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Better Site Than This - 2/3/05
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Of The Discerning Boozehound
And
how could we forget, my summer project that died the second day of
the holidays!
The
Better Halves World Tour 04/05
I
think i'm only really into designing pages, but once I have to
write any content, I can't be fucked. Maybe there is a job for
that if this robot uni thing doesn't work out.
-
Pablo!
Delta
Goodrem is worse than 50 Cent - 19/11/04
Okay, so last night, I was busy
cramming for an exam when I get rudely interrupted by someone
stomping and harrumphing around the empty house. It’s about 2:30
in the morning, and as everyone in my family sleeps like logs,
this concerns me. It turns out my sister was sleeping on my futon
downstairs and was “getting eaten alive by fleas”. I have a
filthy, filthy dog, that only sleeps where I do, so it sheds
pretty much everywhere I frequent, namely my bedroom, and the room
downstairs, as my beloved box-of-X is there. Anyways, I have slept
with this mutt every night for about 3 years now, and I’ve never
so much as seen a flea anywhere but on the damned dog. Now
anyways, after everyone wakes up later in the morning, a fight
erupts in the house over whether or not the dog should sleep
outside. I like my dog, and if the dog sleeps with me, I have an
excuse not to ever make my bed, or even bother putting sheets on
my mattress, hell, I just sleep on a mattress covered in clothes,
and it don’t get more comfortable than that.
Anyways, the relevance of all this, is that getting a lift to Uni
in the morning, things were slightly tense in the car, what with
the yelling and the stomping of the tiny feet and the hurtful
words and such. What with the icy atmosphere, I was far too scared
to change the CD and was forced to sit through Delta Goodrem’s
“Out of the Blue” on loop the entire drive. Fuck. I mean, really,
fuck. I could go into depths about simple errors made by this
song, but merely thinking about the shit that girl prattles on
about hurts my brain. I’ll give a simple breakdown of sample
verses, starting, simply enough, with the first one.
A new beginning, a new chapter of my life
Started the day, when I thought it could be my last
My eyes were wide shut but I, hadn't given up
Just thought I’d be walking, the world alone
I can’t even begin to point out the number of things that make
those 4 lines shit. Oh wait, yes I can. There is NO FUCKING
RHYMING STRUCTURE. FUCK. Life/Last? NO RHYME. Up/Alone? NO FUCKING
RHYME. Not even a two-line structure either. The worst part is,
those lines are MEANT to sound like the rhyme, but they, y’know,
don’t. What does this mean anyways? We know that Miss Goodrem is
referring to a new chapter in her life, which starts the day she
though it could be her last. Her last what? Last day? Last chapter
of her life? Last meal? Last rites? Her last chance to beg for
mercy before I knife her in the kidney? Lets hope so.
She then mention how her eyes were wide shut, blatantly ripping of
Kubrick’s film of the same name. Now, what I remember of the movie
is that Tom Cruise got naked and had an orgy with identically
dressed Hugo Weavings, although they were wearing masks, whilst at
the same time watching Nicole Kidman pee. Now if this isn’t the
sign of a sick mind crying out for help, I don’t know what is.
Delta mentions walking the world alone, AGAIN, obviously making
reference to the scene in Vanilla Sky in which Tom Cruise walks
through an empty Times Square. Obviously the poor girl has a
fixation on Tom Cruise, and also probably suffers from
claustrophobia, which would no doubt interfere with her hobbies of
watching Nicole Kidman pee (which would probably require visits to
cramped spaces from which to catch a prime view of the show), and
having sex with many, many Hugo Weavings, which would also
aggravate her condition.
So a mere few seconds into the song, we already have an insight
into a deeply troubled mind, with no sense of rhyming structure.
It is likely she has at some time suffered damage to the left side
of the Frontal Lobe, resulting in a form of productive aphasia,
which limits her ability to rhyme. I mean, 50 Cent can rhyme, and
he has been shot in the FACE. I think this calls for an example.
