I grew up in a Lutheran household, my life permeated by a benevolent and pleasant Christianity. There was no hellfire and brimstone, no abuse, no fear of the outside world. My parents and our church were at great pains to teach us that God and Jesus loved us and that we could make the world better by spreading that love to others.

I probably never would have gotten out of that stage except that I inadvertently opened the "out door" by reading a book on the history of the Church. I was in my twenties at the time, and I was really surprised to find out how little of Church doctrine has been characterized by saintly men reasoning together, and how much came about via political brokering, personal rivalries, and the pursuit of dominance and power.

I could not immediately accept this, so I sort of stuffed it down and continued studying from a religious point of view. I decided to study the "Old Testament" at a synagogue, and that was an eye-opening experience. Not just because the level of discussion was so intelligent and free-spirited, but because I began to realize the origins of Scripture were quite human and not Divine.

It was kind of scary applying that knowledge to my own faith, and I tried not to do it. But eventually I started questioning the Trinity, and I couldn't find any justification for the doctrine but a lot of political reasons why it came to be.

Well, like they say, once the cornerstone's kicked out, the whole building starts falling. I tried really hard to hold that building up. It was a scary time, seeing my whole worldview fall to pieces and having nothing to replace it with. I went through a lot of pain, and for a long time I oscillated between forcing myself to believe because it was just too scary not believing, and then cursing God and flouting morality just to spite the notion that I ever had believed. It was pretty weird, and you can only tear yourself apart for so long until something has to give.

I can't say I had some spectacular epiphany, but eventually I just realized I had to let go of the stuff I couldn't believe in, even if it was scary and there seemed to be only emptiness without it. Eventually the cycle just wore itself out, and I realized I no longer believed the theology and the doctrine, and that this didn't bother me. I stopped going to church, gave away all but one of my Bibles (I kept the King James, because I still love the poetry), and just ceased to have any real interest in religion at all.

Now I would call myself a Deist, and I would say that the only intellectually defensible position is Agnosticism, but if you really pushed me I'd say the odds are there's not a God. As for eternal life, I wish it would be true--I hope it's true--but I'm far enough from death (age 44) not to be too concerned with that right now.

When I miss church is mainly at the holidays. Our church had terrific music and high-quality preaching, and there was just something wonderful about being there with so many other people you knew and loved, singing those hymns and feeling that unity, that continuity with the past. I no longer have that now, and I haven't come up with anything to fill the void. But intellectually I don't miss Christianity, and while I could possibly see myself attending a very liberal church just to have some community, I can't see myself ever believing the creeds again or anything like that.

Anyone in the process of losing faith should note that this whole story I just told you took twenty years. Do not expect your doubts and grief to be solved overnight. Some of it may never go away, but it's much less painful to be true to your own mind and heart than to force yourself to conform to a set of beliefs you don't believe in. The meaning in your life, to be authentic, has to come from within you and not from without.

--Cherisse Newton

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