I was born in Provo, Utah, in the heart of the American Mormon community. My entire family was Mormon by tradition, though we were (thankfully) not very hard-core. We were pretty relaxed about religion, bordering on "Jack-Mormonism", but there was always a deep-seeded faith at the heart of our family. I had my fallings away in my youth, and my cleansing and repenting cycles. Finally, when I was 16, I decided to stop living the faith altogether. My mother was heart-broken, but she still accepted me. As a "rebellious teenager" I went from total religion to the total lack of religion, saying Fuck It All and doing whatever the hell I wanted. The mental and spiritual shock was too much for me. I lived in "Wickedness" for three years, hitting the lowest of emotional lows in my life, and finally decided at 19 to return to the straight and narrow. The cold outside was too much for me and I needed the safety of my spiritual umbrella. Here was my mistake:

In my mind, spiritualism and religion were inseperably connected. Thus removing religion from my life made me feel that I couldn't feed my spirit. I felt like I couldn't pray or love god if I wasn't going to church. The inner battle that I had fought in my religious days was still happening, but the difference was I saw myself on the losing side. This FEAR drove me back under the Church's wing, or back under Jesus's bleeding wing. A year later, after I was getting all my spiritual and doctrinal affairs in order, I met Annie, and we got married. Annie was an ex-mormon who was looking to get back into church, like me, but she discovered it was something she couldn't do. This caused stress in me, as I saw our perfect Mormon Marriage falling apart. Then, it happened one day.

Annie and I were strapped for cash, running on gathered pennies, but I had $15 dollars in my scriptures that I was saving for tithing on Sunday. I didn't want to tell her, because I knew how much she hated tithing, but I decided that, we were married and she deserved to know. So I told her and she flew off the handle. We were both stressed out of our minds, and on top of that I was questioning my religion deeply. All the problems I had with it, which drove me to leave it at 16, were resurfacing. Then my mind was brought back to the story of Joseph Smith, the founder of the Mormon religion. A brief history, Joseph Smith lived in New York (state, not city) in the early 1800's, and at age 14 he was trying to decide with Christian sect he would join, as there were many contending sects in his area. He was reading the bible one night and he read a scripture that said (paraphrased) "If any man desires wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all men liberally." So, I decided to ask God. I

Do not chose either.

It is not so simple as a choice.

I am reminded of the answer that Joseph Smith recieved from God, after asking which sect he should join.

Join none of them.

After that, I experience the harrowing procedure of removing myself from my deeply-imbedded beliefs. It was difficult and scary, but I am more liberated now than I ever was. I can see my former religion for the mental and spiritual prison that it was for me. My spiritual interests were here and there, and I had a particular interest in Buddhism, but I decided not to find my spirit in books anymore. I still believe in God, but my beliefs are more inclusive than they were. I might be described as an "omnitheist." Here is an explanation of my beliefs:

My thesis: God is everything. Not just, "God is IN everything" or "God CREATED everything." But rather god IS everything. Everything in the universe is an expression or incarnation of God. Every element and life form is an expression of God. YOU are god, and I am god. Thus, when you look at somebody or something, you are actually looking at a reflexion of yourself. There is really no seperation between anything and anything. I am everything. You are everything. Everyone is everyone is everything is everything.

As for religion, I believe in their validity. Our belief is what makes things real. I believed in Jesus, and of course he was real in my mind. I don't put my faith in Christ anymore, but I put my faith in myself, and in everything around me and inside of me. This computer that I am typing on, and the computer that you are reading this on, are all expressions of God. Look outside. The sky is an expression of God. The air you breath is God, and since you are God yourself, you are inhaling and exhaling yourself. When you breath the air in front of your nose you are actually breathing the universe. You are breathing God and everything. I don't believe that God is some exterior force, or something ethereal. I believe in the inclusive nature of all existance.

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