Well, this is my story.

I was born in the late 70s to an upper-middle class Catholic family. My parents (especially my mother) are pretty laissez-faire as Catholics go, but they did have my brother and me baptized as babies. Obviously, this was an official induction into something I had no idea of and could not consent to. I was later sent to an Episopalian preschool (although I do not remember it being religious) and a Catholic elementary school.

At Catholic school, I pretty much blindly accepted all that was taught me in the lower grades. I believed in 'God.' I believed in 'Heaven' and thought it was in the clouds. I even remember sending a letter to my dead grandfather in heaven once. I thought the whole world was Catholic. Prayer and religious activity was pretty much rote memorization for me. We had Spelling, Math and Religion class. Religion just seemed like a regular, normal subject in school. Daily Mass practice and whole-school Mass on Fridays just seemed routine. I loved to sing, so that part was always fun. I was even in the choir that sang at First Communions for a while.

I enjoyed my First Communion myself (especially the fun activities involving butterflies). Those butterflies were supposed to represent becoming anew in Christ. I think I knew that, but it wasn't something spiritual for me. The whole ritual was just something I knew was big. I was doing it because it was an important event and everyone did it. It was supposed to be a good thing, and I thought it was. I was only 7 years old, too young to understand any of it.

I enjoyed school for the most part, although I had terrible problems with bullies in fourth and fifth grade, and the teachers and principal could not (and in some cases would not) help me. I was pretty much the class outcast, which affected me in several ways. I don't think this affected my religious beliefs however.

The first hint I had of discontent with religion was in the 4th grade. We were supposed to make our first Confession to a priest. I was 9 at the time and very upset about it. I did not think it was any of the priest's business what I had done wrong. I figured that if I were going to confess to anyone, it would be to 'God,' not to some guy. If my other classmates were entertaining similar heretical thoughts, they didn't let on.

I remember class discussions 'preparing' us for the event, and some people talked about being afraid. I was not only afraid. I was angry that I was being forced to do this! Of course, I was shy and quiet and did not speak up. When my turn came on 'the big day' I went in the confessional. It was not as bad as I had thought, but I vowed never to do it again. When the class made their confessions en-masse, I would try to move unnoticed to the end of the line and hoped no one would notice what I was doing. Once, someone did, but I made it through that year and the next only having to do confession one or two more times.

Also in fourth grade, we studied the California Missions, and I remember learning about evangelism for the first time. I thought it was bad that the priests had come in and forced the Indians to give up their religion. When it was my turn to write a story for my Mission Report, I wrote a story from the point of view of an Indian girl and mentioned that one of the bad things about the Mission was that I had to "worship a new spirit called Christ."

What was missing from this Catholic school experience was a sense of 'God' or the spiritual. Sure, I prayed every morning during line-up, during Religion class, at Mass, etc, but they were all memorized prayers. I didn't really know what they meant, and I certainly didn't think about them. If my classmates were any indication, I don't think they did either. Not once do I remember my classmates talking about anything vaguely religious. We were just children, and God (although assumed to exist) did not seem to occupy anyone's thoughts.

Although school was religious, home was not. My family did not act in a religious manner at home, and I never remember saying bedtime prayers or grace before meals. We had some children's Bibles I enjoyed reading occasionally, but aside from that, it was pretty secular. However, my family did go to Mass frequently on Sundays, especially when I was still young. During Mass, I offered up generic prayers for the sick, etc. but any real connection with 'God" was not present. It was just all rote for me. Mostly, my brother and I brought small toys and played in the pews. We were bored. I liked the singing, but the rest of it was over my head.

After fifth grade, I was sent to secular private schools and 'God' ceased to be a big presence in my life. My family changed churches (due to the harassment problems) and still went to Mass frequently on Sundays and holidays, but it was significantly less involvement. During those years, I developed (on my own) a liberal political view. I also became interested in other religions and talked about it with some of my friends. I think during those years I lost my sense of Catholicism being the only religion. I still considered myself Catholic which was apparent when I went to a Mormon camp with a friend of mine. I remember her telling me about her religion. I thought it was strange and thought mine was still best.

Although it was a fun, positive experience, the strangeness of that camp pushed me to become more Catholic. For a while, I had a small shrine (with a rosary and Bible) in my room and made sure I prayed every night before bed. I wore my cross often during my teens as well as religious medals. This was an odd, semi-religious phase, and I can't really remember, but it may have lasted most of my teens. However, I think it was more for show or approval (from 'God?') than anything else. I was no holy-roller. Most of my life was secular, and I was pretty skeptical about many things and disagreed with the Catholic church on most social issues. I don't think I was questioning 'God' or an afterlife yet, but I was on my way.

When I was 14, I discovered the Internet. With the Internet, came my exposure to fundamentalist Christianity. I chatted in their chat rooms and learned that they hated Catholics and considered them 'lost.' That was a new one for me. Again, I had thought that the whole world was Catholic as a kid! I thought of myself as a Christian but didn't feel anything in common with them. I felt more in touch with the Pagans and other nonbelievers who visited the rooms than I did with those professing to be Christians. I was also arguing issues like gay rights and others which they were opposed to. I wondered how they could be bigoted and prejudiced.

I think I may have started really questioning religion during my teens, even while I was still into my semi-religious phase. I remember wearing crosses and religious medals long after they had personal significance for me. I recall thinking it wasn't necessary to believe in it to wear it. I don't recall the moment I became an atheist. It was a very gradual evolution. I called myself a lapsed Catholic or a non-practicing Catholic for a while. Then I identified as agnostic. In my first few years of college, I remember thinking that it was sort of sad that one of my atheist professors did not believe in an afterlife. I think I wondered how he felt if he believed this is all there is. At this point, I was sort of the warm-fuzzy variety of weak theist that believed all good people went to 'Heaven.'

Ironically, I think it was after my cat died when I was 20 that I became an atheist. I had long held out hope for some sort of 'God' or afterlife, but coming face-to-face with death as an adult just left me with a sense that there wasn't anything more. Further deaths (of humans) in the next few years made me feel the same way. At this point, I was calling myself an agnostic (although I chose to go to a Catholic college) and pretty much avoided anything religious. I think it was in 1999 when I discovered alt.atheism that I realized I was really an atheist.

Over the years I have become significantly more atheist, yet I still have moments of doubt. For a few years, I wavered back and forth between belief and nonbelief. It was never very dramatic, but it was there. I've been in an atheistic mode for the past 5 years or so. I think I am an atheist. At first, I was just sort of saying it to fit into the newsgroup, but then I came to believe it. I certainly don't feel anything spiritual, but at times I think perhaps there could be a god or afterlife. Part of me hopes there is an afterlife. I don't see evidence for it, though, so I do believe I am an atheist. If this sounds wishy-washy to some, I apologize, but it is the way I feel.

Regardless, none of me is a Christian anymore, so I am respectfully submitting this long story for your list.

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