At first i grew up with christianity. As a kid i had great faith in God and Jesus. At a kids conference i was "healed" from deafness (later i realised i had gllue ear and simply grew out of it a little - if i was healed why do sometimes have problems?). At about 12 i started developing fundamentalist beleifs, even preaching with a freind in the playground at break times!

But i also had a great interest in science from the age of 5. I didnt realise that some of the things i learnt about science conflicted with my religious belief, i simply accepted them. I deconverted the first time at 13/14. I became a total atheist and developed a hate for christianity. It carried on till i was 20.

I became a christian for the second time at 20. I had no hopes at that time and was miserable. I was failing my physics course at uni (though i love physics i suck at maths). I wanted to be who i wanted to be, i was sick of society and its boundries. Ive always been a tomboy (hate that word!) and was sick of the stigma that tomboyish girls end up as lesbians (i dont have anything against them, but was called it a lot and i really wanted a boyfreind!). It was then i put my hopes in Jesus. I really wanted him to exist and thought he was nice. I was told that God would accept me for who i am. Yeah right! I went to a great church near uni (i dont deny it now it was great!). But after i left i went to one in my home town (the church i went in as a child). Was okay for a while - got filled with spirit and promises, the the downturn!

I just did not agree with the vicar. I was a theistic evolutionist and beleive man evolved from ape like beings. This contradicted from the vicars beliefs who wasnt fundamentalist, more evo - but man did not evolve from apes. Fair enough i could accept he beleived that but i didnt. I told people so. They told me i was wrong and this vicar was a man of God. They'd put him on a pedastel (not his fault) and said he had the truth. I did not like this a told them so. And the holy spirit. I beleived at first but found that this feeling i got i could control! Apprently it shouldnt be that way and err...you guess the rest.

I came to a very bad point in life. I couldnt control my temper. I was (and are still) living with a guy (finally got somebody!) - not married btw - and started to hurt him and myself, i cried out to God and....nothing. I kept being told to pray and have faith....nothing. They said go t church and get prayed for...nothing. I decided not to go and prayed away from church, if God was everywhere and loved me he could talk to me anywhere....nothing. I even went to a benny hinn conference and i was not impressed - seemed to me he was a fake. I really begged and begged God. But still nothing.

So i decided one last prayer. That if he exists im open to him, and if he wants me im there. Nothing has happened yet and as i walk away from the faith ive realised stuff. From reading to my inner thoughts and reasoning im finding the worst about christianity. The bible does not make sense. It is full of contradictions there is no logic in the beleif. the holy spirit i feel is nothing but hope and imagination. It is mass hysteria. and so on.

But now - not like before, i have nothing against christians themselves (well apart from SOME extreme fundies) and accept the Jesus figures teachings to a point (still some irregularities in them) and use them as a moral standpoint. I hate the Paul teachings though, he is not based on the christ ones and i hate that christians follow his teachings.

So, err, now im agnostic. Ive opened my mind to possiblities, maybe i'll beleive again but i doubt it! or may beleive in other things or remain agnostic. Now im happier. And i have lots of fun exploring ahead of me!

And that is all to cut a long story short.

Details