So. Now you know the nasty bits - how do you cope with these?

Here are ReTroGrrl's top ten absolute essential methods for carers, spouses and relatives of ABI personages (from herein referred to as PWABI's - Person's With Acquired Brain Injury!)

Keep in mind statistics show that relationship breakdowns are high in these trying circumstances - If a woman is the PWABI, these figures treble so you guys need extra help!

	Laugh and the world laughs with you
	Cry and you just might cry alone
	Don't take it personally
	Summer Holiday
	Get connected
	Get organised
	Spoil a little, spoil a lot
	Keep it legal
	The dude upstairs
	Get by with a little help

Let's examine these under the microscope, shall we?

1. laugh.and.the.world.laughs.with.you :

Your best weapon by far is a sense of humour. If you don't have one already, then you may as well forget about the rest of the list, and crawl into the nearest hole. You just won't survive and neither will anyone within a range of 500 kilometres.

Sure it's a serious problem and a damn pain in the butt most of the time, but can you change the circumstances? Not really - it will be a long slow process of recovery - so you may as well learn to live as best as you can at this point in time.

Learn to laugh about the absurdities ; let the PWABI laugh too - they are going to do some pretty silly things so everyone may as well get some mileage out of it ; In doing so, some stress is relieved and the PWABI is able to relax and realise that they are going to make mistakes but that it is okay to do so - that they will not be punished or ridiculed as a consequence ...

Being laughed at and being ridiculed are not the same thing.

PWABI's can do some pretty funny stuff. Like -

	Forget that they put dinner in the oven 3 hours ago (Overcooked pizza makes a great frisbee, spare tyre or pot plant stand)
	Tell the same jokes that you told them an hour ago (hey - it wasn't that funny first time around!)
	Become obsessed with cheese (or anything else - peculiar or not!)
	Provide new methods for draining swimming pools (by puncturing them with a garden stake! Solutions to other problems are equally innovative)
	Get flustered at the McDonalds drive in and order one cheeseburger and one small coke (for 4 people!)
	Leave the car in reverse (on a steep incline - maybe that's not so funny ..)
	Forget to pick you up from work (despite 397 yellow sticky notes stuck to their forehead)
	Fill the car with petrol, but forget the pin number for the ATM card. (Therefore must leave security at the Petrol station - chooses to leave your small daughter aged 6 - definately not funny at the time)
	Decide to a bit of gardening (and decimate the only flower bed you actually have left)
	Leave the laundry taps running(soggy carpet!)
	< Insert your own funny stuff here >

2. cry.and.you.just.might.cry.alone :

PWABI's cry. You cry. If it's okay to laugh then it's okay to cry. Sometimes the carer has a job to do and can't afford to cry at the time they are upset - that's okay too, but be careful to find the time to examine your own feelings. Support organisations are usually there at the beginning, but over time this contact can be lost. It is important to have someone to talk to - whether that be a friend, a mum or dad, a counsellor, a pastor or a professional.

Even if coping is not a problem, it can be nice just to have someone else understand the peculiarities of life with a PWABI - it stops carers from feeling isolated or having to bear the problems all by themselves. (What is often not realised is that it is not just the PWABI whose life has suddenly changed. The whole family is affected and turned upside down - carers need to re-evaluate their future plans, career, and home life. This can create just as great a sense of loss as the PWABI experiences). There are lots of ABI sites on the net - set up by people who have themselves (or a family member) experienced ABI ; most offer the opportunity to have a bit of a chat over a cup of cyber-tea .... ReTroGrrl doesn't mind a bit of email either

Despair does not discriminate.
You have a perfectly good right to be upset at life!

3. don't.take.it.personally :

This is the hard part.

PWABI's go through many stages in the process of recovery, as has been fully documented elsewhere. They suffer extremes of behaviour and personality - sometimes they realise this at the time, but more often than not, they don't.

Therefore, the carer is often faced with a mean, ornery nasty pasty who thinks they are perfectly alright thankyou very much. They don't need no dude pushin' them around, telling them when to have a nap, when they are behaving inappropriately, how they could be improving themselves ... they are fine and dandy and you can just buzz off.

