I was raised in the Church of God, which for those of you who don't know is a very fundamentalist charismatic denomination. I have had 2 major fears during my life that have fed an anxiety disorder: 1. The fear of Hell. and 2. The fear that God didn't exist and actually also a third fear: That if he did exist he couldn't be trusted (see number 1.) (I can definitely respect the bravery of Atheists and agnostics...but to me...the idea of "nothingness" after this life is too much to handle psychologically.)

I wasn't abused horribly or anything, but it was not very pleasant growing up with a mother who quoted bible verses at me all the time and thought everything was evil. Finally, I had to get out. I got married to the first guy who seemed interested and got out of the house. But he turned out to be abusive and my anxiety got worse. I divorced him and later met another wonderful man (who I'm now married to)

Due to the stress of being in my twenties and living with in a fundamentalist home, I moved in with my now husband (before we were married.) My mother and grandmother kept telling me that I was "living in sin" and "going to Hell." During this time, I decided that it was time for me to start defining my own beliefs, to think for myself and not to let the opinions of others affect what I truly believe in my heart.

So far, I have decided not to scrap Christianity entirely. Even though for the majority it is a religion of fear...I don't think that that was the original intention (going way back in history) And, I don't view all the different religions as necessarily meaning that there is no truth. I believe in God.

But one thing that never rang true for me was the idea that all non-christians were going to Hell because they weren't "saved." What is salvation? I know what the party dogma about this is...but really, when you get right down to it...it seems to be a matter of being in relationship and loving your creator. So, then am I expected to believe that non-christians who truly love God are going to burn in Hell, while Christians who are judgemental and cruel and responsible for countless horrible historical events are going to Heaven simply because they have the "right" theology.

I have to wonder about a God who wishes to spend time with these kinds of people. (Even now, in the back of my mind I have this paranoia that God might be mad at me for saying this...I'm still going through "Fundie detox.")

I visited several denominations, the one that spoke to me the most was a local Episcopal church (one of the least judgemental churches I've ever seen, our music minister is gay. While others may look down on this, I see this as a positive step that at least some sectors of the church are starting to accept "ALL PEOPLE." and not just those with white picket fences and 2.7 children.

In addition to finding a church home that I can feel comfortable in, I have changed many of my original beliefs and am always searching for ways to redefine and better explain my own personal theology.

I no longer believe in a literal fire burning Hell. I'm still developing my theology on this issue.

Along the way, I met a very bizarre group of people: "Christian Witches" (yes, I know that sounds absurd, but actually, most of them are free thinking very intelligent people.) This is the path that I am currently following.

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