I was brought up in an atheist home by abusive parents. At age 6 a girl on the playground told me if I told a lie or broke a promise that the angels would come and get me in my dreams and whip me in front of Jesus.I had never heard of this Jesus guy, but this idea stayed with me for so long. I always felt like "God" was watching me, like the thoughts in my own head were under his total scrutiny. I am just now, at nearly 40, really realizing that noone is watching me!

This eventually led me down the road of shame, for everything. I had no privacy I thought. Then at 17 I met my husband to be and he comes from a pentecostal background. His family did not approve of me and I can remember feeling very dirty in their presence, so tiny and looked down on. One time I was riding with his sister in law and she told me that abortion is wrong and blah blah blah. I did not agree but being polite I said nothing. Then she said, "You had an abortion right?" and I was totally flabbergasted. I had never even been pregnant. This was the first conversation we ever had.

We moved in together much to their disapproval. Then we got married two years later and I wanted to be part of his family. I started spending time with them and read the words of Christ in the bible and converted in my heart. I was very zealous and went to work at a ministry. That was the beginning of the end. I was shocked at Christians behavior. A major turn for me was when my boss told me there had been no sales because I had brought demons into the store. I started wondering what to believe. What is good and what is evil? Which authors, which music, which impulses? I did not know what to believe anymore, I started reading some biblical critiques, in secret at first.

Although my logic could see it, it took me years before the fear gripping me could let go. Actually I moved 2000 miles from my abusive family and all the pushy christian nosiness, and then I was truly free. I also studied the bible intently during my religous phase and it started to disturb me. I could not respect this God, he was so cruel. The atrocities in the bible are so horrible.

I have a chronic illness too, it is very painful at times. SOme of the comments people made were pretty bad. A friend told me she was praying for me and God spoke to her(audibly) and said "She needs to know I am God", when she told me this I was so pissed off. All I got from this was my friend believed I was being punished by God and that is why I was sick. That is when I got animosity toward Christianity. It is cruel in my mind to blame a person for their suffering from a disease.

There are so many things I could add here, but this process has taken years. It is still a challenge to remember I am not being monitored by this angry jerk in the sky at all times.

I hope this helps others. I have been reading deconversion stories and the postive atheism website and both have helped me so much. My life is happier than it has ever been now. It is great to be in charge of my life and to live by my own morals (which imho are much stronger than christian morals). I also like living my life now, making the most of each day I have, knowing this is the only life I have.

Thank you for listening.

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