As I sit here writing this, I am overhearing a one way phone conversation between two Christians. From what I can tell, this person really believes that there is a “god” acting in his life, making things happen that cannot be explained by any other means. And if there is another explanation for whatever it is he is praising god for, then it is a glorious coincidence, once again made possible by this god. I know this, because we have had discussions on why he is a believer and why I used to be a believer.

Some time ago, I was a true believer, although those who are believers doubt that I was ever “saved” to begin with, because once a person experiences the glory of god, they can never turn back. Why would they? Why would I turn away from the Creator of the universe and everything good within it if I had known Him? Why would I reject years of investing my life into this belief system if I had truly known Him?

The only acceptable answer is this: I never knew Him because I now see no reason to believe that He ever existed in the first place.

This realization took years to come to, years of resistance because I thought I was under attack by demons; beings that wanted nothing more than to cause me to lose my faith. Back then, anything that contradicted the teachings of the bible was simply a heresy, in spite of the evidence to the contrary.

Most if not all of the heresies were science related. Evolution? More like EVILution! How dare these people try to convince me that I came from an ape? The Earth could not be more than 10,000 years old, because the account in Genesis and the genealogy in Matthew 1:1 arrive at the conclusion that the Earth cannot be any older than that. The bible never contradicted itself, rather it proved itself, meaning it was self affirming. Fossils? No problem; they were put there by God to test our faith, to strengthen it. Humanism, Wicca, atheism; all of these and all others were fake representations designed to fill the void that only the God of the bible could fill.

That was my mindset for over 10 years. Whenever I encountered a person that would not succumb to the power of God, I wrote them off as being under the influence of demons or at least demonic teaching, led astray by their own ignorance and selfishness.

The current conversation is continuing with no end in sight. I am reminded of myself years ago when I had many similar conversations; lost in my own ecstatic ramblings, praising the feelings and revelations that were given to me. A brief insight into the mind of God was worth a lifetime of pain and suffering.

I saw things that were hidden from the unbelievers, knowledge that was impossible for “them” to understand because while they possessed a superior intellect, which led to their arrogance, they lacked the humility given them by the Holy Spirit. Thus, they were unable to comprehend the milk of the Word, while I was already eating Meat. I was growing by leaps and bounds, obtaining the coveted gifts of the spirit; leading many to the Kingdom, reading the bible and understanding it in ways that my limited language could not convey unless you too were a believer.

I was on a perpetual high, drunk in the spirit and flying high. I ate, slept, breathed and lived God, and I was almost always in the company of those that were of like mind. We fed off of each other, enlightening and encouraging each other.

The time that wasn't spent in the presence of believers was spent recruiting others. Of course I didn't call it recruitment. I called it witnessing, meaning that I was a living witness of the Living God, in my actions and words.

Nearly every Sunday, I brought people to either the morning service or the evening teaching or both. I attended two churches, each in a different county. No one was able to contend with the power of God that manifested itself through me, His most humble servant.

No one except Kevin. Kevin was a guy around my age that attended the same high school I did and we never really spoke until one afternoon. As luck or whatever would have it (I believed it at the time to be Divine Intervention) we both ended up working at the same retail store. He was attending college and I wasn't. I was content to dwell in the power of the Almighty. After all, I was being educated by the Most High and therefore I was preparing for a spiritual future. Kevin and I were in the break room when I posed the typical question: "If you were to die tonight and stand before God and He was to ask you why He should let you into Heaven, what would you say?" Kevin said he doubted that such an event would ever happen, since he didn't believe in God or heaven. After I picked my jaw off the floor, I asked him how long he had been a Satanist. Kevin outweighed me by about 50 pounds, and I was lucky he didn't drop me like a rock.

Kevin then explained that he was not a Satanist, since that too was a Christian belief. He was an evolutionist. Well, I knew how to combat that one! I launched into a diatribe explaining that evolution was false because, among other things, it contradicted the 2nd Law of Thermodynamics (which I pronounced “thermal” dynamics), C-14 testing was grossly inaccurate and there was no reliable way to date an item, and the inerrancy of the bible, just to name a few. He actually was more patient and tolerant than I am even now. Kevin simply asked me to define one of those terms that I obviously regurgitated; Carbon 14 testing. My definition was comical in retrospect and he did something that no other unbeliever ever did (or at least that I could recall); he challenged me. He suggested that I do some research regarding these terms. Then he would talk to me.

