On again off again.

Best way to describe me these past years. Baptised at birth as a Catholic I grew up in a suburb of Toronto attending a Catholic school. At age 10 before I had even heard of Frederich Nietzsche I was already saying "God is dead... we killed him".

I don't quite remember how I came to those words only that when I said it, it felt like truth. I had a bad childhood. Nothing earthshattering like abuse but enough angst to make me question Gods existance. My dad was anything but loving and my home situation was weighing upon me. Being the only non-white kid in primary school for a few years didn't help either (I'll save you the sob story and just say if I could I'd deny my birth).

Still, I never stopped being Christian. In the darkest times we should seek out God, no? I just couldn't get past that all people had to do was repent, say a prayer and all was forgiven.

The "Good Book" says Jesus died for our sins and it is something I *would like* to believe in. However the way things are taught now, it means he absolved us of our sins.

Going back to my thought that "God is dead... we killed him", the death of Jesus did not absolve us of our sins, it created an even bigger one. It also means we are on our own. My belief at the time (when I was about 14) was that even if God was all powerful and all-mighty, if we are his children, it's time for us to grow up.

Looking at the world, it just wasn't happening. By 16 I decided to let go of Catholism because as I pondered the existance of God I came to realize that God is not all-powerful or all-knowing and all-loving. If God really is perfection why is everything so imperfect? Perfection can only breed perfection and we are not it.

The only way I could rationalize this problem was if it was a paradoxial relationship. Borrowing a bit from science and mythology, I concluded that God needs people as much as people need God. The power of belief is what fuels God and that in turn is delivered back to the people. That also convers all other religions with any higher existential beliefs so all seemed covered.

Then this summer 2006 I came across a crisis in my life (insert angst stuff expected of a 26 year old loner trying to find something and/or someone in this world to live for). For the first time in a long time I found myself praying for myself (I stopped praying for myself at age 8-10) hoping to find something or someone. I never made a single friend and had completely lost all my old ones during the last 8 years.

At this point I don't know if I made a mistake or not but my mother introduced me to a friend of hers who had been trying to introduce me to her middle daughter for several years now. I figured, "ehh what the hey". We both had "father issues" and we both were single. Not that I really had any plans to commit to a real relationship but I was hoping for at least some kinship due to similar backgrounds and problems in life.

Imagine my dread as I slowly realized I had become nothing more than a pawn in a game. You see, out of 3 daughters this middle one is as devout a Christian as they come. Sings in the choir, leads cells groups and prayers, plays piano for the Church, volunteers, does the treasury, etc.

While the family itself is semi-religious, they arn't completely overtaken by the so-called "word of God" as the one I was introduced to. From what I could gather by eavesdropping and reading from family reaction (esp. her mother and youger sister who was "spying" on us for her mom) they wanted this daughter to let go of the same things I needed to let go of and to hopefully become an item.

Not that I really minded to much mind you. At this point I am still a Christian and am looking for something meaningful to my life. Instead of babble talk I start a serious discussion for once, trying to figure out why she became a devout Christian.

The answer? "I really pray hard to God that my mom and dad would one day get back together again". Ouch. I should've taken that as a sign to get out ASAP but then she follows up later on in the conversation "I'm OK with being alone, not having anyone with me". This was the reason why her mom wanted me (or at this point someone) in her life.

In no uncertain terms, her dad is scum. He's a golddigger leaching money off his daughter to support him (does not work, abandoned his family as they started going to costly University). Very much like my dad (my dad is doing the same, trying to get back into my life so he can gold dig me). So more than anything, I feel sorry for her as we both have similar circumstances.

At this point I can't tell if I care about her in a way that would end in a relationship but I do empathize with her. I figured since we are both going through the same darn thing we could find someway to figure out this whole damned mess. Unfortunately "God" and his "Church" gets in the way of real healing.

Every week I hear words about how if you pray hard enough and beleive in God your prayers will be answered. She hears about how the Pastors son prays long and hard and serves the Church of God and how he landed a job playing Piano in an orchestra as a backup (which is incidentally her dream apart from having her mom and dad get back together again even if she has to support her dad).

I see her eyes light up with hope and I dare not speak my mind as I want to remind her that this is the pastors son we are talking about. In other words there is some sway to a pastors words when he asks for help. Your not in the same position, even if there was an opening, I'm not blind enough to not see that the pastor would ask for it for his own son long before you.

At this point I feel more and more sorry for her. She is so blinded by Church and God that she can't quite seem to grasp it. She feels that if she suffers enough she can have her prayers come true. I see her sitting by herself a lot so I go and sit beside her a lot. I don't know anyone that well in the Church and as much as I'd like to speak to the younger sister (who is less angst ridden than both of us) I can't because she's afraid I might like her instead of her sister (dammit what ever happened to kinship and good friendships).

Sometimes it's funny to be an outsider looking at the inside. You see relationships much more clearly and purely sometimes. As far as i can tell there is a slight love triangle in there. From what I can gather the guy the middles sister likes is the guy that likes the younger sister (although many people like the younger sister, she's playful and adorable and not a bore) even though the younger sister has a boyfriend. You can see there is no way this can end pretty (the guy I would say only uses the middle one to try and get to the younger one).

When I start to realize this it is too late. I find myself being accused of me "hitting" on her (the middle sister). Indeed while I find her elegant and beutiful and great, I didn't want a relationship at this point, I was seeking kinship. I can't get close to the younger one and now the middle on rejects me because I'm a 5th wheel in thier ever bizarre love life.

Is this what people pray to God for? The longing for people to accept you who will never truely accept you? Is this the self-sacrifice people do in order to ask God for the things they really want? Is God's answer to all this to give us more and more angst? God sounds more and more like a sadistic man than a loving and caring figure.

In her case, the belief in God has blinded her to a point of stubborness that if she sacrifices herself enough God will pay attention to her. She fails to realize that her "self-sacrifice" to God also sacrifices and hurts those around her too.

I re-realized something as I read the letter she gave me basically telling me to "just be friends" (i.e. don't make her look like the bad guy in this crazy affair). So many problems are easily solved with people. The church preaches that people are unreliable and that in the end, the only one you can trust is God and he will fill your heart but this is wrong. "Hello World!" the first program any programmer learns to write.

I wish I could tell her the truth and that she would understand it. Hello, I'm here, so is your sisters, your mother and your real friends and unlike God, we are real and in your life; physically, emotionally and spiritually. We deserve a place in your heart (I don't necessarily mean that in a romantic way).

Even if God was real the Bible was written by men, men with agendas and biases.

Yesterday I took that $50 dollar Bible I bought (about 1.5 months ago)to try and help me understand my crisis and I wrote all over it, ripped it and burned it. All this has taught me one thing (by knowing her), what I'm looking for is not written in the Bible nor in Church nor in God.

I don't know where I'm going, it could be the pits of despair, loneliness, hatred and anger. It could be to happiness, bliss and final contentment. Either way I'll reach it there without Chritianity.

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