My parents and grandparents are born-again Christians. We went to a Southern Baptist church, not because my parents were hardcore SB but because it was the closest drive from our house. I didn't get hardcore into it until I was in junior high. My church had a big youth program and lots of stuff to do. It was really more of a social thing.

At every social function we were given "the call" to accept Jesus as savior and Lord. We were told that if we didn't tell people about Jesus and they died and went to hell, that "their blood would be on our hands". I felt horrible, like I was responsible for saving the whole world and responsible for people dying if I was too scared or shy to talk about Jesus to someone. By then I had accepted Jesus and prayed the prayer because it was the thing to do. I didn't want to go to hell. Most of my church friends had been 'saved' since they were much younger. We heard about how we were born sinners and worth nothing unless Jesus saved us. It was hard for me to understand how we were dirt one minute and then loved by God the next.

By high school I was at church ALL the time. I didn't doubt anything I was told. Our church wanted a new building and began a money-raising campaign. There was a bigger SB church in our city and our church was pretty much competing with it, but I didn't realize this back then. Being female, myself and the other girls in my church often got the message to "be a godly wife and mother" later on. Our career dreams were never mentioned. (Now I'm 33 and never married or had kids! Where would this leave me?) We were also stressed to "be pure" and not only not have premarital sex but not to tempt guys in any way. As in not to hug guys face to face because they could feel our chests pressing against theirs and it might be too tempting! Thing is, the guys never got this lecture. Sexist much? Even so, I was into it and got baptized at 17.

I was very closed minded and judgmental. I was fiercely anti-abortion and figured if eveyrone just lived a good moral life they'd be fine. Gay people were evil and women had their place. I had no problem calling people out on their "sin". I ended up going to another SB church (the one my old church had competed with all those years) and they were even more conservative. By now I was in college, sure I'd meet a nice Godly man and raise a nice Christian family.

It was around this time that I found out that my mom's side of the family had Jewish ancestry. You'll see why this matters later.

I'm not sure when it all started breaking down. I do know I began to see things differently as I got further along in college and met people unlike me. I got tired of going to Bible studies and church every week and seeing nothing change. I took notes in every sermon... all I got was more judgmental and bored. I felt like a shell of myself. I began going out more and doing all the stuff kids in college are supposed to do. All the horrible things I was told would happen, didn't. Having a drink here and there didn't kill me. I began to see there was more than one way to live.

It still took me a LONG time to change. I'd been taught every word in the Bible was true. I finally realized that it's too full of contradictions and is written by human beings... some of it can be allegory. I went to a Presbyterian church for awhile but never felt truly welcomed there. I went to a Catholic church and liked it too, but somehow never felt pulled to join it, though I appreciate its rituals. I went to an Episcopalian church and liked it a little more, and if I were Christian that's where I'd be. Even so, I never found a home there either. Nothing seemed right to me. I felt lost.

I didn't do much of anything for some time, and then became acquainted with a Jewish guy. I asked him why Jews do not accept Jesus as messiah. He said it was because 1) God cannot be killed and 2) if he had been the messiah, we'd be in a messianic age (Heaven on Earth, basically). Needless to say this hasn't happened. This really made me stop and think. And it made a lot of sense, almost to where I felt stupid for not realizing it a long time ago... was like "well, DUH!". And if he were the messiah, why would the messiah need to come to earth twice? (Since Christianity teaches that Jesus will come again.)

Knowing I had Jewish ancestry made me think too. It meant that somewhere along the way, my family had to have converted. Why? What happened? I'll likely never know, but I felt compelled in some way to take it back.

I do believe Jesus was a real person and walked on this earth. He very likely was crucified. But as of now I cannot believe he was the Son of God. I do believe in a God, a Source that only knows good. I meditate and try to connect with God. I thank God for everything... for my food, my home, health, my cat, family, just being alive and OK. I believe there's an afterlife and I believe we exist for eternity. I haven't taken steps to convert to Judaism yet but I have been visiting at a Reform Temple, and I like it a lot. Once the rabbi there said Judaism is based on two words: Think and Thank. I like that... people are expected to think and reason, and be grateful for what they have. Judaism also does not teach original sin, and it's such a relief to not have the "You're dirt and Jesus/God needs to save you from yourself" in my life anymore. I know I am a divine creation. And my relationship with God is between me and God. I don't have to proseletyze. God, if you believe in such, knows who you are anyway.

Now I'm happy to have gay friends, I'm vehemently pro-choice and it's such a relief knowing all I gotta do is love God, love myself and others and try and make the world better. Even if it's just smiling at someone as I walk by.

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