I was absolutely convinced that I was right, or rather my narrow Christian worldview was right, and so I took him up on the challenge. The very next day I went to my local library and started reading about carbon-14 dating and other dating techniques. ALL of it flew 90 feet over my head and I wrote it off as nonsense and double talk in an attempt to hide the truth of the bible. You see, all of the unbelieving scientists in the world were spiritual idiots. They lacked perspective because they were looking at the problem (whether or not God existed) using their intellect and could not see the Truth since the Holy Ghost wasn't in them. While at the same time, I supported the dating methods used to “accurately” place the age of the Shroud of Turin at around 2000 years ago. I used this twisted logic over and over again; embracing something if it supported my belief and vilifying it if it opposed my belief. About 5 years went by and Kevin had moved away to start his career in Ceramic Engineering. Once again, I was trying to indoctrinate someone into my belief system, and this person challenged me yet again; to read the Origin of the Species, since I was convinced that evolution was a haphazard belief that “required more faith to believe than it took to believe in God”. He mocked me and I took offense at it of course, but I picked up his intellectual gauntlet. I read Darwin's seminal work. Then I read books by a contemporary author (Stephen Gould) and the landslide began. I read books on anthropology, astronomy, biology and archeology. In the beginning of this, I had at least 2 books going and I do not claim to fully understand the principals and teachings, but it certainly laid a much-needed foundation. Stephen Hawking and Carl Sagan were my favorites and I wanted to share this information with everyone I knew. Gradually I started to realize that the creation account in Genesis might not be entirely accurate. Maybe mankind was not the result of just two people named Adam and Eve. Maybe the Earth is significantly older than 6,000, 10,000, or 20,000 years. Maybe these authors weren't on an intellectual ego trip, whose only intent was to mislead people into a burning hell that the loving God of the bible created.

In short, I became a “Theistic Evolutionist”; one who cannot deny the existence of a God, but nor could I deny the FACTS that I have read. Facts that were tested tried and validated through numerous experiments, trials and tests by thousands of people, most of them working independently of each other. No one taught me to think for myself; not the public school system, my parents or my peers, and certainly not my church. Suddenly I was enjoying a scary but exciting freedom that I have never experienced before. But the most frightening thing I experienced was yet to come.

I was sitting down to read the bible as I have always done since my conversion (a strange story in itself), and I noticed that the power and awe that always seemed to accompany my bible study times had greatly diminished. Suddenly the verses seemed to contradict other verses. I knew this could not be right; was I under attack by the enemy for daring to doubt? Have I been “given over to Satan” because I was thinking for myself? Certain that that was not the case, I set out that night to prove to myself, once and for all, that the bible was accurate, in spite of the new wisdom that I had. I closed my eyes and turned to Deuteronomy chapter 22, verse 28.

 28: If a man happens to meet
 a virgin who is not pledged to be married and rapes her and
 they are discovered,  29: he shall pay the girl's father fifty
 shekels of silver. He must marry the girl, for he has violated
 her. He can never divorce her as long as he lives.

What the hell? I never saw that before. I was reading the NIV and so I quickly tried the NASB, same chapter and verse:

 28: If a man finds a girl who is a virgin, who is not engaged,
 and seizes her and lies with her and they are discovered,  29:
 then the man who lay with her shall give to the girl's father
 fifty shekels of silver, and she shall become his wife because
 he has violated her; he cannot divorce her all his days.

Ok, the KJV will set the record straight:

28: If a man find
 a damsel that is a virgin, which is not betrothed, and lay hold
 on her, and lie with her, and they be found; 29: Then the man
 that lay with her shall give unto the damsel's father fifty
 shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife; because he hath
 humbled her, he may not put her away all his days.

Now I was confused and a little shaken; was I reading this correctly? The three translations explicitly command a rapist to marry his victim! Of course this had to be an isolated

incident, I thought to myself. I'll look at another one, but this time I'll pray that the Holy Spirit guide me in understanding the verses. Exodus chapter 4, verse 11:

11: The LORD said
 to him, "Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or
 mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the
 LORD?"

The NIV was saying that it is not the Devil or demons that cause blindness; it is God; was this really true? Again, I looked up the NASB and KJV:

11: The LORD said
 to him, "Who has made man's mouth? Or who makes him mute
 or deaf, or seeing or blind? Is it not I, the LORD?"  11:
 And the LORD said unto him, Who hath made man's mouth? Or who
 maketh the dumb, or deaf, or the seeing, or the blind? Have
 not I the LORD?"

