I was a happy christian. There had been many many upsets within the church - doctrinal disagreements, personal disagreements - and some of these incidents were painful for me, but they were 'people problems' not 'god problems', and did not interfere with my supposed-relationship with him. As a servant of Jesus, I was extremely happy.

And it was one extremely happy day that I settled down to bible study and got a big big shock. All I had done was open my bible at Matthew chapter one and cast my eyes over verse 17: 'there were 14 generations from David to the exile....' Smiling contentedly, I just checked the OT reference - 1 Chronicles Ch 3 - and then idly checked off the names. And, of course, discovered that, according to 1 Chronicles there were far more than 14 generations from David to the exile. So Matthew 1.17 was untrue.

And - if Matthew 1.17 was untrue and could not believed/trusted, then why on earth should I believe and trust Matthew 1.18 (Jesus conceived by the Holy Spirit)???

I didn't like this thought - so, to reassure myself, I began a study of 'Old Testament references/quotations in Matthew'. I began to feel really cold inside as I realised each and every quotation was ripped out of context, or misapplied, or misquoted or otherwise, basically, a load of deception....

This was the beginning of the end of christianity. But I did not let go without a fight. I sought to find somebody who had a believable explanation for my discoveries. But I just received a heap of waffle. And, at the same time, I was discovering more and more rubbish in the bible. How did I miss it before? I was supposed to be the local 'bible expert' - the one to go to with difficulties, the one the preachers joked they were nervous about preaching in front of, lest I spotted an error in their sermons.....

But, OK, so what if the bible turned out to be unreliable? I still had my relationship with the Lord, did I not? Nobody could question that! All those 'experiences' I had had. And the spiritual gifts I had been given. I laid hands on the sick and they recovered. I spoke words of knowledge that were accurate and needed. They were all true and real and proof. Weren't they?

No they were not.

Most of the 'experiences' involved getting high in emotionally manipulative meetings. I knew how it was done, I now admitted to myself - and I had done it myself, with and without the co-operation of the instrumentalists, when I had been called upon to 'share' or lead prayer. Changes in voice pitch and tone, music rising and falling, a sudden pause, a sudden outburst - and people suddenly felt 'touched by god'.

The sick healed? Of what? A sore throat, an aching back, a tummy upset which 'could' be serious. The recipient said they had the pain; and now they said they did not. Did that make it true? Especially if they could be accused of lack of faith (or even demon possession) if they said, 'No, it hasn't changed a thing'?

Words of knowledge? So what was new? I'd always had a combination of perceptiveness and good guesswork, picking up on all sorts of little clues to what was going on in someone's mind or life. Just before I was a christian, I had phrased my perceptions/guesses as a question, 'Is it that you are worried about xxxxx?' and now I phrased it as, 'The Lord says: You are worried about xxxxx.' Wasn't a spiritual gift; it was just me.

I no longer believed the bible was true. I no longer believed my 'experiences' were anything to do with 'God'. How could this happen? I didn't want this to happen. I wanted to be a christian. I wanted to carry on with my nice, secure, happy christian life.

But I could not pretend to believe something I did not believe.

I had to leave the church.

But what now? I had only been a christian for five years or so, but christianity was my whole life. I had been fanatical. In those five years I had collected over 300 christian books, over 100 christian albums, over 100 teaching audio cassettes, lots of christian (teaching, informative, recreational) videos. My friends were all christians. My social life revolved around housegroups, prayer groups, teaching sessions, worship. I lived in a christian household. In the evenings we studied the bible, watched videos, played biblical board games, prayed, sang together. In my free time, I worked through study books, I designed tracts, I came up with new evangelism ideas, I ran a christian lending library, and I was a counsellor...... Take all that away, and what on earth shall I do with my life?

Of course, I found new interests, and picked up old ones. But it was a very silent life - I missed christian music, badly. In comparison, secular music seemed so depressing. Even now, five years later, I play very few albums, whereas I used to have music playing constantly. I missed reading too. There cannot be any other subject upon which one can buy or borrow new books continuously, continuously, and not exhaust the supply. Old christian friends tried to stay friendly with me for a time, but one by one, either in exasperation or fear or something else, they all stopped calling. And, on top of all that, I no longer had the reassurance that there was a god looking after me. So many times, maybe hearing a noise in the night, maybe having to walk an isolated road home at midnight, maybe finding myself being driven in a car by a seeming lunatic, I could just say, 'Father, please look after me,' and then drop any worries, secure in the 'knowledge' that he was protecting me. But now, I was on my own. Responsible for my own safety. Responsible for my own decisions too. And I did not like that. I could get it all wrong, I could lead myself into disaster. At times, I felt I had lost a lot.....

But I couldn't live a lie, just for the sake of company, reading matter, music, and a good Sunday sing-song.....

I couldn't believe in the heavenly protection bit anymore.

Five years on, and it seems ridiculous now that I ever believed christianity at all. Five years on, and I'm so glad to be out of it. I had been happy as a christian, yes, but it was, I see now, happiness maintained by a lot of denial: denial of myself and who I am; denial of the nastiness going on around me; denial of the true characters of some preachers and leaders and even people I called my friends. And denial of reality - healings were not really happening; speaking in tongues is not real language (and yes, I can still do it - I could do it before I was a christian, anyway - as a child, my friends and I used to do it frequently, pretending we were 'foreign'); those prophecies were not prophecies - and we most definitely were not loving each other, or all one family, or anything else.....

But the bottom line is: christianity is not true. If there was the slightest chance it was, I never would have left it. At the time, I certainly did not want to.

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