Sexual eyes paint a thousand intentions

Eyes are commonly seen as a means to see. But eyes are also a means of communication and they can communicate, even when this is not their intention.

This page looks at the subject of the sexual context of the eye contact between men and women.

Eye contact has subtle but clear sexual distinctions that reveal the unique symbiotic interaction and power between men and women. The aim here is to gain a greater insight into the meaning of eye contact and its revelation on aspects of social power.

The universal context of eye contact

It has to be said from the outset that there are ways of looking by men and women that do not necessarily have an obvious sexual context. Some looking between people is universal in that both men and women can easily interpret what they are looking at and they can both recognise the same meaning of being looked at. In any case, much of what will be said below has some universal application. It is only because certain ways of looking have become so stereotyped that they are attributed to one sex alone. (Eye contact also does not refer only to the meeting of eyes. When I speak of eye contact here the intention is to include the observance by one individual of another.)

Common and widely recognised forms of looking include the look of anger or fear or elation. When an individual is angry it is usually done with a furrowed brow and most anger is clearly expressed at somebody else. Disapproval is another milder version of disapproval and so people try to scrutinise the face of another person to gauge whether they have done something wrong.

Humiliation is another universal eye contact issue. A humiliated person often looks downward and thereby away from the person who has perhaps judged them. The subject of humiliation therefore avoids eye contact. That person is looked at, scrutinised, judged. They momentarily lose the right or power to have the courage to look. We have also developed a language to reflect such situations and that is why we might say, "I couldn't look him in the eyes."

All these above examples form part of a myriad of social forms of eye contact and looking. However they are forms that are generalised. Of interest to this discussion is the subject of sexual eye contact specifically and what analysis of the subject can teach us about sexual conduct and power. For this purpose it is appropriate to firstly divide eye contact between a few different categories.

Sexual eye contact by men of women (first contact)

Men look at women for a number of reasons, even within the context of sexual looking. Firstly it is probably true that most men look at a woman initially in order to make an assessment of her attractiveness as a woman. If he is single he may attempt to make a judgement about her quality as a sexual subject and a potential sexual partner. He may do so even if he is already with another female.

The looking by a male is then a qualitative and aesthetic scrutiny. It involves a myriad of pieces of social, biological and subjective pieces of information that he processes in his mind. This is the basis for his behaviour towards her. If she is attractive he may approach her. But he may equally be afraid of approaching her because she is too attractive and too high above him in social status or it may be inappropriate in that situation. These decisions are all affected by the context in which he sees her. They depend on how she is dressed and where the seeing occurs. Is it at a nightclub or at work, or on a track in a forest or at a supermarket?

In the first instance the male look at a woman can be viewed as a harmless assessment of a woman, one that attempts to gain a perspective on her relative social position. There are however more intense looks that involve a more invasive implication. This is especially true when the male has an interest in seduction or sexual contact or a curiosity about her potential feelings toward him. In this case he is hoping to see whether the woman may have sexual feelings toward him that might not only be flirtatious. The ultimate reciprocity would involve actual sexual activity, but in any case, the more intense look involves the male seeing the woman as an actual sexual agent.

There is a tendency in many cultures for men to see women very frequently as sex objects. By this is meant that the woman is seen in the context of her sexual availability, her ability to have sexual contact and her status as a sexually active human. Many men therefore are constantly looking at women with what can be described as hungry eyes that reveal their sexual interest. These men look so keenly that it could be described as an offensive look, intrusive and in some cases intimidating.

"I would stroll down the boulevards and try to catch the eye of every passing woman.
I never, as the saying goes, 'undressed them' with my glance, nor did I feel any carnal desire for them. In that feverish state, which might have inspired another, say to write poetry, I would simply stare into the eyes of all women walking in the other direction and wait for a similarly terrifying, wide-eyed look in response. I never accosted a woman who responded with a smile, because I knew that anyone who smiled at a look like mine could only be a prostitute or a virgin."
from, Novel with Cocaine by M. Ageyev, (Picador, London, 1985): 65.

