Guitar Player Jokes
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Q - What do a cup of coffee and Eric Clapton have in common?
A - They both suck without Cream
Q - What's the best sound you can make with a guitar?
A - A splash. 
Q - How many guitar players does it take to wallpaper a room?
A - Three, if you slice them thin enough.
Q - What's the difference between a guitarist and a mutual fund?
A - One matures.
Q - What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
A - Homeless
Q - How does a guitar player change a light bulb?
A - He lies on the bed so that the room is spinning around it.
Q - How does a guitar player show up for practice?
A - Drunk and late......... as usual
Q - How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughan tune ?
A - Evidently all of them.
Q - What is the definition of a minor second?
A - Two lead guitarists playing in unison.
Q - How do you make a guitarist play quieter?
A - Put sheet music in front of him.
Q - How do you make him stop?
A - Put notes on it.
Q - What do you throw a drowning guitarist ?
A - His amplifier.
Q - What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
A - Counterpoint.
Q - What did the guitar say to the guitarist?
A - Pick on someone your own size!
Q - What's the range of a Gibson Les Paul?
A - Depends on how far you throw it.
Q - Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners?
A - So the rest of the band can understand them.
Q - What's black and blue and laying in a ditch?
A - A guitarist who's told too many drummer jokes.
Q - How do you get a guitar player off of your front porch ?
A - Pay for the pizza.
Q - What do you say to a guitar player in a 3-piece suit ?
A - "Will the defendant please rise ..."
Q - In the 22nd century, how many guitarists will it take to replace a light source ?
A - Five, one to actually do it and four to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were.
Q - What's the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish?
A - You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish ..
Q - How do you know when the stage is level?
A - The guitarist is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.
Q - What's the difference between a Lead Guitarist and the PLO?
A - You can negotiate with the PLO.
Two guys were walking down the street, One was destitute, The other was a guitarist as well.
Q - How do you make a guitarist's eyes light up?
A - Shine a flashlight in his ear.
Q - What's the difference between a guitar player and a bag of garbage?
A - The garbage gets taken out at least once a week.
Q - What type of fish makes your guitar sound better?
A - A tuner-fish.
Q - What's the difference between an extra large pizza and a guitarist?
A - None, they both can't feed a family of four.
Q - What do you get when you cross Yngwie with an octopus?
A - A guy that can play a Steve Vai transcription!
Q - What do you call a stressed guitar player?
A - Strung out!
Q - What's worse than telling jokes about guitarists?
A - Laughing at 'em.
Q - What did the guitarist say to his crying guitar?
A - Don't fret!
Q - What's the difference between a guitarist and a mutual fund?
A - One matures.
Q - What's the best thing to play on an acoustic guitar?
A - Solitaire.
Q - What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
A - He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
Q - What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common.
A - Both suck when you plug them in.
Q - How do you get two guitar players to play in perfect unison?
A - Shoot One.
Q - What's the difference between a guitar player and a Porsche?
A - Most musicians have never been a Porsche.
Q - How does a lead guitarist change a light bulb?
A - He holds it and the world revolves around him.
Q - Why bury guitar players 6 feet under?
A - Because deep down, they're all very nice people!
Q - What do you say to a guitar player in a 3-piece suit?
A - "Will the defendant please rise..."
Q - How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A - None. They just steal somebody else's light!
Q - Why do guitar players leave their capos on their dashboards?
A - So they can park in the handicapped spaces!
Q - Did you hear about the guitarist who was in tune?
A - Neither have I.
Q - What's the range of a Fender Strat?
A - Depends on how far you throw it.
Q - What do you call a guitarist who breaks up with his girlfriend?
A - Homeless.
Q - How can you tell a guitarist is at your door?
A - By the Dominos Pizza hat.
Q - What do a guitar solo and premature ejaculation have in common?
A - You know it's coming and there's nothing you can do about it.
Q - What would a guitarist do if he won a million dollars?
A - Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.
Q - How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A - 5, One to change the bulb, and four to say "I could have done better than that"
Q - How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A - Only one, but he'll go though a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.
Q - What's the difference between a fiddle & a violin?
A - Who cares - neither one's a guitar!
Q - Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car?
A - So they can park in the handicapped spot.
Q - What's the difference between an Electric Guitar and an onion ?
A - No one cries when you cut up an Electric Guitar.
Q - What's the difference between a Electric Guitar and a trampoline ?
A - You remove your shoes before jumping on a trampoline.
Q - What is a "nerd" ?
A - Someone who owns an Classical Guitar
Q - What's the difference between a lawn mower and an Electric Guitar?
A - You can tune a lawn mower.
Q - How many Electric Guitar players does it take to change a light bulb ?
A - Five, One to change it and four to discuss how Eric Clapton would have done it.
Q - How do you make a chain saw sound like an Electric Guitar ?
A - Add vibrato.
Q - What is a gentleman ?
A - Someone who knows how to play Heavy Metal Music but doesn't.
Q - What's the range for an Electric Guitar ?
A - About 20 yards if you have a good arm.
Q - How do you tell if an electric guitar is out of tune ?
A - If the strings are vibrating.
Q - Why is an electric guitar like a SCUD missile ?
A - Each is offensive and inaccurate.
Q - What's the difference between an Electric Guitar player and a dog ?
A - The dog knows when to stop Howling.
Q - What's the difference between a Electric Guitar and an Acoustic Guitar?
A - The Electric Guitar burns longer.
If you took all the Electric Guitar Players in the world and laid them end-to-end, it would be a heck of a good idea.
Q - If you drop an Electric Guitar Player and a watermelon off a tall building, which would hit the ground first ?
A - Who cares ?
Q - What is the first sign your Hallucinating?
A - Two electric guitar players are playing in tune.
Q - What do you call in "in-tune electric guitar"?
A - An oxymoron.
Q - What do you call a "Clean Shot"?
A - When you can throw an electric guitar into the toilet without hitting the seat.
Q - What's the difference between a guitar player and a certificate of deposit?
A - The certificate of deposit will eventually mature and make money.
Q - How can you tell if there is a guitarist at the door?
A - He knocks out of time, and comes in too early.
Three guitarists collaborated on a book of scales. Each contributed the one he knew.
Q - How many guitarists does it take to change a fluorescent tube?
A - Three, One to change it and the other two to tell him how much better incandescent bulbs are.
Q - What's the difference between a Stratocaster and a Les Paul?
A - A Stratocaster burns hotter; a Les Paul burns longer.
Q - What are the two most frequent heavy metal guitarist lies?
A - 1. I am not too loud! 2. I have already turned down!
Q - How can you tell if you're talking to a good guitarist?
A - He doesn't claim to be a bad-ass.
Q - How many electric guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
A - Two, but they stand so close to each other you'd swear they were going to kiss.
Did you hear about the guitarist who was going to a gig and locked his keys in the car? It took him two hours to get the drummer out....
Q - How do you make an electric guitar sound like an acoustic guitar ?
A - Sit in back and don't play.
Q - What is a stripper's favorite instrument?
A - A guitar -- the G string is thinner.
Q - Did you hear about the Irish Jazz Guitarist?
A - He was in it for the money!