I grew up Presbyterian. If the door was open we (me, my mom, and my grandmother) were there! I also went to a Church of Christ private school from 7-9th grade and hated it. My Presbyterian Church was much more liberal and I really struggled with the major difference in doctrine. My pastor/youth leader was brilliant, he graduated from Princeton.

SO each week when my church youth group met, I would ask my pastor to go over what I was supposed to believe as a Presbyterian compared to what my Church of Christ bible teacher taught me during Bible class everyday at school. Yes, we had Bible class everyday.

This is where I began to struggle! Who was right? And if we all love the same god and relied on the same Bible to guide us why were there so many differences and why do different dominations discredit one another so badly if we were all reaching for the same goal? (to get to heaven)

Finally after begging for a whole year my mom let me go to public school, as she could see my confusion. I loved it! Starting in 10th grade I loved school, I had a great crowd of friends. Not one of my girlfriends was a Christian. If I spent the night a someone’s house on Saturday night I would have to get up get dressed and leave their house early to be at church on Sunday. Often my mom and granny would pick me up on the way.

My friends thought this was nutts, as I was a regular teen. I smoked, drank at parties, and had sex with my boyfriend. To them I was a hypocrite. I don’t know how they stood to be around me.

Throughout my teens I was in the youth group, sang in the choir went to church camp every summer. At 16 the National Youth organization my church belonged to (LOGOS), formed a youth choir and went to Russia. I was chosen to go. This was 1993 just after the fall of communism. It was truly an amazing experience.... trying to spread the light and word to those who had had very little exposure to it. Yet the whole time I was in Russia I smoked, drank vodka every night, cursed, and fooled around with the one of the college aged guys who one of the group ‘leaders’.

At 17 I was elected to represent all of the youth groups in all of South Alabama’s Presbyterian Churches. I even got to go to the General Assemble. I organized weekend youth retreats, gave speeches, and designed tee shirts with Christian sayings. All the while I constantly lied to my mom about where I was, what I was doing, and who I was with. I lived a double life. Everyone at church just thought I was so perfect. UCK!

I actually loved some of the people I went to church with, they do become like family. I guess I was so into it because of all the warm and fuzzy verses; Youth groups especially rely on those verses. I remember asking my pastor if we could actually study something other than the prodigal son passage.

I was even a summer church camp councilor for the whole summer at 18, for kids aged 7-15. I was anything but a Christian role model. To be honest I didn’t even know that much about the Bible. Just the warm fuzzy stuff. So partying and screwing around were fine as long as you asked forgiveness on Sunday because we are all human and we all sin.

In my early 20’s I experimented with lots of drugs and really began wondering how I could be forgiven every week after all the bad stuff I was doing during the week. This is when I met my husband who was/is an atheist. I tried so hard to convert him. I drug him to church and made him listen to Christian music. He was such a nice person; I just couldn’t believe he didn’t believe in God.

Then he took me to a grateful dead show. And for the first time I experienced a kindness like I had never know through ‘god’ and saw you could actually have a religious-like experience and not be in church. This is when I realized organized religion is just that ‘an oranization’!

I still struggled for a while. Then I want to college and took an ecology class. That did it for me; I know for sure now, there is no god!

Years later when I went back and actually read parts of the Bible, I was appalled. The most ironic this of all is, now that I am not a Christian I have higher morals than I did when I was a stupid Christian. I don’t lie, I don’t cheat on my husband, I don’t look at porn, I don’t gamble or steal, I don’t even smoke cigarettes anymore. I have a grate life and a sweet husband who I love and adore. I no longer have to live a double life.

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