I was born into a pentecostal family. My parents are deaf and met at a church where there was a deaf ministry. My father was raised in the religon, but stopped going at 18 until he was 21 because he had no interpreter at his church, which had upset his strict parents. My mother was raised in a normal Catholic family,whom never went to church and partied. My father and mother married and stayed in the church. My father was a van driver for Sunday school kids and deaf people, he also taught Sunday school.

I never had any concerns about the church when I was a child, I lived for Sunday school and even to this day I remember some of the good times. Yet I was always afraid of doing things wrong and God was watching me he was going to punish me worse than my father did. I remember a few times my parents would go to the store and leave me and my brother at home I was 12, they would be gone for a little more than an hour and I would peer out the window crying and saying a prayer, because I thought the rapture took place and God took them but not me and Phil, cause I was bad. I would run to the church phone book and begin to call the pastor and anyone else I knew by name, just so I knew I was ok. Now I look back on that and in some way I'm furious that a child can become taught to be afraid of something that is not scientificaly proven to happen and be filled with intense fear. Shaking, crying, almost to an emotional breakdown all because Mom and Dad went to the store. I remember times where I wanted to go to the local pool with friends and I couldn't because I couldn't see a womans' body, yet I saw it no matter what and I was a kid in the 80's kids then really didn't think much about stuff like that and that hurt me I couldn't listen to the radio, watch much t.v., play video games, go to the movies. Yes I would get upset, but you have to realise I wanted to please God cause I didn't want to go to hell.

I remeber my first church camp it was about 3 hrs from home and I was 9 years old. It was a week long, in the morning we ate and went to about 2 hours of bible teaching, then lunch, then back to church for variety with Jesus and more teaching then we had softball tounaments and dinner then night service and maybe an hour of hangout free time before bed. I had a friend Lynnette from church her father was a minister for the deaf and I wanted to be with her, because I was shy, but I couldn't sit with her in church, because boys on 1 side girls on the other. That week was when I got my expierence. The Pentecostals believe in speaking in tounges Acts 2:38 Then Peter said unto them "repent and be baptised everyone of you for the remission of sins and you shall recieve the gift of the Holy Ghost." Man I wanted that bad cause they believed it was a part of salvation without it you were going to Hell, and boy I had to have it! I ran to the alter every service crying like a sick child, begging and screaming "God I love you I don't want to go to Hell, please give me the Holy Ghost", yet when I left the service without it I was scared to fall asleep, what if he came like a thief in the night I thought and almost all the guys would be gone, how would I get home. I never really had bad dreams they just knew how to scare and brainwash theyre young at such early ages. Well guess what that last nite I spoke in tounges. Is it real you ask? Well it felt real it didn't come from me and I felt a weight lift off me and a more closeness to God, but I think most of it was relief. I can't say that its some sort of evil thing cause I've walked into places and felt a dark force so I can somewhat discern the 2 feelings. It was a good spirit and I believe it can happen, but I don't believe that everyone will get that expierence and you won't go to "Hell" if you don't. If you would like to ask me about it I will be happy to explain it, but if you are gonna go off on me don't bother cause like I said I was forced to live this way throuhout my childhood I was drilled with fear yet I was given a gift that is more than words and if your so curious find out yourself. So when I got home I was baptised (dunk in the water).

At about 13 I started to get my way of thinking, my parents had trouble with me I had what a Dr. would have diagnosed me with mood swings, depression, and a very low self esteem. But they never took me to a Dr. they took me to the pastor or youth leader. I regret that. I remeber listening to a christian band called Petra & Stryper and the pastor enforced my parents to throw the tapes away even though they were christian they weren't Pentecostal and that wasn't God they were called wolfs in sheeps clothing. (As usual one church ridiculing another). Yet I managed to talk my parents out of it even if they had long hair and looked so disgraceful, it was my refuge and my happiness and my parents wanted me to be happy.

At 15 I was tired of going to church, when my father forced me to wake up I would leave when he told me to go to Friday nite youth service I went but stayed outside smoking and listening to Dead Milkmen or Slayer and skateboarding. Damn I pissed the church off. I eventually would get dragged to the alter and had preachers try to cast demons out of me, but just to make people leave me alone I would fake speaking in tounges and act good, when I was really doing the opposite I guess I was a hypocrite. This went on for a while until I stopped going for a few years.

At 18 my senior year in high school I was failing I was actually on the border line of Jr and Sr. I was heavily into LSD, pot, alcohol, and Cocaine. I went to church one Sunday night and went to the alter on my own and gave up. I got good grades and graduated in 1992 the year I was supposed to. But my social life in church was bad I left all my friends on the outside never talking to them and the young people in church never really talked to me or hung out because of my past thier parents felt I was not true to God. So I was alone and I accepted it cause I felt I made the right choice.

I wanted to go to a regular college for writing, but I blew my savings on 1/2 sem. of Bible College I wanted to save the world! My depression was coming back and again I didn't go to the Dr. I worked at the church day care as an assistant I watched 6-12 year olds from 2:30 till the last kid left. I love kids and I would play with them while the other assistants sat and monitored the other kids. Well one day I went into work and my boss which went to the same church took me in her office and said "Jeff we have been getting some complaints from parents, that when they come to pick up thier children they see some little girls sitting on your lap, or you playing a little to ruff with them, could you please try to change the situation. I know that you go to this church I know you are a good person and I know you wouldn't hurt the kids." I asked if any of the church parents were complaining she said no it was those who didn't know me. I understood totally how often do you see a guy at a day care and what would you think if you saw him. I reluctantly quit I didn't have to, but I said it would keep the parents minds clear and not cause any problems.

I remeber picking up my check and the kids running up to me from thier snacks and gathering around me asking thier questions, so I sat them down and told them I've found another job, but I'll always remember each and everyone of you be good. And gave them some candy. That was the best job I had I'm suprised at 27 I still have no kids.

Shortly after that I quit the college, when 1 day in class a teacher said the world is full of heathens and they are out to steal your soul. I stood up and said "Excuse me, but I have more friends who don't go to church than I do here or at my own church, everyone is afraid of me like I have something to prove and when I need a friend all I get is a nose in the air, if this is christanity I don't want it no more. Sure my friends out there may be to much for you to handle and may not live like you do, but they care and they listen and they give me a pot to piss in." And I left.

I've gone back a few times to the church to visit, but its the same old shit try to drag me and force thier way of life on me and I tell them NO, I wasn't happy then I won't go through that ever again.

It has taken me a long time to build up some confidence and self esteem and to even unbrainwash my mind. If you are Pentecostal or even religously in a church, its ok to believe in God but get out of the house they will lie steal and cheat you and tear down your walls and leave you empty inside hurting and crying looking for your faults that are not there. Don't be decieved think for yourself don't put your children through such fear and pesonal trauma.

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