i was raised in a liberal Christian background. my mother was a loose Buddhist (e.g. she's not vegetarian, but accepts karma) and my father is a christian, but doesn't kiss the xian god's ass 24 hours a day, and 7 days a week routine. he's more an agnostic, i think...

anyway, i used to pray to god regularly when i was around 9 upwards; more so during the time when both my grandads passed away, because i felt so sad and lonely. and then around my early teens, i was "indoctrinated" into xianity by the stupid school teachers, i thought it would please god for us to praise his (unworthy and dog-like) name through singing and re-telling all the usual nonsense that comes with xian propaganda.

then around the time of my attending at secondary school, i wanted to find a meaning in life, so i read the bible of my own accord; then the rabid thoughts started - thoughts about burning in hell for ever, and all that crap. it didn't help one bit that i had OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder), which combined with xianity, made my life UNBEARABLE. i felt an urge to switch on lights about 6 times after i'd just left my room at night, because i know it sounds odd, but i thought that if i didnt press it so many times, i could burn in hell... ROFLMAO. how SAD is that? you hear all the shit about fundies saying non believers are influenced by demons to make them act oddly, or not believe. yet when i tried so hard to appease the big, invisible Asshole in the sky, all he did to me was destroy my soul, wellbeing and happiness. so much for xianity being fulfilling, i figure the only reason i actually believed in god's lapdog and the big ass in the sky was because of my inability to accept responsibilty for my actions, you know, the devil. and i wanted to feel special, ah yes, a saved person! and watch all that i have ever cared about, or known, or unaware of, burn in hell, how stupifying!

many factors influenced my decisions to leave, or find another thing to explore my life/myself. one of the most important ones was when i thought i was "saved", and began to despair for my mum, and my other non xian friends, family and relatives, i wondered what would god do to me if i asked Him (yes, THAT big, butch bastard who hates women and children, sanctions slavery and genocide, the list goes on!)... why do they have to go to hell, they were good people. and i usually got upset and angry because i wanted them to be saved as well. that sounds so selfish to my ears, and i detest the fact that even today, people are NEVER told about how the almighty god/jesus is nothing more than a controlling tool to make people feel like sh**.

then i started looking at the more "eccentric" spiritual things (grins), since i had always had an interest in the occultic stuff, and myths and legends. i had serious doubts when embarking on wicca, devil worship and supstitious nonsense, as well as fantasies all whispered to me. its necessary to have skepticism, otherwise you can be like those dumbass fundamentalists.

when i called out to the Goddess and the God (though i thought i was just fantasising to myself, i held a lot of skepticism and fear about Wicca), i felt an overwhelming happiness as though everything made sense, i felt a warm, tingling sensation in my chest and i felt as though someone heard me and was looking watching over me (no, not perving on me, but in a protective, loving manner), and i felt so happy i thought it could last for eternity. i just felt like praising the Lady's name over and over and singing, but i didnt get pushy about it (e.g. like saying, there is a goddess and a god out there, they love you., get down on your knees and beg for mercy") hehehe.

i honour Kali Ma now and Shiva, and i know the Gods love me truly like all their creations, and i feel inner calm and tolerance when the Goddess and God are with me.

blessings to everyone,

twilight grrl

(plus, i feel so much happier, and spiritually fulfilled since i began my path in Wicca)

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