"Recently I was honoured to be selected as an outstanding Famous
celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chilli cook-off, because no one
else wanted
to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and
I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
directions to the beer wagon when the call came.
I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli
wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the
event:
Chilli # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what the he** is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put
the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy.
Chilli # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chilli
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight
Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give
me the Heimlich manoeuvre. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.
Chilli # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chilli! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the
routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer
wagon.
Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front
part of my chest.
Chilli # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chilli with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chilli.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with
fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.
Chilli # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chilli using shredded beef; could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted
and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt
when
I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my
tongue
by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that
one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Chilli # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spice
and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.
Chilli # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chilli peppers
at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about
Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin,
and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with
chilli which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good! At
autopsy they'll
know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful, and
I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in
through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
Chilli # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chilli
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chilli, neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and
pulled the chilli pot on top of himself.
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)