Once upon a time, I was a rabid, dyed-in-the-wool Southern Baptist. I went door to door 'witnessing' for Christ. I handed out pamphlets and tracts. I left them with tips at restaurants. I destroyed all my explicitly non-Christian music, and read mostly only books by Christian authors like Max Lucado. I spoke in terms of apocalypse, and used to daydream over where I'd be when the trumpets sounded. Most of all, I credited God with everything good in my life, and attributed anything bad to Satan, or my own shortcomings as a Christian. I taught preschool choir, worked at vacation Bible schools, and served as the church librarian for a time.

Then I went to college.

I entered a prestigious women's college with the intention of studying to become a religious civil rights attorney -- fighting to establish the re-introduction of religion into society, the school system, etc. What I didn't count on was that an academic study of the Bible would eventually show me that almost everything I'd been taught was at best, selective, and at worst, a lie. Mary wasn't, in fact, a virgin -- the Church had long ago warped the translation to make it seem that way, when it really only meant 'young girl.' That was the tip of the iceberg. When, in a course on ancient near-eastern religions, I realized that the Sumerians shared many of the same stories as the Bible, I eventually came to the conclusion that I could no longer believe the Bible, and certainly not the way I'd been taught.

Even when I was still indoctrinated by the church, I had a dislike for the way the Southern Baptists treated women. We were fine for keeping the nursery, or cooking suppers. But the church repeatedly denied women the ability to serve as deacons, or church officials, even when other Protestant denominations went so far as to allow women ministers. Even then, I refused to vote, always writing my protest on my ballot. How archaic, that we were allowed to vote, but couldn't ourselves run!

Now, I find these policies even more abhorrent. The church as an organization exists on its capacity to encourage its congregation to be dependent on someone other than themselves. To ignore self reliance. To not take responsibility for their lives, and pride themselves on their own accomplishments. I see this as the greatest evil. The church's rhetoric encourages people to attribute all good fruits of their own effort, and labor, to god. To take no credit for themselves, and instead thank god for his mercies and kindnesses. By producing such a spineless group of people, who are, in essence, no more than addicts, they keep themselves in business. And worse yet -- they pressure people to tithe, with the implication that you aren't a good Christian, if you don't. And where does the money go? To pay the salaries of people who devote their lives to cultivating more unawakened sheep.

Even the American transcendentalists believed that there was a spark of the divine in every human being, and that therefore, in some small way, we were all gods, and all able to rely on our own instincts. Later, when I began to read Ayn Rand, I realized that the denial of self is one of the greatest crimes a human can commit. It's not shameful, but essential, to take credit for your achievements. To believe in yourself above all is the one truth.

Now, I find that I can't believe in any god. It goes against logic, and is tantamount to finding a dollar in your yard and saying that, because you don't know where it came from, Bill Gates must have dropped it. As a spirituality, Christianity has merits. It sometimes saddens me when I need something to comfort me, and remember that I once had my faith, but in the end I always profit from my independence. As a denomination, however, the Southern Baptist church has reached a pinnacle of sadism and virulence.

My only regret is that people still indoctrinated by the church can't see it. Arguments with them prove fruitless, because their faith isn't based on logic or empirical evidence. Therefore, you can't even have a sensible discussion with them. But life is -so- much more real, and fulfilling, when you live it for yourself, and not some imaginary, unseen patriarch.

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