I was raised to be a Christian.

For the Elementary years I was raised in an overseas interdenominational church and attended an evangelical one with my family for the highschool years.I was always really involved in the church: choir, afterschool kids groups, vacation bible school, sunday school teacher etc.... It makes me annoyed when Christans say-- oh you must never have been a real Christian if you stopped believing. I prayed the prayer. I was baptized at 12. I spoke in tongues. I truly believed.

I remember having inklings of doubts about the kindness of God. For example, I questioned why God would bring into being people who would NEVER EVER hear of Christ. I also wondered if people in other religions thought that God answered prayer...it really struck me one day when the pastor in the pulpit said that his moslem friend believed that Allah answered his prayers. I was also unimpressed with the lack of empathy in the Bible...not to mention thinking that certain prophets sounded insane/miserable and the apostles sounded horribly bossy.

My experience of church was heavily influenced by fear. I would get panic attacks when I heard people talk about the devil, satanists, witches, demon possession etc... I would get paranoid and pray harder...feeding the fear. I still get creeped out whenI hear about the anti-christ. If God was so great, why did we have to even worry 2 seconds about the devil???

I was also afraid of dying. Not because I thought I was going to go to hell--- but because life on earth sounded THOUSANDS of times more interesting than heaven ever did. My reaction was just to avoid conversations on the subject and teach Sunday School. I liked the kids and could avoid the stress/boredom caused by sermon materials.

But I still believed. Was VERY interested in apologetics and it would have been a dream come true if I could have led someone to Christ. I remember asking many times for God to bless me with gifts of the Spirit-- be able to heal people/see visions etc.... Every Christmas I would pray that I would feel close to God in a stronger more profound way. You see... I always sensed that there were people around me who had a stronger relationship with God. His presence was more noticable in their lives. Sure--- a lot of prayers were answered and there were interesting coincidences in my life but God wasn't there the way I wanted him to be...the way the church people said he would be.

Then came the university years. I went to a Christian university and was relieved to be around other Christians after a year at public school.

My deconversion was because of two influences...often they were simultaneous.

1. Sexual liberation
2. Questioning of the Bible

The original plan was to stay a virgin until I got married.

But got drunk one Canada Day and did it. I was SO UPSET for a week. When I went to talk to the guy who devirginized me (a liberal anglican) I just ended up doing it again! Doh! I was really upset with myself. Over the next few years I went through cycles of wanting to be pure and feeling strangely close to God then sinning and enjoying it and then being overcome with guilt.The pro-abstinence/purity sermons at church and school didn't help at all. I'd just get horny hearing talks about sex.

I prayed over and over asking God to take away my desires so I could be a better Christian. I really wanted to serve him. But no response. I was left alone to my own devices. At this time I got really really frustrated that God was not helping me. With all those verses about asking and receiving I was really let down.

At the same time I was starting to question more and more how accurate the Bible was. The teachers at school were not complete fundamentalists so I felt a bit more free to explore doubts. For example --- the biology professors taught evolution and the biblical studies teachers (professors/translators) believed that the Bible came to us in more ways than God speaking and someone writing. When I questioned why God wouldn't help me with saying no to sex--that opened up the door to questioning other things.

The cycles of sinning and repenting became more and more pronounced.I even worked as an exotic dancer while attending the university. The people in charge at school found out and forced me to go to counselling. The counselling was great because it helped me to deal with the panic attacks I was prone to-- not to mention other stresses in my life. Events conspired and I was fired from the job. (Honestly I was too young to deal with it..and the guilt.) I thought that God had saved me from that situation and felt closer than ever....but it was almost an odd frenzied unhealthy high. there were enough people around who were happy to talk to me about my doubts and soothe me with apologetics but the questions kept coming back and I kept on sinning.

By this time I had stopped going to church. I would still go to chapel at the university on occassion but I preferred to go out dancing Saturdays and sleep in on Sundays. I felt more alive onthe dance floor than I ever did in church.

After awhile the cycles of being close to God and not being close REALLY started to wear me down. Not to mention university life is stressful enough when you aren't having a faith crisis. I remember walking through the halls--- angry with God, angry with myself, not to mention worrying about homework.I felt like I was going to officially go crazy. It was then that I made the decision to focus on one problem at a time. I could not get my studies done while obsessing about God. I decided to put the questions about God on the backburner and just not think about my faith for awhile. I also said to myself: If God REALLY wants me to not sin I am confident that he will help me. And the weight was lifted to a certain extent.

Guess what...the sexual desires stayed. And I remember having sex for the first time without feeling guilt. It was great!

The first year or so I mainly avoided discussions on religion and said to myself...I'm not ready for Christianity right now. Maybe one day I'll go back to church but not yet. Gradually bits of faith slipped away...and it was gradual. I also started to meet ex-christians who shared their stories with me. When you first leave the faith---a lot of people worry that they will go crazy without God's presence in their lives. It was good for me to see others who were confident non-crazy ex-christians.

I thought about exploring other religions but I sort of felt like a traitor --- plus if I didn't believe in the Christian god's power--why should I believe in some other God's power? I tried to invent my own religion -- dabbled for _very_ short period in online tarot etc...but that just left me frustrated. I knew a lot of Christians who believed that the new age powers were real-- but they were evil. If I didn't believe the other stuff that the Christians believed--there was not much point in me believing that the new agers had power either.

At this point in my life I don't really have a label for what I believe.

• I see beauty and truth in the world and seek after it.
• I try to be kind and am now more free to be empathetic than I was as a Christian.
• I think that there is something out there....dunno what-- God?. I believe in fate, strange coincedences, consequences, wishes being answered and the like.

I see Christianity as being a box that some people respond well to. I've seen that my parents and brother have found a lot of joy and strength and peace through Jesus Christ. I did not fit in that box.

I guess when it comes down to it we are all different spiritually.Truth comes to us all in different forms. We all have our place and peace and beauty come to people in different ways. Some love Jesus. Others love Allah. Some need yoga. Others get off on looking through telescopes or microscopes.

You just need to find out where you fit.

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