The dope on dope: a personal experience

As a former pothead I want to come out of the cupboard to tell my tale of wonder and disappointment; the highs and lows of several years spent ensconsed in a grey haze of hash and dope. The story presented here is designed to inform potential users of marijuana by giving a genuine personal account of its long term effects. An ex-smoker (myself) may have much greater educational credibility on this drug than government institutions, which are after all always distrusted by the true paranoid dope fiend.

The author is tentatively for the legalisation of marijuana, on liberal principles, but with the provision that its social use is accompanied by strong public health and psychological warnings about its possible side effects.

Long descent into hell of a good time

I started smoking dope seriously when I was 27, after a traumatic relationship experience and due in part to the company I was keeping at the time. I stopped smoking at the age of 30.Although I'd made some previous attempts at trying to find out about the 'virtues' of dope, it was only in this period that persistent use gave me a strong desire to consume marijuana every day, in order to experience its mind-altering effects. The first few attempts were quite unsuccessful because it just made me nauseous and self-conscious. But after a while the moods started to kick in.

The fugitive culture of dope, in terms of its illegality, became the basis for a sense of community among my peer group of students and unemployed dropouts. This drug was an important part of social rituals and gave a sense of belonging and warmth, while seeming to make the atmosphere especially laid back and relaxed.

My mother, who found out about the smoking, warned of the dangers. She produced several research papers from studies made in America in the 1960s, indicating that marijuana had nasty side effects. It supposedly led to impotence, reduced short term memory, was addictive and highly carcinogenic. I brushed this information aside, knowing in my mind that this research was scientific propaganda promoted by a reactionary and conservative establishment.

Like every dope smoker I knew, I believed dope is not addictive. The benefits of marijuana far outweigh the alleged negative effects. However I did begin to recognise during my many drugged stupors that much of the colloquial language surrounding this drug had negative implications about the marijuana experience. Being "stoned" means feeling like a stone: lethargic and immobile. Dope makes you feel dopey or stupid while it sometimes makes you "freak out" or feel paranoid and "out of it". This last phrase has a real ambiguity about the benefits of marijuana: the feeling that you're not "with it", alert and lucid.

While smoking, I had many great philosophical and creative ideas. But they always disappeared when I tried to capture them on paper. At other times, when I did write stuff down, the ideas seemed completely banal once I read them back when I was 'sober'. I also began to discover that I couldn't deal with stress, even though initially dope had helped me to cope with stress. Performing simple tasks of managing my life took a lot of mental energy. I began to feel emotionally retarded.

When my former lover tried to patch up our relationship to make a new start, I found myself unable to talk. It was too much to think about and I would just giggle stupidly when she confronted me with personal issues. Basically, while the drug had initially helped me to cope with emotional stress and depression, now I would run a mile from conflict situations. 'Don't stress me out....man!'

Stoned out at rock bottom

After being a chronic and complacent smoker for 2 years I slowly started to seriously question the whole dope phenomenon.

One particular incident was to have an important influence on awakening my final opposition to this drug. A professional friend who had smoked dope for 10 years every day went to a doctor for a medical and mental condition. She had not smoked for several days as her illicit supply had run out. She came home extremely irate, saying that the doctor had insulted her. He had recommended she take Valium for her nerves. I realised from that day on that marijuana was much like "mother's little helper", the cocktail of prescription drugs taken by suburban housewives in the 1960s. Looked at objectively, dope resembles a kind of green Valium or Bex powder. Our alternative cultural glorification of this drug is no more glamorous than these mundane mainstream pharmaceuticals. Its a natural sedative...but a sedative nonetheless.

Dope lost an edge of its alternative kudos on that day. From this experience and several others I pieced together a resolution to stop smoking but found it very difficult to even imagine quitting. I had feelings of despair and a fear of extreme emptiness. Could I face day to day life without this drug? What would it be like to face mundane reality... straight? It seems ganja was addictive after all.

All my friends were potheads and I refer here to people who were bureaucrats, medical professionals and lawyers. When visiting these smokers they always insisted on my joining them for a 'toke'. Peer group pressure was extreme and they considered me petulant for not wanting to join in. I felt alienated from my smoking friends despite the overt sense of community.

When I did finally manage to give up dope it was only in the context of starting a new relationship which gave me the inner strength to move on. I realised within the following year that the conversations of the dopeheads was extremely boring. It invariably revolved around the subject of marijuana as if it was some magical spiritual weed. Conspiracy theories abounded as to the origins of its illegality. Must be a government conspiracy to keep people ignorant!!

The subliminal fear of every smoker, that the 'community' is only cemented by the drug itself, had come true. The people in this circle were insular, unduly paranoid and socially bigoted. They hadn't had an original thought in years. They were incapable of making any positive changes in their ossified attitudes. They weren't really even friends - just compatriots on the same shipwreck.

I initially felt lonely because I literally had to start a new life. But the good thing was that my new life had a genuine hard-edged clarity. I started to trust my own beliefs. I also accepted that the scientific literature about marijuana was true, because I had seen it with my own eyes.

I also met other ex-smokers who had swum to the opposite shore. One said that he felt that he had permanent brain damage from smoking. Another friend had in desperation secretly gone on a drug rehabilitation program. It is still a long journey of self discovery and pain for him, because the drug had buffered him against self analysis and development for about 10 years. As well as this, the money spent on this drug over the years was enough to put a deposit on a house or buy a new car.

Over the last few years several radio stations have played a spate of songs glorifying marijuana usage. It is usually reggae tunes and black rap music which glamorise this drug as anti-establishment and cool. The current promotion of hemp clothing as an alternative material, good for saving the planet, takes this culture even further onto centre stage legitimacy. Such pro-dope propaganda does a disservice to people who have been in my position and certainly to anyone who is more impressionable than I was.

Je ne regrette rien...just barely.

Despite the opposition I have developed to marijuana I wouldn't discourage people from using this substance at some time in their life. It would be dishonest to say that I completely regret my dope smoking years. The feelings which this drug helped to foster, like ecstasy is also alleged to do, involved a sense of community and solidarity and affection. (Its also true that marijuana can have some aphrodisiac qualities!)

But it is simply important that people are under no illusion about the full effect of dope. It is very hard for governments to do this job as (potential) dope smokers have an almost intrinsic distrust of governments. At the same time, dedicated dope smokers and certainly dealers, have no interest in admitting to its stultifying and mind numbing effects. It's against the ethics of the drug to 'stress out' over its negative aspects.

For those who wish to experiment with this drug I have one major suggestion. Set a time limit on your planned consumption such as two or three years and then make sure you stop. To smoke for ten years or more is to risk a brain alteration that will take a lifetime to repair.