I've wanted to write one of these stories for a long time. I think it is wiser I am proceeding with a bit of hindsight. Well, I attended Christian schools my whole life and in young adolescence really became vigorously devout. I considered myself an intellectual, and though i had never looked into it, I knew that Christianity could stand up to any criticism brought against it. After a bad breakup (my very first eye-opening experience) I simply put God and religion on hold. I know that when Christians see a member of their faith leave they want to pin it on some tragedy that caused it, thereby making themselves feel better. This was not that, but it was a kind of shock therapy, resetting my whole mindset on myself and on life. I told my parents I no longer would be attending church, but not to worry. I believed in God, but I suddenly realized that I didn't believe anything the pastor was saying. I was against "organized religion." It was like the phrase "love the band, hate the fans".

Of course, this was the first step. I had opened my mind to the possibilty that there was a God that perhaps Christianity hadn't been able to shove into a book. I was drawn to a bookstore where I investigated the Buddhism section. I attempted to be a Buddhist for perhaps a month, which sounds very much like a teenager phase thing to do (and of course it was.) Despite the short duration of my contact with the Buddhist religion, I found it fascinating and I came out of it partly deciding that it was too good for me really, too deep a discipline. I still admire the Buddhists greatly, and while I think they are mistaken in many respects, I believe they get the prize for the best religion due to compassion, lifestyle, results, etc.

Now, we come to the Internet. Somehow, I stumbled onto an amazon.com listing for "The Christ Conspiracy", a book espousing that Christ never lived. I read the sample passage which was so intriguing ("there's actually some evidence for this maybe?") that I bought the book. Merits of the book or its theories aside, the introduction was simply a scathing summary of Christianity's evils across history. After only a few pages, I sat close to tears in the bookstore, clenching my fist and so angry. It was as if I was already an atheist without having yet read all the arguments and mass of evidence. Somehow it was like I knew it really was there, and coming. And i was ANGRY.

I drove, crying, to my friend who was at work, and poured out my story, sobbing unintelligible things about it all being so false, how come they deceived me, I felt so stupid and angry and hurt. Perhaps I should try to condense this story a bit. Atheism: The Case Against God is and was an invaluable book that made me a true atheist and took away all my doubts. From there, I took my hurt to the internet like so many of us, scouring the secular web and religious recovery sites. I picked email fights with Christians (which won't get you anywhere.) Meanwhile, I was battling constantly with my parents. That was a very hard time for me with them. Things have evened out in the last two or so years so that now we just don't discuss it. Early on, I thought I could convert them. The evidence was so strong, I just didn't understand why they wouldn't listen...

From reading others' stories, my hindsight impression is of the importance of the internet for fellowship with others when we feel so alone. My friends, my parents, everyone's a Christian, but wait! The internet provides a world of people who sympathize, whose very stories support us as we go through the same thing. We all felt so angry, but eventually that sort of drops a bit. There's too much life out there to live in the bitter events of our past, but I am lucky to have found out at a young age.

The front of a tee-shirt from a Kentucky Youth Freethought group: "Smile! There's no hell!"

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