What about the Faith Healers that I believed were really called by the Most High to heal? If it is God that causes the infirmity, then why are we asking God to stop it? Isn't this like the bad fireman that sets fires just so he can put them out and therefore be regarded as a hero? This could not be right, I reasoned (?). I had to be under attack by thought twisting demons whose only goal was to turn me off of the path. I prayed, for what seemed to be an eternity, but was only about ten minutes. Not a lot of luck with Old Testament, I looked in the New Testament for hope, and the familiar and comforting peace that I now earnestly sought. Luke 12:22-31:

22:
 Then Jesus said to his disciples: "Therefore I tell you,
 do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your
 body, what you will wear.  23: Life is more than food, and the
 body more than clothes.  24: Consider the ravens: They do not
 sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them.
 And how much more valuable you are than birds!  25: Who of you
 by worrying can add a single hour to his life?  26: Since you
 cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the
 rest?  27: Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or
 spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was
 dressed like one of these.  28: If that is how God clothes the
 grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown
 into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little
 faith!  29: And do not set your heart on what you will eat or
 drink; do not worry about it.  30: For the pagan world runs
 after all such things and your Father knows that you need them.
  31: But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to
 you as well."

At this point I felt anger rising from the pit of my stomach. I have read this several times, but never realized the implications it suggested (or commanded); Jesus, the Son of God, while at the same time God himself, was saying to NOT plan. That means, I was following the bible as I was instructed. No planning for my future for my future was in Heaven; all I had to do was pray and everything would be taken care of. What about my finances? I was not materialistic, but there were needs that were not being met. Oh sure, I wasn't homeless and eating out of garbage bins; I was working, responsible and frugal; but there was no plan.

I also took this verse to heart with regards to my wife; as long as I focused on God and his glory, she would be taken care of. NOT! Our relationship was distant and cold because I was of the belief that I was doing all I needed to do; I was not “worrying” as the above verse commanded, I was putting my relationship with my wife in god's hands; and yet my marriage was crumbling fast. When we had an argument, I prayed and read the Word and most of the time I sought the council of like minded believers who all agreed that she was in the wrong.

I started to believe that I had to make a choice; my wife or my belief in an invisible Man. ... I made my choice. ... After many months of dating and cultivating our relationship (by ourselves), we have arrived at a place that I thought I could never be. We are at peace with each other, we respect and love each other, and it is due to our commitment toward each other.

After this ‘victory’, I grew more confident in my everyday life; when my car made a strange sound, rather than pray about it, I simply worked on the car. When something bad happened I stopped ‘rebuking demons’ and began to find the source of the problem, and then I dealt with whatever it was. Soon I was very secure and enjoyed a comfort about the person I was becoming, a joy that wasn't based on an afterlife but rather hope for my future while I still am alive. Years later I finally confronted my reason for still clinging to a belief in this Holy and Just God. I was doing it out of stark raving fear. I did not want to burn in Hell as an apostate, a Christian failure who did not allow God to give me enough faith. (As I learned in the bible God gives a person the faith to believe in Him and consequently if we don't believe we can hardly be blamed.)

I declared out loud that I did not believe in God. And guess what? No plague, no thunder, no nothing. I said it again and again, each time liberated by the freedom of fear and oppression that accompanies religion.

I lost my friends when I deconverted, people in my church that I considered my family, but just like leaving Amway, once I left I was left out. Left outside of their circle, excommunicated out of their club. I regretted leaving them at the time, because I liked them; but I had to leave because I was living a lie, and I knew that our meetings would consist of them trying to convert me again. I did not want a relationship based on that with anyone. Since then I have made a few really good friends, stable and based on actual friendship, not on what we believe. I have friends that are Deists, Wiccian, and Agnostics and yes, even Christians. My life does not have meaning in the religious sense, but I give my life meaning in what I do each day, the way that I treat others and the mutual respect I give others. I am wiser if not a little scarred from my experiences, but I am glad that I went through it. I have learned a great deal about human nature and while I am happy and positive, I am a bit more cynical and cautious.

I won't get fooled again.

I think it is a shame that we, as atheists, do not have a weekly or monthly meeting that we can attend, so those who are just coming out can relate to those that have already decided based on the evidence that the biblical, and most probably any Gods or Goddesses, do not exist. If you are reading this as a newly deconverted religious person and want to drop me a line, you can reach me tim_foust@hotmail.com.

Details