I was born a Catholic. My father was Catholic and my mother was forced to convert to Catholicism before their marriage could even take place. My father had been an altar-boy, had attended Catholic schools and had even considered becoming a priest at one time. He had been heavily indoctrinated by the Catholics since he was very young. My mother converted to Mormonism when I was 11, I was pressured to comply. I tried to please my parents (honor student in highschool, graduated christian college with honors, multi-lingual, etc.) but with my father this is impossible.

For reasons unknown to me, when I was about thirteen my father, who had previously been distant, became violent and verbally abusive to me. He accused me of all kinds of terrible things. I feel ill just recalling some of it. "Fat" and "ugly" were some of the nicer things he called me. I was about a size 1 then (I'm a size 3 now) and never believed that part, fortunately - but "ugly" and "fat nose" are very difficult things for an adolescent girl (or boy) to deal with. His aggression toward me occurred without provocation. He would just come home angry with me and threatening to destroy my face so that no man would ever look at me. (I should not feel the need to defend myself, but I did not loose my virginity until I was 24 and well out of the house.)

It should also be said that I was very isolated. I was an only child and we lived on a farm a little outside town, but there were no other people my age around with whom I had contact except at school. I was pretty much indoctrinated 6 days a week either by Catholics or Mormons until I graduated high school. I attended a Catholic High School on the other end of town (I had to leave the public school because I was attacked a few times there by kids I didn't know - I still can't explain that either, except that there was and still is some terrible gossip about me flying around in that part of town. I have often wondered if my father had something to do with that somehow.) I think my father, being Catholic, has something against girls and women. Then the Mormons came along and made things even worse with their business about "the man is the head of the household."

I was a faithful and believing Mormon until I attended BYU. It became clear to me that there was a terrible double-standard at work. To put it blatantly, whenever a Mormon man gets turned on it is the woman's fault. Whatever the man does - it is the woman's fault - she tempted him. I sincerely believed that God hated me because I was a girl. I finally ran across a passage in the Doctrine and Covenants (one of their supplemental books) that had to do with the origin of some of the church's doctrines. I began to have serious doubts. A friend of mine suggested for some reason that I can't recall that I should attend some sort of New Age meeting that had been organized by some ex-Unitarians. I went. My views began to broaden. In a short time I realized that I had come into a group of witches.

I have been a practitioner of one variety or other of witchcraft ever since I was about 21 or 22. Witchcraft gave me the courage to leave the church and to regain my self-esteem as a woman. (I tried to be a Wiccan once, but I think my anger frightened them and I could not accept their doctrine of "what ever you do comes back to you" - there is no evidence for that one. As it turns out I'm not particularly Celtic anyway.) I had quite a little trial leaving the Mormon church formally. It was disgusting. I wrote a letter to the bishop which apparently several other people read, then they sent a man to my house to accuse me of violating the law of chastity (doesn't that make you sick!) and finally I tried to explain to him that I was just trying to do the right thing (as I had stated clearly in my letter to the bishop), that I did not believe in Christianity and did not want to be a hypocrite by being a member of their church. Plus the fact that church members were calling me, harassing me, trying to get me to come to the church. My mother and father both finally requested excommunication from the Mormon church, mainly to keep the Mormons from coming around harassing them.

What I most resent is the way I was treated as a young woman. It is appalling enough now, but I was a defenseless and very innocent child then. I can't believe how evil-minded these alleged Christians are. But most of the worst, most intolerant, two-faced, backbiting, perverted liars I have ever had to deal with are out here in the mid-west. (I used to tour out here and just hated it!) I still feel sick when I am called a whore and such by people here. I hate the suggestive ways some of them speak to me. I am trying to get out of the midwest right now. I hate the bible belt. I try to mind my own business but there are so many bad people here - my father being one of them.

I'm sorry for sounding so angry. I have found some peace. I have a very decent man in my life - it took me years and a lot of mistakes and a lot of travelling to learn what that is - I used to think good men didn't exist but I have known many - mostly non-Christians now that I think about it. I have travelled extensively and learned a great deal about who and what I am. I discovered the religious beliefs of my ancient Germanic ancestors. I learned a long time ago that Christianity was a foreign religion, but it took a little while to learn what my native religion is. In the Germanic nations of Europe women have basic human rights - something lacking in a big way in most places in this country, particularly the bible-belt.

I spend a lot of time avoiding my enemies including my father who literally makes me sick. I learned a long time ago to rely on myself. I am a little afraid living where I do now, there is still plenty of horrible gossip about me. I feel very nervous and rarely go out. I admit that I am very afraid living in this country because of men and the law's attitude toward women here. Women do not own their own bodies here, the government and whatever man comes along own them. Rape is Constitutionally legal. Only 15 States have anti-rape laws in their state constitutions and there is little hope for women attacked out of their home-state. It is the biggest problem I have living in this country. If you can call a girl or a woman a slut or a whore then it seems that you have a license to do what ever violence to her that you like - that is what I have learned from my father and from Christians. They are the authors of evil. It is right to despise them. It is right to be angry with these people. Enemies should not be treated with kindness. It is for this reason that I am anti-Christian. I try to maintain a level of tolerance since my mother and other friends are adherents of one kind or other to this faith, but quietly I should like very much to see Judeo-Christian tyranny become something we only to be read about in history books…or better yet obliterated forever.

Angela

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