No emotions, my whole body felt like ice
Needed to feel, that the sun would shine my way
More Delta lyrics, not the lack of rhyming, and further references
to her icily calculating sociopathic tendencies beginning to form,
and possibly transforming her into Robert Carlyle in that Bond
Movie where he can’t feel pain. She also seems to be under the
illusion that she can control the weather, which is silly, as it
is well known that weather control is the sole domain of the
Russians.
 |
|
50 and myself, gentleman
scholars. (burning roof not pictured) |
If the roof on fire, let the motherfucker burn
If you talking bout money homie, I ain't concerned
Compare the lyrics of Delta Goodrem to the thought-out rhymes of
our old-friend Mr. Cent. 50 Cent. 50’s obvious nonchalant attitude
to the fact the very club he is in is ON FIRE shows just HOW
fantastically cool 50 is. I mean, personally, if I was in a club
and the roof was on fire, I would be panicking and screaming like
I was at a Great White concert. But not 50, oh dear no, I can
imagine it now…
Me: 50, you must come, the ROOF is on FIRE!
50: *Drinking from a .40* Let the motherfucker burn.
Me: Good sir, I am struck dumb by your profundity, you truly are a
king amongst men. *Tips hat*
You see? Comparing Delta Goodrem’s rhymes to that of 50’s would
make anyone look bad, but I felt the harshness of the comparison
was necessary to demonstrate just HOW brain damaged she really is.
- Pete
And now, a word from our
sponsor, NMEFan#10675:
Subject: Stuck in the metal...
...that is the Better Halves. Wow, man, I picked up this album
with a gift voucher from a distant birthday, and I have to say in
my highly respected musical opinion, it better than something
outrageously awesome, say lInKiN pArK. I loved them so much that
just had to tell rage to TURN THAT SHIT UP!
i just wanna to say that "bReAkInG tHe HaBiT" should be in the
top ten. or more like no. 1. you need to give the Better Halves a
go.
hey, give em' a go! give em' a go!
it's a great song, so just don't push them away with fuckin shit
music like that idiot who sings F.U.R.B. that's just crap. mega
crap.
so just stop leaving crap music on the charts and having them
there for 5 or more weeks, coz they get on peoples nerves.
especially a simple plan... any way that's all i got.
Moderator Comment:
rage plays the ARIA Top 50. This is compiled by ARIA based on
record sales.
That Moderator don't know shit, y'all.
The Better Halves are coming this
Summer...
Only idiots steal my ideas, M. Night Shyamalan is not an idiot -
4/9/04
 |
|
M. Night Shyamalan: not
an idiot |
The other day I was looking through
my Recycle Bin for porn or similar and I came across this English
Assignment I had deleted ages ago. I remember handing this in for
Year 12 English, because it ended with my trademark "The Fucking
End!". Come to think of it, that was probably the reason I only
got a HA for Year 12 English, damn, if only I wasn't so offensive
and terrible at English. Anyway, I was reading through this short
story and it was so like The Village, M. Night Shyamalan's
latest film.
Untitled English Short Story
 |
|
Joaquin Phoenix:
Stabbed. but then saved by a blind, love-crazed girl and
100+ years of previously unknown medical knowledge! |
Ever since Billy won his scholarship
to Crackton Grammar, one thing had scared him more than anything
else. It wasn’t schoolwork or the teachers or even being
discriminated again for being poor, it was Mr Hooch. Before the
scholarship, Billy would go to corner store, under the bridge,
then past the arcade into North Crackton, the poor side of town,
where he lived. Now being in South Crackton, the rich side of
town, he had to walk past Mr. Hooch everyday to get to the bus
stop, while the rich kids would drive past in the safety of their
BMWs. Legend has it that Mr. Hooch murdered his wife and three
children and at night you could still hear the screams. Whenever
Billy walked past Mr. Hooch’s house, Mr Hooch would cackle evilly.
This sent shivers down Billy’s spine.
Being a scholarship winner, Billy
was quite a smart young lad and because of this the rich kids
hated him. He never seemed to fit in. Bobby Jones was the most
popular boy in school; He was captain of the Rugby, Cricket and
Athletics teams and had always teased Billy because of his
circumstances. Each day the taunts grew more and more demeaning,
yet Billy never fought back, for the thought of Mr. Hooch was far
worse than any ill delivered insult.
One day Billy slept in and missed
the early bus, meaning he had to face Mr. Hooch during the day.
