hi - i am a former Catholic - i say this with a certain amount of hesitancy because i'm not sure that i can actually say i was something when i was only technically a Catholic from age 1-9 and then my mother divorced, remarried a lapsed Episcopalian and then i was confirmed United Church of Christ at 13 - when you're spoon-fed beliefs-not-to-be-questioned at a young age - as we all are - i don't think it really counts until you're old enough to ask questions and not take other people's blind faith as an answer (although i must say, the Catholic guilt does set in rather early)

i am 32 now, and the questioning, which began, funnily enough, soon after i was confirmed, has not ceased - only now i know there is no god and i am devoutly areligious - i didn't stop believing out of bitterness or dissolution, it just gradually didn't make sense anymore - it's like, it all became clear - like how born-again Christians say they'd suddenly seen the light - well, that's how i feel - only in an extremely non-religious way - anyway, the whole not believing in a god thing happened in my teens years ago and the whole religion is not such a great idea in general thing happened not much later

and this morning, i just read the paper on there not being a historical Jesus and i was literally struck speechless while reading the article - i mean, what a load of crap we're been fed over the centuries (to put it crudely yet mildly, considering) - i almost cried out of frustration that millions of people around the world (including my entire family) believe this man actually existed - and there's no historical proof he did! - and unfortunately, the only exclamations i could think of were - holy shit! and oh my god! and jesus! (gotta work on new swear words cause even those have been ingrained ) - the magnitude of the lie just seemed so incredible to me, i almost fell over - i ran up to tell my husband - and i've just been texting with my only other truly areligious friend in the whole world - i thought, who could i tell this fantastic news to - no one else actually, as it happens - my mom thinks i'm going through a phase that i'll "obviously" grow out of when i'm 70 and suddenly will believe in god when, i don't know, i'm faced with my own mortality? - wow, we're all going to die - that's not news - you can't be afraid of something which is inevitable -

recently, i refused to congratulate my little cousin India when she completed her first holy communion - i privately grieved, hoping somewhere along the way, she would have an epiphany of a different kind - as a result, that whole side of my family thinks i'm some kind of spiritual mutant - some of my good friends are very Christian/religious and would be really uncomfortable if i went - guess what? Jesus never existed, isn't that great news? - yeah, that wouldn't go over so well - but i think it's fantastic news - it's like historical fiction - it is historical fiction - i mean, wow! - the biggest lie of all time! - and the whole world believes it! - wow - and the questions that revelation raises - i mean, this whole Mary Magdalene thing - ok, so, she wasn't a prostitute - did she even exist? - and the disciples - i mean - and Mary, Jesus' mom (i never believed the whole Immaculate conception thing - that was actually my first doubting point ever) - but that she may have never existed - wow - it's absolutely mind boggling!

i am constantly at odds with my family - every time my mother and i happen to get into a conversation about this, she acts like i'm some child who doesn't know her own mind - like at 70, when i'm going to die, i'll suddenly find religion here are a few things about me - we're all just organic being and we're all going to die - it's in our biology - no big deal - of course we're afraid of of not being around - but that's how it is - religion springs from fear of not knowing and the human impulse of wanting to belong (sometimes at all costs) to something larger - but we're not - we simply are - we can't accept that we, alone, are responsible - that would be too much - but we are - responsible for our bigotry, for our crimes, for our violence, for our racism - but "higher powers" are an excuse to free us from accountability

it's pathetic and i refuse to perpetuate this kind of philosopy

1. I'm East-Indian in descent, but grew up in the US - i live in New Zealand now
2. I have a M.A. in International Studies - emph on Hist, Poli-Sci, Edu - country of interest - Russia
3. I've abandoned any thoughts of a "normal" job and have joined the ranks of struggling authors - i love sci-fi/fantasy and that's half of what i write - my economist hubby is happy to support me, but i hate to be dependent upon anybody and will probably have to get a "real" job anyway
4. I despise the direction the US seems to be moving in politically (as well and culturally, in a lot of ways) and am very afraid of a theocracy asserting itself in a big, martial way - eventually - even scarier because it is perpetuated upon lies which most Americans believe - scary scary scary

my husband and i were up late talking one night about this whole general religion thing and we wondered whether chemically, humans are wired with the need to believe in a higher power and everything which comes with that belief (to be sheep, basically) - then we figured we were glad to be wired differently - but i'm just sad that we seem to be in the minority

that's my story

i've seen the light

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