I was born into a loving Christian family; raised all my life in Assemblies of God churches. I became a Christian at a young age during a chapel assembly at my Christian grade school. I "rededicated" my life to God a few occations later in life when I felt the need. I never questioned my faith during grade school, junior high, or even during high school...I just couldn't imagine people NOT wanting to come to have what I HAD. During the "high" points as a Christian I would be excited about "doing things for God." I would constantly read the bible, talk to "God" random times during the day, just "feel" good all over knowing that I was loved and being watched over closely by "the maker of the universe." Life was good. I occationally heard atheists and others talk about why they couldn't believe in christianity, but their arguments went in one ear and out the other. I didn't think their arguments held any water because I HAD EXPERIENCED God; and experience doesn't lie. ...Or does it? I just assumed that experience will always back up what you believe...and experience somehow equals TRUTH.

My senior year in high school, I was very involved in my church youth group, and was the leader of the christian club on my public school campus. I had so many visions and ideas for reaching out and "winning" others for Christ. The objective seemed so simple. If only people would realize they just had to pray "ONE little MAGIC" prayer...and walaa...! They would feel all the peace and happiness they could ever imagine. Their life would come together and everything would be good. I just thought it was pride keeping people from saying that one simple little prayer. It was the devil.

College came around and I still had the same zeal for God, just on a lesser level. I was set in my Christian perspective and I viewed everything from that vantage point. I couldn't put myself in the shoes of an atheist...nor my "liberal" teachers. I just wrote off what they said as being inferior and "not of God." After two years attending a community college, it was time to transfer. I decided to major in psychology and sociology, but I thought a public university would be too "liberal" and I didn't want to deal with learning things that went against my faith. So, I ended up at a Christian University.

During my first semester, the topic of homosexuality was brought to my attention during one of my classes...and being at a Christian University, it was obvious how disgusted the class was with the "practice of homosexuality," as they put it. I never felt comfortable saying "homosexuality is a sin" and so I decided to do research on it...and wrote a few long papers that semester and the next on that topic in a few of my classes. At the end of that research I came to the conclusion that: I didn't believe homosexuality was a sin, or abnormal. This "conclusion" was the first hole in my faith. After my first semester, I flew home for Christmas. One night, a Christian friend and I ended up at a cafe and began to talk about God. She told me she had been questioning lately whether the "Christian" God was THEE God. And how we were supposed to know. I hadn't been questioning too much at that point, but I mentioned to her that I couldn't believe homosexuality was evil or abnormal. And we talked a little more and dropped the subject. We wrote a few emails during the next semester, and she couldn't bring herself to read anymore or research anymore "outside" the Christian faith, because she felt bad and guilty for doing it. So she stopped. I started my research.

I researched all that semester, reading through countless numbers of atheist, agnostic, and humanist web sites and books. I had previously read through the Christian apologetic books of McDowell and Strobel .but never anything directly from an atheist. I was shocked at what I was reading. Litterally shocked. I had never been taught any of this in Sunday School or church. Suddenly, I had so many questions. I turned back to the Christian web sites and books for explanations..those Strobel and McDowell books that once strengthened my faith so...but found that there were no REALLY good or reasonable answers. Their answers no longer held water for me, because of what I had read from the atheist and agnostic side. I took bible classes that summer, asked countless questions (annoying my professors) and finding these men of God with PhD degrees in their field dodged the questions right and left. Their answers reflected what they had been taught, and the justification for their beliefs...not what seemed logical or sound...just what supported their beliefs.

After reading through the bible, suddenly everything I was reading became clear, that is, I was seeing it from a different perspective. I wasn't reading the bible anymore to get "spiritually" filled, or for some personal fulfillment, I was reading to read. To see what the Bible really said. I put aside my presupositions about God and everything I had believed, and just read... Inconsistancies, contradictions, historical errors, and the like, jumped off the pages. The nature of God was no longer all loving, but a mixture of all the human traits wrapped up into a powerful and sometimes powerless God. I saw the bible as natural sociological progression of a people who were struggling to make a name for themselves and their God. I saw so much I had never seen before.

As of last summer, 2002, I can no longer call myself a Christian. I don't presume to know whether or not a higher power outside this earth exists. I don't believe we can ever really know. I don't feel like a "whole new person" since deconverting. But do feel freer in many ways, and feel more motivated to live life, because this very well might be all we get. This should motivate us to love even stronger, and know that our differences shouldn't keep us from doing so. Christianity does "work," as one may gain peace and contentment from it, but again, it is not the only thing or religion in this life that works. And that which "works" doesn't have to be "true." Experience doesn't equal truth. I still have yet to face my parents with this news of my deconversion, which will be extremely traumatic for them...but either way, I choose to love them no matter what their reaction. Even if they never want to try to understand where I'm coming from, or why. I hope everyone will continue to keep themselves open to questioning.

There is much more I could write here. I think this will do though. (:

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