From the time I was born, I was taken to church. My mom was raised Baptist, my dad Catholic. If I remember right (and it not being important to me, I'm not bothering to ask my mom) I was born into the Baptist church, which doesn't believe in baptizing babies. When my parents divorced when I was 3 my dad started taking me to a Catholic church,but luckily we attended for such a short period of time that I hardly have any memory of it. When I was 4 we joined the Methodist church in town because my dad found the Catholic church to be too strict and my babysitter realy liked her church. The Methodist church is possibly the most laid-back of the Christian denominations, but it's Christian just the same.

So from the earliest conceivable age, I had no concept of ideas outside of god and what was written in the bible. How could I? I was taken to church almost every weekend, and therefore never given the chance to draw my own conclusions. I think this in itself is a small but powerful form of child abuse. Children who are too young to grasp such abstract concepts should not be brought to church services. If you need convincing, at the ages of about 4 to 5 I thought that the pastor was god. When we had "children's time" up at the front of the church during services, I would always try to sit next to him because I thought I was sitting next to god, and I had been taught that god was great and powerful. Please don't tell me this is healthy for a 4 year old!

Church was an integral part of my childhood. I was an angel almost every year in the annual church production of the Christmas story, and I diligently attended Sunday school in the old church basement, where we would read bible stories and apply them to everyday life. Of course, we were all made to believe that these were factual events, with no fictional basis whatsoever. They always ended with the telling of some virtue and a construction paper project straight from the teacher's guides. When I was older, I attended church camp for a week in the summers, with activities similiar to those in Sunday school.

My dad met my stepmom in church. They were married by the pastor of the church, and when both of my sisters were born they were baptized in the church. We now attended church as a family, including the family picnic, Easter brunch, bake sale and various other events at the church. For years I never questioned anything, because I couldn't. It was just part of my life.

But as I moved up in Sunday school classes and started coming to church less frequently because I stayed at my mom's house more on the weekends, I started to have what I thought were deviant thoughts. I thought church was boring, finally opened my eyes enough to see that the other kids in my Sunday school classes were either A)goody two shoes or B)forced or pressured into going like I was, and hated getting up early on Sunday mornings. I knew that there were kids at school who didn't have to go to church, and I envied them. I didn't want to do this anymore.

Very gradually, I stopped going. By the time I was old enough to be confirmed, I had already lost too much interest and wasn't at my dad's enough on the weekends anyhow. I stopped going to youth group events and gave up any previous small amount of time I had spent praying or reading the bible. Thinking I was simply lazy, I tried to get back into it a few times, but I just couldn't.

For the past few years I have only gone to church on holidays, and this year I haven't wanted to go even then. I have come the terms with the fact that I'm not Christian and never really was. I was never given a choice early on. I stepped back enough to examine my beliefs, and came to the conclusion that I had none. Except that I hated the Christian religion and that there is really no way of knowing anything. I've told my mom how I felt, and I've always had friends who never cared much about religion. However, I haven't been able to tell my stepmom yet. She knows that I try as hard as possible not to go to church, but I don't think she's accepting of the fact that I'm not Christian yet. I'm proud to be an agnostic.

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