Unfortunately for you - this is normal for a PWABI. And yet it is one of the most difficult things to come to terms with. Here is this person whom you love, who perhaps was the dearest, most gentle person suddenly turned into the Tasmanian Devil! And it is often such a sudden change, triggered by an insignificant incident - hey, how were you to know they wanted to wear the red socks today??

These times of rage, perhaps even violence and potty-mouth language must, like an exploding rocket, have somewhere to dissipate - and who better to aim all this stuff at than the poor, unsuspecting carer, standing distractedly in the corner? It's Ready, Aim, Fire all the way .... sometimes 3, 4, 5 times a day.

Whaddya do? Rage as well? Most likely. Get upset? Probably - it is so hard not to take all this as a personal assault. We humans rely heavily on our past learning, and pre-ABI the PWABI would only have behaved like this in dire circumstances and in this case, the arguments WOULD have been personal. It is almost impossible to disassociate from the past, and remember that this behaviour is purely a symptom of the head injury. The PWABI does not really mean it, they just can't cope.

You will have to think of yourself as a bit of a Nanny ("Oh, Mr Sheffield!") with a little beast to look after - Mary Poppins we are all not, but we do need to be supercalifragilisticexpialidocius as much as we can!

At these times, you may as well be a stranger - so try to step back, take a deep breath and consider the following:

Is the issue at hand really worth pursuing at this time? If not - then beat a hasty retreat and leave it til later (after the PWABI's nap is a good bet ...)

If it is important, sure, pursue the matter, but be consistent in the way you do so. Don't follow the rages of the PWABI, it is a dangerous path to tread ... and treading lightly is the key

Be calm. Be calm. Be calm. Be calm (got it?)

How about using some predetermined key phrase ... for instance, our PWABI was in a rage one day during a phone call. Fortunately the answering machine was on at the time and recorded most of the conversation. Now, ReTroGrrl had tried to describe his behaviour during these times - unsuccessfully as he could not comprehend how he could possibly change personality so drastically.

Hey presto! The answering machine did the trick and he was able to witness the transformation at first hand.

Consequently, "answering machine" became a catchphrase whenever one of these situations evolved .... it did not solve the entire problem, but by saying the magic words "answering machine" things calmed down and the PWABI paused to take a look at his behaviour. (Maybe a tape recorder might be a good purchase?)

4. summer.holiday :

Absence makes the heart grow fonder - it also gives it a break, man! Take a vacation - or better yet, get THEM to take a vacation

It is really truly important to take time out whenever you can - now that does not mean heading off on a luxury cruise - though of course that would be nice! It really just means making the most of solitude when you can - even if it is at home on a saturday morning. When the PWABI is able to get out and about by themselves, encourage them to do so.


If there are relatives or friends they might like to visit - arrange it. But you stay at home. You will be surprised at how restorative a week by yourself can be - noone else to be responsible for, no-one to badger, clean up after, organise and get frustrated with. Freedom from the heavy burden of living someone else's life for them. Bliss!

5. get.connected :

We guess any hobby or other interest would suffice - but, hey the internet is the best - right? Plus if you join chat groups (like talk.com) you get to meet other people - sometimes in similar circumstances. Even the ability to email is a blessing in disguise - no more extravangant phone bills, while still being able to get your feelings off your chest to friends and family.

ICQ is a great little program which can be quickly downloaded - with this you can make and keep particular net friends, and contact them anytime they are on the internet.

Computer games are fun and offer the weary mind a chance at distraction - thinking games like MYST, Zork Nemesis, Buried in Time are highly recommended - or for a bit of nonsense maybe Sam & Max, or for a bit of shoot-em-up - Duke Nukem or Wing Commander. (Take your frustrations out on Duke instead of the PWABI!)

6. get.organised :

PWABI's have great trouble with memory problems, multitasking and the like so guess who gets to be the Big Chief? That's right - you do! This means that you will now become the leader of the pack - organising daily tasks, paying bills, insurance, solicitors, home maintenance. You name it.

If you are not already adept at doing this kinda stuff - then it may be a little difficult. Believe us though, it won't take long and everything will be under control. Here are some handy hints : Anything that helps - get it ...

