Walk Away from Christian Fundamentalism

I am a born-again atheist. After fifteen years of born-again christianity I am definitely now a disbeliever in Christianity and all the Abraham based religions for that matter (Islam, Christianity and Judaism) and I find no comfort in any pseudo-christian cults either.

I was 'born-again' at the age of 21 in my bedroom in Coolock, Dublin, Ireland. I had a wonderful conversion experience where the next day I experienced vivid colours in nature as the hymn writer said that "christless eyes have never seen".

I shunned my friends and terrorised my family with eternal damnation. I destroyed books and tapes and records along with my occult tokens/familiars such as my Tarot cards.

Now I realise that I have spent 15 years of my life believing in a very complex web of lies. There may yet be a God out there but he's definitely not confined to the christian bible or church. If anything he's probably highly unlikely to be found there at all.

After years of studying the bible I can no longer accept it's apparent claims to inerrancy and infallibility and on that basis I can no longer believe any of the major christian doctrines such as the deity of Jesus and the doctrine of the Trinity. I have struggled for many years to resolve many of the numerous doubts I had about christianity and the bible but no matter how hard I tried I couldn't be completely convinced. I almost destroyed my marriage to a wonderful free-thinking woman along with my own sanity trying to reconcile a religion full of lying, deceitful, hurtful hypocrites with the God of love they claimed to worship along with the fact that this God of love was full of contradictions as shown from His 'word'.

I do acknowledge that there are some good people in the christian churches (Gary, Joe and Ken to name but three) and that my time as a christian (in the first few years) was very productive in a personal development sense. Considering that I came from a very dysfunctional family and that I had no father figure in life and that I desperately needed to feel a sense of belonging and some security in my life, christianity was (looking back) the obvious choice at the time. However, I feel that I have outgrown christianity - I have evolved somewhat and I no longer need or desire or want in any way the shame and guilt and fear based primordial, primitive religion it offers me. I cannot accept the contradictions I myself discovered in the bible as a 'bible-believing christian' and the inconsistencies of how it is purported to be the inerrant and inspired 'word of God'.

I've travelled to many parts of the world due to my faith - such as Germany, the UK and the US - all the time reinforcing my beliefs and the beliefs of those around me. I preached the gospel on the streets of many an Irish town including Dublin city and in Birmingham city (England). I prayed for the sick (and saw results), I battled against demons (and 'saw' results), I spoke in tongues and prophesied and had word's of knowledge for people. I also condemned many people for their sins (a million apologies, I'm so sorry to Martin and Virginia).

While in San Franciso's Vineyard church (I was the custodian there for a while) I came into contact with the (then new) movement of the Toronto Blessing. I came under it's influence and became an emissary for it back in Ireland even 'transmitting' it to many others. After commiting some of the worst 'sins' of my whole life while under the influence of this 'mighty anointing' I realised something was askew. I renounced the Blessing and encouraged others to leave it and went on my way - but I was never to be the same man. I had been taken over and taken in by some metaphysical or psychological phenomenon and it was a very disturbing and bizzare experience that was to leave me very unsettled for a long time.

My breaking point was when I was expelled from an AoG bible college in Ireland. I was on crutches, homeless, jobless, broke and they threw me out onto the street. Why? Because I disagreed with them and their brainwashed students who were hypocrites and not living up to their own moral codes behind the scenes.

While my home church in Dublin was asked to vouch for me to enter the college when it came to the crunch the assistant pastor (now fallen away) was only allowed to witness (not speak out about) the proceedings against me.

This college had lecturers who tried to make us practice prophesying and speaking in tongues. They had an Arminianist lecturer who said that anybody who didn't participate in his prophesying classes had a problem with God and anyone who believed in Calvinism hadn't got a proper relationship with God.

Another lecturer who was 'teaching' us about world religions told us to go out and make friends with someone from a different religion and under the guise of finding out more about their beliefs we were to find ways to use that information to evangelise them. When I objected to this dishonesty I was informed that I would fail his subject immediately and therefore fail bible college - so under great duress to my conscience I partook. The bible college director in all these matters was cowardly, hopeless and ineffectual. He was a man who didn't want to get involved in anything yet was willing to admit privately that I had been wronged by at least two of his lecturers. In the end their final word was to cite relational difficulties as the earthly reason and that they had prayed about it and that God had told them to expel me - funny that He never told me about it yet I was the prophetic one!!??

