depression and didn't even realize it. I see now that this is not normal, though I thought it was a normal part of the christian life (that's all I knew). Christmas, Easter, and many other holidays were shunned, and the Catholic church was shunned as the great evil in the world. Mostly everything was centered in anti-catholicism. Government was looked upon as "Big Brother watching us, etc." The sermons were sharp and many times very condeming. There was hardly any book in the Bible that was overlooked. Higher education was shunned upon (as an unspoken rule), and any mention of going to a christian college or bible school was looked upon with disdain.

The only thing that was looked favorably upon was work that required hand-on hard manual labor, which personally, i was never used too. I worked in dept stores, and grocery stores before, and I was mostly an academic before I went to that church, and the people their did not graduate high school and very 'green' about things in life. You couldn't have an intellectual conversation with anyone, though my pastor was pretty smart in many areas and had alot of common sense and book learning.

But in that church, constantly had to live up to many rules, and was always nervous if the pastor was upset with me or what he thought of most things that I did. I played drums in that church and wasn't the most skillful player, and many times I didnt want to play because it made me nervous, but not playing brought condemnation brought on my a feeling of guiltiness from the pastor. Don't get me wrong, I love him and his family to death.

Needless to say, I realize now how I was slowly loosing my ability to think and make decision because it was somewhat of a 'hyperfaith' church. I was looking my ability to keep up with my finances, etc. I would lay down and sleep most of the time because I realize now that I was depressed, like I always had to be in this state of sadness to be pleasing to the Lord. In 1999, in the midst of frustration and depression because I hated a job that I was at, and I wanted a wife, but had none an old friend invited me to his church and I went (it is a oneness church, apostolic/united pentecostal). They invited me to a Bible Study, and I went thinking that I could successfully when a debate over who was right and who was wrong in what the Bible taught. I lost that debate for some reason, because of some 'fleeces' i put before the Lord that I believed told me that the Oneness church was the one true church. It gave me a nervous breakdown because it meant that if the Oneness church was right, that my previous 6 years and all the people and called brother and sister that I knew at the other church where not saved and on there way to a devil's hell. That confused me all the more, and sent me in a spiraling depression and mental pain. So i continued to go to the Oneness church, being rebaptized and trying to get the Holy Ghost, I did this for about a month. I still feel it was a weird church. I had to leave the Oneness church because of the 'phariseeism', but something kept nagging me that the Oneness church was right, and I knew what the Bible said about the 'self-righteous', and it was all over in the Oneness church. I had to quit going there to keep my sanity, though I almost lost it! :)

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