Before I was born I was a Christian. I didn't know it yet.

I hold no grudge against my parents for raising me in their church. My mother was born and raised, my father was a post college need meaning in life convert. I went to a pretty mainline church. I met a lot of nice people. It's a pretty big community, I've know these people for a long time.

I went to church every Sunday. I was pretty involved, but not like I eventually would be. I saw it as a simple fact of life. I brought up on books like Evidence That Demands A Verdict, Quest for Historical Jesus, those books that say "that we have proof the Bible is true. It's called the bible". I didn't understand the idea of salvation through Jesus until I went to a Christian Summer camp, where it got under my skin. I accepted Jesus in a isolated patch of forest. I mouthed the words to the sinner's prayer. I was to scared to say it out loud.

After that I joined our church youth group. It was a group of kids who I had known my whole life, led by people I really respect. At the time I was entering middle school. Now in elementry school, what I was had been made clear. I was not there. I was a non-entity. A little direct physical bullying and a teacher that said I had ADD. So I was sent to special classes. Later they put me on pills that made me scared and suicidal. I was 12. Middle school brought a little change, I was just to socially stunted to know what to do once I'd made school friends with some one. After school I was alone. Except for youth group.

We met and talked about Jesus and faith and the world around us. I learned the following. You should be like Jesus. It is impossible to be like Jesus. Bring others to Jesus. The world is sinful and we have to stay away from it. So I did. I hid in high school. I didn't want to have anything to do with sinners (read Non-Christians) of any sort. Youth Group gave me a chance to shine. I saw these people out side of school. They were going through the same stuff.

I went to two mission trips to Mexico. I paid some people a few hundred dollars so i could try and help out some "fellow christians" in an mexican orphange. We dug holes that local labor could have done for pennies. We bitched about food. We felt bad after comparing our life styles with the local Mexican. We went back and told everyone how meaningful it was. The End. Apparently the solution to Mexicos massive social, political, ecconomic, and cultural problems was Jesus.

The leaders of our youth group were nice people. Just a bit over enthusatic. We were told that our youth group was going to change the world, and that being christian was the most rebellious thing you could do. Later I got involved with a charismatic church where people would speak in tounges. It was a huge deal when this started. People would fall over, give words of wisdom. I can't remember how long their services where. We had a meeting once on breaking bondage of generational sin. I watched 40 year old men break down cyring while confessing that they had masterbated, which was why they couldn't get a good job.

I've seen a lot of weird stuff. When I saw a preview for Jesus Camp I was only a little surprised. It was just a logical conclusion to what was going on in my life. I became the leader of a bible study. I planned to attend a bible college. I was volenteering at a healing rooms, where people where healed of minor aliments via prayer. They brought in a refuge girl from Sudan. She was retarded because she had been hit in the head by shrapnel. I'll never forget the sound she made instead of talking. Everyone said she was getting better after coming to the healing rooms.

Life was good if you asked because of Jesus.

It was a hellhole. I was hearing voices. They told me that i was not good enough or that I was a perfect child of God, depending on the voice. The satan voice would yell at me, tell me I was going to hell. So much focus was put on converting people. I was so scared for everyone. They were going to hell and I was to scared to try and convert them. They would go to hell and it was my fault. I was so lonely. The church youth group started to drift apart. The leaders left. I had no real good friends in high school. I alienated every one who wanted to be friends. Women were a terrifying danger I was warned about so constantly. I really wanted to get insnared in that trap.

I became the leader of our school's bible study. At first I poured my heart and soul in to it, praying to god for every word I wrote. I broke down. I couldn't do it. God's precious voice, my gift, had left me. Satan stayed. He's a jerk.

I was walking down the hall my junior year, listening to Satan condemn me, when I had a flash that would change my life. You aren't happy. For so long I had been told that I would be happy when I did exactly what god wanted me to. I wasn't happy at all and I was trying to the best i could. Should I at least have hope. There was nothing.

That was the end. My parrents don't know but i think my behavior has changed enough. I'm in college, studying history. I want to be a teacher, but I might change. I decided that. No god involved.

I went to a super bowl party at a old friend from church. A few years back he was surrendering to god in worship, being healed by faith, and going on all night prayer trips around local schools. He was drunk. That made me extremely happy.

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