	Those little yellow sticky note thingys (as many as it takes)
	Whiteboards, blackboards, pinboards - one of each (place strategically)
	Fridge magnets - tasteless but mandatory (Pwabis spend a lot of time in front of the fridge)
	Diary or FiloFax - one for you and one for the Pwabi
	Filing cabinet (1); Colored dividers (100) (for bills, legal documents, chocolate stash)
	Calenders (one large - horsies are always nice)

Take a class in personal finance management - go see the bank manager - ask for a referral from the Rehab. people ... If you can't manage money you'll get into trouble fast

Set routines - Pwabi's function better when they have a routine they can rely on : it is a great stabilising factor in their now unstable life

Give the Pwabi some task/s - whatever they can cope with (washing dishes, cleaning the car), in this way they gain self esteem in feeling important and useful - and it's one thing less you have to worry about!

Don't let anyone railroad you - Doctor's (especially specialists) and other 'professionals' can talk a lot of mumbo jumbo and treat you like an unimportant blot on the horizon - you have as many rights as they do on this planet. If an issue is not clear - make it so.

If this means being a pest, so what? ... this is the rest of your lives you are dealing with. Family can also try to push their perspective onto to you and the Pwabi - but remember, you are the one who has to live with the difficulties - not them! You're gonna be a lean, mean fightin' machine - Now don't get nasty, just be firm. If you were meek and mild previously, this whole experience can be a positive, empowering time for you - and that's good!

Find some reliable handymen, mechanics etc .... the last thing you need to worry about is the house falling down around you .... don't let maintenance get too far behind. Otherwise, at some point just the thought of the gardening, servicing the car, painting that room, fixing those taps becomes as a heavy burden on your shoulders - it all seems too much to cope with. Whereas, a little here and a little there keeps things ticking along.

If you are a woman - get out and buy yourself a heavy duty whippersnipper - with the goggles and the gloves! Nothing like it for engendering a feeling of being in control - you can do it!. If you are a man - whip out that sewing machine and fix the damn trousers yourself! Nothing like it for engendering a feeling of being homey and sensitive - you can do it! (And you don't need goggles and gloves either!)

7. spoil.a.little.spoil.a.lot :

Make sure you get to do what you want to do once in a while - make sure the Pwabi does too. A box of chocolates, a picnic at the beach, a new computer game ... whatever it may be that makes you really happy - arrange it. This kind of attitude goes a long way towards creating a sense of non-desperation ...

8. keep.it.legal :

Unless you have watched a lot of Perry Mason - the legal world is likely to be a bit of a mystery. There may be issues of compensation, fair treatment, insurance - the safest thing to do is to find a reliable and friendly solicitor to keep an eye on things for you. If you never really need to use his/her services - great! But it's no good waiting til things are in a legal mess before trying to find one while all in a tizzy.

Keep this legal eagle informed of everything that goes on - fax/post copies of every and any document involved with 'the case' - whether that be letters to Doctors, Rehab staff, medical reports, Insurance documents - whatever. It's also a good idea to write a review of the Pwabi's progress - simply from your own observations - at regular intervals - and to send these as well. This provides a running chronicle that can be referred to at anytime. It is also another means towards empowering you - it is easy to feel helpless in the whole system of red tape and legalese. By putting down your experiences in writing, you get a sense of having 'had your say' - it may seem a little thing to do, but it is very important.

All of the above serves only to protect you and yours - it can be a bad ol' world out there and not everyone is out for your best interests. If you can cover all bases, you are safer in the long run. Sometimes these situations can continue for 3,5,10 years - how can you remember what was discussed 3 years ago if there is no record of it?. (We can't remember last week!) Once again, make sure you understand all issues involved - and don't let anyone bully you!

9. talk.to.the.dude.upstairs :

God is a cool dude - he won't mind you having a bit of a chat with him. This is good for letting off a bit of steam, providing some hope for the future, just having someone to talk to.

It's also helpful to feel that there is a purpose somewhere in all this mess, and that someone else is looking out for your interests.

10. get.by.with.a.little.help :

If, like ReTroGrrl, you're a pretty independent kinda person, it can be very difficult to accept offers of help from friends, family and other bods. Take our advice and fight your natural instincts! Accept what is offered when it is offered - as time goes on people forget and someway down the track when things are getting on top of you, you'll kick yourself for being so stubborn.

Remember, it may be years before any kind of normality creeps back into your lives ... don't just be thinking of the short term - YEARS can mean 1 to 5 or more.