I was born into a staunch Roman Catholic family. I started having doubts as a child when my best friend, who was southern Baptist, told me crazy stories he learned about Roman Catholics in his Sunday school class. At the time, I was only 6 and didn't realize my family was Roman Catholic (I had always just heard Catholic, so I didn't know they were the same).

I went to church and CCD every week and hated them. When I got to about 12, I would try to make up excuses to skip (I don't feel good, etc.). I pretty much lived like most Catholics do, don't kill anyone, eat fish on Fridays in Lent, etc, but do whatever the hell you want otherwise.

Of course, I felt guilty for all the stuff I did in high school. What a shame too, I probably would have had a lot more fun otherwise.

Then I went to college. I gave up religion altogether at that point (except when I went home to visit of course). I had plenty of fun in college, but that nagging guilt always bothered me. I graduated, moved far from home and lived a carefree agnostic existence.

Then, I got married. My wife was also Catholic, and neither of us really cared much about religion until we had kids. My paternal Catholic programming kicked in, and both my wife and I decided to start going to church again. We had a child with disabilities, and a decision point came about. I could embrace what I had been taught when I was young in hopes of a miracle, or give that hope up and continue being nonreligious.

I chose the former. My wife and I became much more active in our religion. I began 'reasearching' creationism and became a creationist. Then the scnadals in the church started to be revealed. After much soul searching, we decided we should check out a local Baptist church. We liked it, and so we switched over (though my wife was still a Catholic at heart). I decided I owed it to god to read the Bible, which I had never done before. I found it very disturbing, so I read it again. The questions and doubts only got stronger. I read end-times, creationist, and apologetic books by the dozen in an effort to reconcile these issues. In the mean time, my daughter turned 7, and it was starting to be clear that the thousands of prayers prayed on her behalf not only by us, but also our friends, families, strangers, her 10 year old big brother, etc. were not going to be answered. I realized that I was unaware of any verifiable miracles.

In desperation, I turned to the internet to serach for answers - and I found them! They weren't the answers I was looking for, but in retrospect, they are the answers I am most comfortable with. I ditched my faith like a prisoner who has the chance to unshackle himself. 38 years of guilt faded away overnight.

It has changed my entire outlook on life. There was no asinine divine plan for my daughter's disabilities, just random crap that happens. All the nonsense about faith, hell, perfect human sacrifices, talking pigs, a petty god of creation who happens to favor a specific race and nation, mildew regulations, etc., faded into the ignorance of human history, and the realization of the arrogance of faith. My homophbia evaporated overnight. My stance on abortion shifted. My views about sexual activity, and everything I previously considered sin, but which doesn't harm nonconsenting parties changed. I went from authoritarian to libertarian in a few month's time.

I feel truly alive now, and unafraid to enjoy life. Of course, my problem is that all my loved ones are still Christian. My wife knows about my doubts, but doesn't truly appreciate that I not only have doubts, but that my entire perspective has changed. Her faith is founded on the fear of how we would deal with the likely loss of our daughter prior to our own deaths. She'll lose it if she finds out I'm now a full fledged atheist who finds the concept of god to be a complete absurdity invented by primitive man. I also don't feel right raising our children as Christians anymore. What to do, what to do?

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