Hi. I hope you have the time to listen to my somewhat lengthy story. If not, just delete it. I'm a college student and I'm 25 years old. I was raised in the fundamentalist pentacostal charismatic churches. I am now suffering from severe mental illness, and I struggle with alcohol and pill addictions. I think that my current situation had much to do with fundamentalism, and the cult-like atmosphere I was raised in. This started in the early 1980's, a time when it was easier for cultish churches to cut people off from the world. I don't remember internet and cell phones and technology being available to keep poeple "connected" to readily available support if they were feeling isolated or depressed, so I'll just assume that this technology was not available at that point in time.

My mom was "on fire" for the holy spirit, and made us spend hours listening to the ramblings of a crazed holy-roller, who preached the inferiority of women, the evils of contraception, that people who had no faith were the only ones who needed doctors to fix their problems, that TV and radio was a sin, sexuality was wicked and shameful, and how we were all going to burn in Hell. The congregation was obsessed with the impending doom facing the human race, the apocalypse, and all of the nonsense in Revelations.They taught only a hard line draconinan Old Testament "morality" (anything BUT moral if you ask me), the teachings of Paul (a disturbed chauvinist and freudian nightmare of a man who never met Jesus, so I hear), and an expanded version of Revelation (a vague dream recorded by John of Patmos). Curiously, the teachings of this supposed Jesus were absent.

I noticed that this church was obsessed with locking themselves away from the world, and retreating into their own disturbed fantasy world, with a hateful angry God who would punish them and allow Satan to decieve them. All pleasure and fun was a sin. You were supposed to spend all your time reflecting on bigotry, self-reproach, disgust at sexuality, and the damnation of the other six-billion on earth. Females, especially, were to reflect on the fact that they were worth half of what a man was, and that their function was to be submissive broodmares for the cult. And always remember to vote Republican.

There were demons around every corner, trolls hiding in every book, homosexual agenas with an army of abortionists, lesbians, gays, witches, and liberals sent to tear our families apart and confiscate our guns and bibles. We would have two choices, be tortured to death or go to hell.Inside, I grew to hate God. I hated Church. I became so conflicted, that I didn't want to be honest and admit to myself I had doubts! I was so scared of Hell, I thought that I could lie to myself and God and act like it was OK. By the way, this is very destructive to a developing child with a genetic predisposition toward severe mental illness: paranoia, manic depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, generalized severe anxiety disorder, addiction ...... I ended up with all of these family curses! But like I said, I tried to act like everything was OK.

But it was not. I thought God hated me because I was doubting, and because I thought "his rules" were wrong, and I was nothing but a lowly sinning female trying to rise above her appointed station in life. I was terrified of my budding sexuality, and felt disgusted by my own maturing body. To make matters worse, attention was drawn to it by the others, and I endured years of "Godly punishment" through inappropriate attention, harrassmnent, fondling, etc. Good people are doing sins....what does this all mean? I hated myself I hated God. I hated the world. I was paranoid, fell into a deep depression,became obsessive compulsive about my percieved damnation, became despondent, and suicidal by the age of nine. They said it was because I was demonized and put me through a bunch of cockamamie rituals, where they would have convulsions, yell in jibberish (tougues), and cry and moan. Mental illness was a constant all around me. I had no point of reference for what was normal. I was

I accepted the fact that I was damned, and turned to drugs, alcohol, and bulemia. I figured I better actually commit all the sins I was already being judged for. I got involved in abusive relationships and my main mantra became "f**k it!" School was my only sanctuary from the madness,as well as my friends' houses. Especially the friends of mine who were into crystals and pot smoking. The church recognize my back sliding, and that my brother was having seizures from "demons" (epilepsy, another one of our family curses).

Instead of comforting us,and finding us some help, they used it as a wedge to drive between my parents, claiming nonsense that little bro was being punished because my dad refused to come to cult meetings and God wanted my mom to break up with him and put us away. They were just trying to isolate each one of us in a corner by ourselves so we would be stuck without support So we could become drones for their cause- a christian theocracy, pat robertson style. My family was being torn up! Thank goodness that mom left when she did! And these people have the audacity to say they stand up for Christian love and "family values!"

This is all very confusing to a kid. Right is wrong, fantasy is reality, good is bad, truth is lies, crazy is normal, pleasure is pain. I deconverted mentally when I was ten years old, but I was still forced to attend the awful brainwashing sermons. I even had a very joyful conversion salvation experience at the age of nine .... but that free and wonderful feeling was crushed immediately by the dogma and shaming techniques of the chuch .... at first I thought it was because I had backslidden into sin (all of my third grade indescresions, like growing busoms and chewing bubble gum in class) .... now I know that I had risen above the church's lies and dogma for just three glorious fleeting months to touch something truly loving and divine, the essence of Nivana, if you will .... and I was quickly "rescued" from it by the arbitrary rules of BibleGod. These people are dispicable and they need to be stopped from forcing their dogma on others through legislation. It is no family values.....

Now I am trying to get my life back together, trying to deprogram all of that venom from my head. The recorded message still plays in the back of my mind whenever I feel vulnerable ..... the ultimate "kick me while I'm down" .... designed as a constant reminder of those awful people .... to drive me back to their jesus jail whenever tragedy or misfortune strikes. I've become an agnostic, exploring as much book knowledge as I can, with the help of my secular professors at the public Bowling Green State University, majoring in history. True history, not neo-conservative Christian group-think garbage. I explore the internet .... (thank goodness for that wonderful tool that is the info superhighway!) ... for support and others likeminded, and I've become an independent liberal. I've studied comparative religion and culture, and I keep a constant watch on the christian right wing. I am still on my jouney out of fundyism. It's been long and painful. But I owe it to myself, my friends, my fam

I think if there is a God, she is insulted by the lies told about her in the Bible and by fundies! I hope this helps anyone else out there in cyberspace who was in a situation similar to mine, or has a buddy who is. I know all of your stories were extremely valuable to me, and helped me realize that I was not alone, and that I need help. Thanks a bunch, and thank goodness for the internet, my salvation from ... well, salvation!

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