I write this not necessarily because i have successfully deconverted. To the contrary i write this because im coming to the dreadful realisation that maybe i cannot. below i want to outline the dangers of converting in the first place...

my story begins basically giving my life to jesus at a young age, i asked for it i guess, with all the knowledge of a 5 or 7 year old (cant remember how old). And it is one decision i wish i could change. You get fed all the neat 'god loves you, great plan for your life, free offer of salvation etc'. Well let me tell you there is nothing, nothing free about christianity. i exhort any people that arent christian, that maybe are considering, steer clear, if you can help it.

With Christianity, when you've signed up and only after you've signed up does the fine print come up. 'You must hate your mother, father, family, life, society before you are fit to be my disciple' says Jesus. If you are already signed up as a christian, that means that he then has to strip you of your love for all that stuff (and often at great cost to yourself and others).

And if you reconsider your committment saying 'oh so that's the cost to following you, i cant pay it', jesus teachings come back and say 'you made a promise to me, you signed your whole life over to me, and im going to finish my work in you'- now you're stuck in a fucked up situation. Like a heroin addict, your first hits are great then you're in bondage, and the pain is greater than the reward.

This is the life of being a christian, putting yourself through untold agony in this life for some vague hope of great glory in the distant future. Fuck that.

I've tried to deconvert myself from this virus in the mind, but to no avail. The seductive, oppressive message of this insidious religion keeps creeping back in, creating numerous double binds and paranoid anxiety.

Ive seen it in churches ive visited. The preacher stands at the front saying 'come to jesus, he loves you, he went through all that pain on calvary just for you, and the offer is free, you dont need to pay him anything, come to him, how can you say 'no' to this man?'. And the etheral music sweels and the strings of sympathy and love in one's heart are being played by a masterful performance of manipulation. And you go up the front and make an exchange- and then only after the exchange does the 'now you're in and im going to do what i want with you' angle comes out.

Jesus demands his disciples suffer for his name and gospel of 'good news'- and if they turn away he will bring destruction on them to turn them back to him. And this is the god who prized 'free choice' so highly at our creation- and now so sadistically plays with us like a cat does a wounded mouse. Preying on our fears, the things we love and care about. And every step of the way saying 'you must be the one that follows me, i cannot make you do it' (talk about oppressive coercion).

I dont know if you are already 'saved' or 'deconverted' or 'unsaved' but i just want to say be careful of what you get yourself into- it could potentially screw up the rest of your life (it seems like christianity is doing that to my life). There's a reason its been around for so long and spread so far- because it infects the mind, latches onto it and doesnt let go.

If you are going through the same dilemma as me and would like to write please address it to me 'Temp Apostate'.

Peace to all, take care.

Temp Apostate.

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