My exit from christianity (fundyism as it's called and some of those who have exited call themsleves xtians) was slow and painful - I could not have done it so soon and so sucessfully without the support of my lovely wife Ciara who has encouraged me in every way possible often at great expense to her own personal growth and happiness. She encouraged me to stay in christianity when I wanted to and she encouraged me to attend church when my conscience (guilt) demanded it - she even accompanied me to church at times. All the while she was a sounding board for me and she offered me logic and reason and a critical perspective. I love her very much and am indebted to her for as long as we both shall live.

In all honesty my walkaway began almost in the first year of my conversion - I encountered hypocrisy and inconsistencies from the lowest to the highest levels even in my first year and despite all my attempts to reconcile and validate and justify all that I saw and heard over the next 15 years I was doomed to failure as a christian. My big break was when I was expelled from bible college in February 1997 and was forced to get a life outside of the church by working in the computer industry. I spent the next five years in disillusionment, constantly swinging in and out of belief, constantly trying to make things work with christianity but to no avail. I even tried getting married to salve my conscience so as to strenghten my faith but that didn't work. I began my final walkaway journey near the end of December 2002 and spent the next seven months in denial, confusion, frustration and depression. I tried to commit suicide on July 9th 2003 in complete desperation with my circumstances i

Anyhow, that's my story and unlike the christian gospel you can take it or leave it - it's your choice and you're free to make it.

http://www.ifas.org/wa/index.html

This web-site (above) was without a doubt the most effective and instrumental tool in my decision to "walk-away" from christianity (unfortunately it's been off-line as of July 2003). It had a link to a forum plus many many stories of deconversion from fundamentalism. Ironically many 'born-again' christians don't see themselves as fundamentalists even though they believe that they are saved and that the rest of us are lost and going to hell - a place they say God doesn't send us to but that we choose to go to because we reject Jesus - a place of damnation, fire and unspeakable pain - hmm that sounds quite fundamentalist to me?? But why would I knowingly choose that over Christianity? Maybe the alternative of a life where I can't ask awkward questions or have a seriously different opinion or be free to criticise lies and hypocrisy that I see all around me just isn't living life to the full for me? Or maybe Satan has deceived me? In my experience it was the christians who lied and decei

Here's one for you: "There is no other name by which men can be saved - there is salvation in none other" yet 'anyone who dies without hearing the gospel will be judged either according to their works or according to the light that they have received'. Which is it to be? These are two completely opposing statements yet all the christians that I knew held them both. You can still get into heaven without believing in Jesus? How can this be?

Another one for you: All children up to a certain age go to heaven - where's that in the bible? Give me one piece of scripture without any exegesis or expounding or harmonizing! There is none! At what age does a child 'lose' their salvation and become damned? Is it 6? or 7? or 8? maybe 12? Who decides? There's no scripture that says what age a child becomes liable to suffer God's wrath for all eternity - how can you live with such uncertainty - what if your child dies one hour on the wrong side of that unknown quantity? According to your beliefs and worldview there is only black and white - no grey areas - therefore your child will be either lost to you for all eternity or will join you in heaven.

This is where christians are most dishonest - when someone they don't have any tie to dies "without christ" there's a quiet acknowledgement that they have gone to hell for all eternity but when their own mother or father or brother or sister or granny dies without ever giving any assurances of having 'accepted jesus as their personal lord and saviour' they say stupid self-deceiving things like "well I believe that in his/her heart she/he had accepted christ" or "god spoke to me in my quiet time and gave me a wonderful sense of peace and assurance" blah blah blah - this is pure horseshit and self-deception - this makes that person a hypocrite! They allow themselves the comfort of their own self-deception but deny it to so many others.

To quote someone famous (or infamous): "There are none so blind as those who will not see".

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