What a long, strange trip it's been. Yes, indeed. Ten years ago I would never have guessed that today I'd be an atheist. (I remember a time when I saw a book about atheism in a book store and refused to pick it up because I thought it was evil.)

I'm writing this testimony for one reason and one reason only--you, the reader. I reached a very low point in my life when I became convinced that Christianity was untrue. I credit the testimonies on this site with repairing my mental health. I naively believed I was the only person who had gone from being a devout believer to an atheist. Reading the testimonies on this site was very comforting because I realized that I was not alone in my grief. Sometimes that is the best remedy when you're going through a trying time. (Whenever you are going through something terrible in your life I strongly suggest you seek out people that have gone through precisely the same thing.)

So I write this story for you. I write it to let you know that you're not alone. I write it to let you know that your experience is not unique. Many other people have gone through exactly what you have. (I may not be one of them but I assure you there is someone like you and they may be on this site.) Most importantly, I write it to let you know that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I was raised in the Presbyterian church. I was expected to attend church every Sunday until I was about 19. Even when I went off to college I was still expected to attend church whenever I came home. Some time around the age of 19 though my parents told me it was up to me whether I wanted to go to church. Throughout my years in the church I had no bad experiences and was treated well by everyone. I however stopped attending church sometime after my sophomore year of college primarily because I hated getting up early in the morning.

I did not begin to earnestly study the bible until after I graduated college in 1994. I was looking for some direction in my life and I thought "what better place to look than the bible?" I began to read it, concentrating mostly on the New Testament. Soon I began to read countless books on the New Testament. (At one point I became convinced that the only way to truly be Christian and to live by Jesus's teaching was to become Amish.) I became frustrated with all of the differing opinions. It seemed there was no consensus. Eventually I asked myself why I even bothered to read the opinions of others. "Why not just decide for yourself what you think about the bible?" I was just reading the opinion of other humans. Did they know any better than me? Couldn't I decide for myself? After all, the people whose books I was reading had decided for themselves. Why couldn't I?

I decided to sit down and read the bible myself without the aid of any other books. I decided to start at the very beginning of the bible, read every single word and read it from cover to cover. Little did I know then that I had just stepped on the road to atheism. (I think the single, greatest thing any atheist today can do is encourage Christians to read the entire bible cover to cover, not missing a single word.)

I took notes on what I read. I quoted passages. I wrote my thoughts on particular passages or events in the bible. I wrote down whatever questions or problems that I had with it. I filled several notebooks.

Soon I became very disgusted with the bible. The nature of the bible god in particular disgusted me immensely. The behavior of the ancient Israelites disgusted me as well. Soon afterward I became disgusted with the fact that the bible is still believed by millions of people.

What disgusted me so much was the slaughtering of women and children in the Old Testament. This is the primary reason I no longer believe the bible. There is no proper justification for the slaughter of those people. I've heard them all. They are all pathetic excuses. It makes me extremely angry that people even try to defend it. It enrages me tremendously and I cannot discuss it with anyone who disagrees. I'm getting angry right now as I write this. (When I was in between atheism and Christianity I seriously entertained the idea of organizing an event in remembrance of all the people that were slaughtered by the ancient Israelites. My motive was spite more than anything else but today I think it would be an almost hopeless effort. Nobody except us godless heathens gives a shit about the people that were slaughtered by the Israelites.)

The bible god, whom I now view as nothing more than a literary character, sanctioned these killings. The ancient Israelites were never reprimanded for them. They were ordered by the bible god to wipe out the people living in the holy land. (It is usually only fundamentalist Christians that will admit all of this. If there is one thing I can credit fundamentalist Christians for it is that they at least know their bible. It is the more liberal Christians who try to deny what the bible says about this matter.)

I knew in my heart what I thought about these slaughters of women and children but I did not yet have the courage to actually embrace what I believed. It is hard to do that when you're raised from childhood to believe in an all-powerful god and are convinced that the bible is his word.

All of that changed when I came across a book by Thomas Paine entitled "The Age of Reason." (That book and the testimonies on this site are what kept me sane at perhaps the lowest point in my life.) Thomas Paine was a truly amazing human being. I'm sure you know that he wrote Common Sense, the pamphlet that stoked the fire of revolution in colonial America. He also wrote a lot about religion. Much of it resulted in him being shunned by his own friends.

I read Paine's Age of Reason and it was as if I was reading my own notebooks on the bible. I instantly felt an affinity for this man who lived two hundred years before me. Knowing that someone as intelligent and influential as Paine shared my feelings about the bible gave me the courage to finally embrace my own convictions. (In addition to reading the bible cover to cover I always recommend that Christians read Paine's book.)

Dismissing the bible god still leaves open the possibility of believing in another god but I have dismissed that as well. My reasons are numerous and probably not worth repeating here. (I'm aware Paine was a deist but I don't share his conviction. I doubt he'd be a deist if he were alive today.)

What I have not yet done is shared with you what an emotional upheaval I went through as I journeyed out of Christianity. I met with the pastor of my parent's church. I met with psychologists and psychiatrists. I was actually involuntarily admitted to a mental hospital for two days. (If you really want to encounter some intense Jesus freaks talk to patients at a mental hospital.) Even though I no longer believed in Christianity, I would go to a Catholic church when nobody else was there and light a candle for myself. I felt dead inside and saw no hope.

Then I came across this site. I began to breathe easily again. I didn't feel alone and I saw that other people had gone exactly what I was going through and turned out fine. Some of them were even laughing about the whole experience.

What I really needed more than anything was a new worldview and reading the testimonies helped me begin to develop one. But it is still not complete. It never will be. Because some questions can't be answered. There are some questions we just don't have the answers to yet. And I'm fine with that. It terrifies me but it's also strangely comforting. How did life began? We don't know yet. How was the universe created? We don't know yet. We don't know but we're all here together. We're all together on this little blue and green ball drifting in space.

I look at life differently now. The picture is not as rosy as it used to be but it is a dozen times more fascinating. Life deeply intrigues me now. (And now I'm no longer under the impression that my life is eternal so it is even more precious.) I now realize how much we don't know. That is one of the many bad things about religion. It acts as if it has definitive answers to questions, some of which have no answers. If anything, religion makes life less fascinating, less awe-inspiring, in a word--boring.

I find it increasingly difficult to associate with people that aren't atheist or agnostic. I long for people that look at life the way I do. When I'm with people that embrace a different view of life I feel alone. If they don't look at life as I do then they are not truly here with me. They are somewhere else. Their body is here but their mind is elsewhere.

One of the most depressing things is that my parents and sister are still very devout, my sister in particular. She and my brother in law are hardcore fundamentalists. They believe the Earth is only 6000 years old and take the bible very literally. I cannot relate to my sister. We will never be able to relate to one another on a deep level and that upsets me. It's as if she's already passed away.

I could continue and fill pages with my story of leaving Christianity but I think this will suffice. If you have any questions or just want to talk feel free to email me. But not if you're going to try and convert me.

Details