I grew up in Romania, under communism. Unlike the way things work here there was no indoctrination. All people I met didn't believe in the "perfect society". Most of them were just fatalists. Despite their indifference the society was crushing me. You know what they say: The only thing necessary for evil to succeed is that good people do nothing. My only refuge was in the family (luckily they are honest people).

Until I was 14, my only contact with religion was second hand, through quotes and comparisons in fiction books ( I was a big fan of sci-fi). That is an interesting point - it shows how big the impact of the 2000 years of christianity is on our culture. Anyway, I became curious so I started reading the Bible. I read the Genesis - it didn't make any sense, even as a myth.

Then I started reading the New Testament. It was quite a shock. It was maybe the best literature I ever read. So concise and so close to life. I could see how people lived, what they were thinking. Even the contradictions made sense to me. People make mistakes so that makes it real.

So I became a "closet christian". I know that for all the fundies out there I never was a true christian (TM) but that is the closest I got. I accepted all the contradictions and the problems. I realized that I don't even care about the miracles. That was not the real message. It was all about searching for meaning and living a good life. What more can you ask for?

When I came to US I started dating a girl from Singapore. At first religion was not a big part of our relationship. She had problems with depression and she was telling me that she was revolting against God. Other than that she was a biology major and a smart girl, so I never suspected what is going to happen.

Then she started looking for a church to join. She took me to a church where people were laughing and shaking hysterically when touched by the pastor. I had to left earlier. I have seen people with epilepsy, and I have seen people that have lost the sense of reality. To believe that someone would actually want a disease like that made me sick... Finally we joined this church. Lots of young people, good community spirit and a pastor talking mostly about how barbequing pleases the Lord. Perfect, right? Until they opened the can: homosexuals go to hell, everybody else goes to hell, you will go to hell unless you are saved!

That made me realize, finally. Fundamentalism is evil. Like communism and other perfect solutions pretends to offer everything in exchange for only your soul and your mind. Just turn yourself into a mindless drone and you will be saved. Not only I cannot accept that, I know that my "understanding" of them by saying that "maybe they got some things wrong, but they are well-meaning" is a mistake.

Just like communism or theocracy, the sleep of reason will breed monsters. I have lived enough under communism to see normal people do evil things. I won't contribute to that by accepting fundamentalism as just another perspective on things.

Other than that, I am still looking. I know enough math and physics to know that order can appear from chaos, so there is no need for a creator. But I still need a meaning in my life. That is very important for me but I cannot give up my mind to get a little peace.

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