I was born to parents who are born again christians. I went to sunday school and I had no problem with the church or christianity. When I reached about 11 I became interested in the feminist movement. In church they taught that women should be subordinate to men. I questioned my parents about this. They explained that women are supposed to be subordinate to men because a woman caused the fall of man to sin. I started thinking about it. I began to think that if god was all-knowing then he would have surely known that the first humans would eat the fruit of knowledge of good and evil and god would not put it there. And I thought that if god was all-powerful and if he is a loving god, he would not let the people roast in hell. Those were my first doubts about my belief. During that time, I also loved watching discovery channel and I learned about evolution. My mom and I always used to debate about this. She said that evolution is not true and that the world was created in 6 days. I asked myself why am I still going to school to learn things if I would just be forced to accept bullshit from the church. The people in church always taught about loving your neighbor but they really hate homosexuals. I couldn't stand their intolerance.

I officially became a (closet) atheist when I reached 16. I still went to church because I was forced to. I hated church because it was a waste of time. Instead of doing more productive things, people just sit there for four hours and listen to nonsense. When I was 18, I hinted at my parents that I didn't want to go to church anymore. Instead of letting me have my way, they threatened that they would not let me go to college. I had no choice but to comply. I pretended not to dislike going to church. I can't tell them that I don't believe in god anymore because they'd kick me out of the house and I have no means to support myself. It has been four months since that incident and I am still pretending to be one of them. I got very depressed since that incident. I told myself that I would hold on until I finish my studies and have the means to support myself but as of now I don't think that I could pretend for about four years. It's really hard for me because I doing things that I'm really opposed to. Since then, I always thought of killing myself or having a violent death. I want to end it all but I'm really afraid of failure. If I fail, they would subject me to more torture. They would further force their beliefs on me. I live my life now loathing every waking moment and still wishing for death. All the people in our house, except me, are fundies. I have no one to turn to. I feel that I'm all alone in this. I still haven't told anyone about this until now. I don't know how much longer I can pretend.

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