I went to church with my mother ever since I was very little. I guess the church could be described as closest to pentacotal, since they believed in speaking in tongues, etc... I was "born-again" as everyone knows. I really didn't have much problem with church as I knew that 'Jesus loved me' and that was good enough for me. However, I remember hating Sunday school and preferring to sit with my mother for the sermon. I also never really liked the singing and worshipping. I always felt the songs were a little cheesy and secretly preferred more tradtional hymns and gospel songs that I had seen at my friend's churches.

I attended a private Christian school, that wasn't too radical, but made us attend chapel on Monday mornings and made us write from the bible when we were in trouble. The education was really quite good, except that the science, as one might imagine was lacking, even for elementary school.

The experience was never too bad, except that my grandmother (and to a lesser degree my mother) were very apocolyptic. They used to tell me things that I think were supposed to encourage me, but instead frightened me. I remember praying that Jesus would let me live one more day so that I may enjoy something (like a birthday or Christmas) before he came and the world would get destroyed. I was encouraged to read the Left Behind series of books when I was still in elementary school and generally felt scared all the time, either for the fear of dying and going to hell, or that Jesus would come back and the apocolyspe would begin.

I was never sure that I would be saved. I prayed the "sinner's prayer" but felt that at any time salvation could be taken back. I tried to reason with God, and tried to pray for forgiveness in advance of a wrong-doing, but that never seemed to work very well. Mostly I worried for all the people that would end up in Hell, which seemed like an awful lot.

When I went to high school I began to have serious doubts about Christianity as it applied to normal everyday life. I had some issues with the church and found that I had two choices. I could either attend and "agree to disagree" or I could just not attend and claim that I was saved as a result of that one prayer. I chose the latter.

It wasn't until college that I began to think about my faith and spirituality critically again. I was angry at the church. I was angry at Christians. I was scared and I had no one to help me through the process. My family wasn't supportive and those that were religious continued to convince me of their own faith. I continued to ignore it...

I decided that someday I might want to have children of my own and if I could do nothing, then I wanted to at least give them real hope, a positive message, and good morals. I began to look for another religion. I attend the Buddhist temple for a while and found that a lot of what I still believed about Christianity wasn't too far from what other religions were teaching. I had always and will always admire Christ, not for his "divinity" but for his challenging the status quo, and holding onto his beliefs that ultimately led to his demise. I liked the Buddhists, but wanted something with a deity so I looked again for something that fit that mold. I found the Quakers and really liked that they didn't tie me to a particular dogma. Although it might be said that the religion isn't dogmatic, but like any religion the people are. They taught simplicity, integrity, community, and peace. All things that were shown by Christ and I believe are of utmost importance to me.

So I still don't know exactly what to believe, because I don't have someone telling me anymore. I am a pacifist, vegetarian who tried my damndest to put my life to good work in pursuit of peace, love, and social justice. My grandmother I know thinks that I am lost, and in some ways I am. I cannot say for sure that Christ was divine, I cannot say for sure that miracles were performed. But I know that his disciples were deeply inspired by him enough to start this crazy religion and stick around for 2000 years. I can appreciate that more now then I could when I HAD to believe in it. I also believe that I can worship a God now not in fear of Hell or for an eternal reward, but for an appreciation of all that I am and all that I will ever be.

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