Billy got off the bus with the upmost caution, hiding behind
trees, army crawling, trying to avoid capture, but alas no
success.
 |
|
Mr. T stars as Mr.
Hooch |
“Hey you kid, stay in school” a
decrepit voice muttered
“I was just heading……….” Then it hit
him; he was talking to Mr. Hooch. Suddenly terrified he ran to
school. He could hear the evil cackle pierce the warm autumn air.
This made him run faster, right into Bobby Jones and his usual
associates.
“Hey povo, sick shoes, did your mum
buy them for you?” a booming voice snorted. This comment was
followed by the usual hi-5 slaps, Bobby then proceeded to turn
around and be on his way.
Not thinking, Billy suddenly
responded “Yeah, who else would?”
 |
|
Adrien Brody: Gets
increasingly more stabby / obsessive / insane with every
minute. Falls into a hole, hilarious! |
This enraged Bobby, “Are you being
smart with me, povo, you wanna fight?” Suddenly a crowd of at
least 100 people gathered around, each chanting “fight, fight,
fight”. Bobby, obviously caught up in the testosterone, cocked his
fists in battle stance. Billy wasn’t so sure, his first instinct
was to turn around and run. But to no avail, he had been cornered.
For the next 5 mins Billy was severely beaten, each blow was both
painful and embarrassing. Finally Bobby's attention span lapsed
and Billy was left at the entrance of the school in a pool of
blood. He looked skyward as it faded into black.
When he regained consciousness, he
found himself in front of a roaring fire wrapped in a tartan rug.
It smelled of naphthalene, which hinted to Billy that he was in an
elderly person's house. An old man entered the room carrying some
scissors; his face was hidden in the shadows of his hat. As he
approached closer Billy realised that the old man was Mr. Hooch!
Billy suddenly leapt from his chair yelling, “Please don’t kill
me, Please don’t kill me!”
“I wont kill you, the scissors are
to trim that bandage on your head” Mr. Hooch replied.
“Oh sorry its just……..” Billy
suddenly felt very uneasy
“I know, that rumour kept me
prisoner in my own home for 20 years and got me hooked on
painkillers”
“Well that explains the evil
chuckling, gee thanks for saving me”
“That’s ok, kid, who did this to you
anyway?”
“It was…….” A picture on the wall
caught his eye “Its was him!” pointing to the picture.
“Him?, he’s my Grandson, he comes
here when his father beats him”
“Oh…” Suddenly Bobby Jones burst in
yelling and screaming. As he approached the fire Billy could see
he was carrying a knife smeared with blood.
“I couldn’t take it anymore, I
couldn’t take it anymore, I killed him, I killed him”
“You killed who” replied Mr. Hooch
“Dad!!!!” Bobby then plunged the
knife into his chest and fell to the floor. Billy suddenly ran for
the street, he ran and ran, each stride was fuelled by his fear.
When he finally arrived home he burst into the house and went
straight to bed, hoping it was all a horrible dream.
But it was not; he awoke to the same
situation. When he exited the bus he saw a crowd of people around
Mr. Hooch’s house as well as 3 police cars and one ambulance. A
body was wheeled out, however it wasn’t young and strapping like
Bobby. Suddenly someone grabbed his shoulder. It was Bobby.
“Grandad left you this note” he
mumbled as he was carted away in the police van.
Billy opened the note, it read,
Don’t let them get you like they got me.
Herb (Mr. Hooch)
Billy looked into the sky and
screamed
“I won’t let them, Herb!”
The Fucking End!
Well I guess it was only similar to
the scene where Adrien Brody stabs Joaquin Phoenix in the stomach,
then in the heart. Ah shit, I just gave away the whole movie. Take
that M. Night! Go and see The Village, contrary to popular belief.
it's an excellent love story with supernatural themes interwoven
into it. In fact, "those we don't speak of" are hardly in the
movie, although they prove very important to the movies many
twists. Ah fuck, I did it again! Just stop reading now!
- Pablo!
Mr. T and
his youth control crew, Issue 1 - 18/6/04
Pablo's
Pad - "Over 15,000 hours TV experience since August 1998"
