I was raised by parents who practiced "on again / off again" religion and who still do so. They have deep convictions about religion and God, but their actions don't reflect that at all. I was filled with the standard church things growing up - Hell, Satan, Jesus, Heaven, rock music is evil, don't drink, smoke, have sex. The basics.

After leaving a very strict home for college, I immersed myself in the local music scene and had my dreams of being a rock star and all that. Had a really good time with alcohol and drugs until my irresponsibility began to cause me potential legal problems. Married at the age of 21, had a daughter at 25, enlisted in the Army that same year, had a son at 29. Left the military at 33. Avoided drug use, but continued to drink until my mid 30's. Average guy.

My wife insisted that we begin attending church, so we did. Found a lot of common ground with many of the men there and was soon "saved". Close male friends in the church encouraged me to be more and in a short time, my family and I were not only in church every time the doors were open, but also very active in children's and music ministry.

Left that church mostly due to personal differences with the leadership there and in support of associate pastor who wanted to start a new church. Very committed to that ministry and a growing music ministry that was under gov't contract for 5 years to lead worship for thousands of basic training soldiers. Dissolved the first worship band due to persoanal differences with partners. Witnessed former church members and former band members lie, spread rumors, and be generally hateful.

Left the ministry with the former associate pastor due to feeling terrible after every single service (constantly being told we weren't doing enough for God and that we were so wretched and unworthy) and a huge load with the music ministry, which was by then touring the state.

Dissolved the music ministry mostly due to financial reasons - God's people wanted plenty of free music and event coordination, but just couldn't afford to pay for it. Also began disliking the attitude of the ministry, which was that we were on some special mission for God and so many people's lives were affected by our music and our witness because we were so annointed, talented, and powerful. Was comfortable with that feeling for many years, but began to see that it was just music and that as soon as we were no longer on the scene, there were numerous bands quite willing to take our place to work like dogs and play music for free every weekend.

Began going to a local church my wife and children liked. Didn't play music for over a year and eventually began playing again due to really liking the worship leader. Developed strong friendship with him and his family and once again, became very active in the church. Quickly began to see the same things I'd seen everywhere else - the same percentage of people do all the work and church people are hateful gossips who want things their way. No money for church programs, yet always complaining about having nothing for kids or youth to do. Constant issues with musical styles in the church. Every message the same - not doing enough for God, world going to Hell, it's up to us to save it by spreading the Good News.

During the Christian journey detailed above, I witnessed so many friendships and relationships destroyed by church switching and "revelations" from God about styles of worship and personal preferences in tradition or in breaking from it. My marriage got worse with every year as my wife and I began to become divided about so many religious beliefs and her desire to be so involved that she tends to neglect everything else. I began to ask questions and read about other religions and my own. Started to see the political climate being so out of line due to Christians and those who oppose them. Began to see that both sides are right on a few things and wrong on more. Current world situation reveals that religion is the cause so so much bloodshed. These things began to combine into the general belief that religion is man-made and the cause of much of the misery that the world is in right now.

Over the past 17 months, I've been gradually moving away from any belief in Christianity and as I do so, feeling much better about my life and my personal well being. Much happier these days. I want to believe there is a God of some kind and that there's a happy afterlife, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't make it add up. As a result, I've focused more on my family and on enjoying my life and making it count as much as I can. This has lead to more peace and contentment than any period of time I was a faithful and devoted Christian. My wife initially wanted to fight and argue about my belief changes, but has accepted it as much as she is able. She sees that I'm a better husband and father as well as a happier person, so that keeps her from being as upset about it. Our marriage has steadily improved over the past months due to the fact that I'm much happier with life now. In addition, I still attend church... but it is for her and for my children because they enjoy it. I know that one day, church attendance will cease and though it may cause problems with my wife in the beginning, I'm convinced that I will be a much happier person and that our marriage will continue to improve.

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