I used to look at people like me and laugh under my breath, mutter something about their eventual stay in Hell, and scoff at them. I was the worst kind of Christian. I didn't give a shit about god, the church, spirituality, or even other people. Christianity was a crutch for me, a way of making myself better than other people, at least in my mind. What it really made me was a bastard, an intolerable presence, but that didn't matter to me because I was so certain about my faith, so certain about my "salvation. I looked past the things that mattered most in my life and into the world of dietary laws, ceremony, and regulations.

I became a Christian at Christian school when I was eight or so years old. I didn't know what I was getting into. I didn't know the warped base Christianity is, or how I would use that warped base to transform myself into a person without friends. I was too young to be held liable if I shot someone, yet the head of the school thought I was capable of deciding what god I would serve for the rest of my life. I wanted people to like me. I thought being a Christian would be cool. I did not understand the implications of the decision I was making. I did not know how warped my life would become.

This is how Christianity works and survives:

1. Christianity is based on a system of guilt and repression. This system is called "sin." Under the burden of sin, I was constantly doing bad things. It's not like I was really doing bad things, these things were things that were in my nature to do. Things like thinking bad thoughts about my parents when they punished me, or thinking sexual thoughts are classified as sins under the Christian system. And according to that same Christian system, I was not responsible for those thoughts because the devil was planting them in my mind! Yet somehow, I was supposed to feel guilty for them and confess and do penance for something they said I had no control over. I was constantly in fear of sinning. I was told that Jesus bears the burden of my sins, meaning every thing that I did (which I had no control over) was causing pain to this man who was "saving" me. Can you see why I would feel doubly guilty?
2. Christianity survives based on the idea that god will come in your lifetime. Very few churches teach that the "rapture" and "end times" are far in the future. This has been the doctrine for over two thousand years! Scholars study the scriptures and see the events foretold in "Revelations" occurring right now. With the people believing god will be here soon, there is a sense of urgency that would not be there if he would arrive in the distant future. This keeps people listing god as an immediate priority, whereas normally he would be put farther down the list. It's the "Jesus is coming, look busy." Syndrome.
3. Christianity supports a patriarchal society. Throughout the near and far history of the Christian church, it has supported the superiority of men at the expense of women. If you doubt me, look at the bible. All 12 disciples were men. The first woman committed the first sin. The main female character in the Old Testament was best known for her ability to seduce her husband. In fact, she is the only woman with her own book in the Bible, and it chronicles her attempt to do just that. If the main document of the Christian faith undermines women's roles, you would suspect that the Church would have a similar view. It has. Up until recently, women could not become ministers. Women had no rights in early colonial America, which was made up entirely of Christians. That's not even mentioning the Inquisition, which specifically targeted women to debase.
4. Christianity is not actually based on the teachings of Jesus. Jesus the man was respectful of women, saving the life of an adulterous woman. He taught a doctrine of love, the end of restrictive dietary laws, forgiveness. He ended the financial burden of buying animals to be slaughtered in the name of god. The religion based in his name violated the principles of his teachings. Instead of the cost of sacrificial animals, the church required "indulgences" and now tithing. Now instead of dietary laws, we have laws regarding what should and should not be thought.
5. Christianity takes much of its basis from pagan myth. Christian holidays are centered around days celebrated as holy by pagan faiths. Pagan Yule became the Christians' Christmas. Beltane became Easter.
6. Christianity views itself as better than all other religions. Even the term "god" is special when referring to their deity. It is capitalized. Personal pronouns get the same treatment. This may be annoying to people like me who like to type fast, but the real harm is not in the wording, but in the attitude it is indicative of. Unjust kings ruled under "divine right" and any person challenging that authority was challenging god, and therefore committing sin. It was an efficient was of keeping the populous under control. Christianity is famous for its many atrocities committed in the name of converting followers. There is no need to go into specific cases. Think of the Spanish conquistadors, the "Holy Roman Empire", and once again, the inquisition.

When I converted to Christianity, I was buying into this whole system, and I didn't even know it, but that's another important part of Christianity - it thrives on ignorance.

When I began discovering the workings of Christianity, I saw a way for me to manipulate others and justify my superiority. I studied the bible the way a tax lawyer studies the tax code: looking for loopholes and ways to get around the spirit of the law. I became the most proficient bible scholar I know. I still know the ins and outs of the bible better than anyone else I know. This study drove a wedge between me and the people I cared about. I pushed people away because I did not want to be tainted by their impurities. I lived a lonely life. In my loneliness, I injured myself to alleviate the pain. My life raced out of control. Because I was impossible to deal with and my family misunderstood my self-mutilation, I was sent to "boarding school" in Utah.

There I was housed with a variety of people, including a bisexual, Satanic roommate. Her religion shocked me deeply, and I did not understand her at first. We talked for a long while, discussing religion and why we believe what we did. We were both fighting against the school, so we saw ourselves on the same side. She became a strong influence in my life. I started to question my religion and my sexuality. (Thank you, Nicky.) When she left, I paired myself up with a pagan girl who finally got me to accept that Christianity was not a religion for me, it was a crutch. (Thank you, Parigi.) I decided that I would give up all religion and starting with nothing, I would follow what my heart said and compile a list of beliefs. Once the list started getting somewhat long, I started seeing how well my religion fitted into the pagan world-frame. I took up Pagan as the name of what I believe, and since I do not follow any one specific path, I call myself eclectic. All that matters now is that I

May the Goddess bless you, and may you know truth!

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