I was raised Catholic by a Catholic father and a Lutheran mother. I married a Lutheran, and we attended the Lutheran church for 26 years. I also attended a Pentecostal and a United church while we we living in a small, isolated town (no Lutheran church available). Church was a big part of my life, although I sometimes got the feeling that I was faking it - that these beliefs I was professing did not go much below the surface, or were a type of wishful thinking.

It took mid-life as well as a family crisis to shake me awake. The crisis took the form of my son being seriously injured and requiring an extended period of rehabilitation. He is left with permanent disabilities. The insistence of some of our Christian friends that God would "heal" him only added to our pain. What seemed even worse was that these people were often simply unable to grieve with us, although simple human compassion was what we needed most - not easy, quick platitudes, or false promises. It seemed to me that their faith made them unable to accept that some things in life a) just happen - there is no "reason", and b) cannot be changed.

During this time, I turned to the church for comfort and began reading the Bible, planning to read it from beginning to end. What an eye-opener! The God of the Bible is not one I would choose to worship. It seemed apparent to me that the Bible is a collection of folk tales, mythology, history and poetry written and edited by human beings. What foolishness to try to interpret it as the infallible "Word of God". When I realized this about the Bible, the door was open to question everything.

Although this has been unsettling for me, I feel a sense of exhiliration. I can open my eyes and see the world and the people in it as they really are (as much as possible). I can be much more tolerant of people and life in general, even though I am less tolerant of swallowing dogma and indoctrination. I don't know whether there is a God. I know the world is a beautiful, terrifying place. I believe I must cherish the time I am here and the people I have the privilege to love. I know that there will be sorrow, and that no religion can save me from that. I choose to be honest, to use my mind. I think that when we turn off our critical thought processes in order to believe what is unbelievable, the result affects all areas of our lives and personalities - and not in a good way!

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