Eyeballing and oggling

It almost looks as if some men think that if they stare hard enough and long enough that the woman who is looked at will notice him and that something will happen. This type of looking at women is in some cases accompanied by whistles, in order to further provoke the woman's interest and in order to draw her attention, to get her to look back and acknowledge the look. If she does look then she has provided him with a signal that she may not have intended to give. In a sense the males who do this are cheating at the game of eye contact. They are using a certain social bravado available in some cultures as a means of 'quasi-seduction', because in most cases the behaviour is not actually seductive, but more likely to shift toward annoyance and intimidation.

The look from men can be an indirect act of sexual aggression. This particular context is so pervasive in some countries that this version of looking by men has a cultural normality. It becomes the sort of look women often expect.

There is also a reaction in societies to this issue in the eye contact that men make of women. This includes some men attempting to cultivate civilised eye contact toward women. They may ensure that their eye contact is not overly intrusive. At the extreme some societies have covered women up so that there is little left to look at. In those Moslem societies where women are covered from head to foot in shapeless black cloth much of the logic of men's eye contact has been disempowered.

The looking by men at women is not just an expression of male power. It is a very fluid issue. When men look at women it is indicative of women's interest to men as sexual subjects. It is indicative of women's sexual power. This becomes more evident once the subject of women's looking has been explored.

Sexual eye contact by women of men (first contact)

The looking at men by women is a peculiar and contradictory phenomenon. In the context of men's frequently aggressive looking at women it appears that in many western societies, and probably in most others, women have developed a habit of brief and furtive visual assessments of men. At least this is true in public situations and in which women are going about their ordinary activities.

Women rarely look at men directly for a prolonged period. When walking down the street women tend to keep their eyes ahead of them and when men pass women tend to mask any overt look at the male. At least this is the case in many western cultures. The more confident and mature the sexual relations between men and women are, the less likely that this is the norm.

If women rarely stare at men and men stare often, does this mean that women are less sexual, less prone to sexual interest? No. Women achieve their sexual assessments in a briefer period of time. It is as if women are more attuned to making a judgement and then sublimating their interest, their fascination in men. Women are generally far more sureptitious than men in objectifying. But they do it nevertheless.

Women rarely stare at men. Yet ironically our society has visual media images of women that show them constantly staring. From magazine covers to video clips we see intense looks from women. They stare at the public from the newsagent magazine counters either with a persistent ambiguous gaze that alerts our interest. Or they look in a way that is overtly sexual to the point where we call them "bedroom eyes".

The media representation of women's looking bears little resemblance to what happens in reality. What this symbolic representation indicates is that women's gaze is a very powerful marketing tool. Women's look sells as much as does women's beauty. This is partly because the look from women is so frequently interpreted as sexually promising or exciting. And just as important is the fact that women are attracted to those very same magazines.

Men tend to fetishise women by worshipping their bodies and their looks but women do not do the reciprocal. Ironically women are equally absorbed in their appearance to men: how they look, how they are viewed by men. This indicates that men's looking women "up and down" is frequently important as a way for women to obtain contact with men.

How can eyes be "bedroom eyes"?

What makes eyes sexually inviting? Even though the eyes of women in seductive poses show passivity, the fact of their contact and the fact of women's pervasive normal lack of eye contact makes actual eye contact more inviting. Strangely, the fact of looking by women becomes an invitation, by default. This is because sexual eye contact is otherwise so rarely seen. When a woman looks at a man, especially when it is persistent, it suggests her signalling social/sexual interest. No wonder that eye make-up represents such a vital part of women's repertoire of appearance enhancements.

Many men look for the woman's eye contact, any manifestation, or clue, as the basis for himself to act. Ironically, this enhances and maintains the peculiar eye relationship that men and women maintain as strangers. The more significant that women's eye contact is, the more important it becomes for women to neutralise their eye contact and minimise it.

Love at first sight

Much emphasis has been laid so far on the minimising of eye contact and its apparent imbalance. But there are also instances where men and women overtly negate all their customary habits. This happens especially when there is an immediate strong attraction between them.

Why do people experience love at first sight? It is probably largely because they see into the eyes of the other persons and subconsciously recognise qualities in them that are transmitted by the eye alone, or in connection with slight facial gestures and 'postures'. This recognition may be limited to also recognising the returning desire transmitted by the other person. There is a mutual recognition of non-aggressive looking. In this case it is very simple. However it may include the awareness of the other person's level of conscious waking. Intelligence and kindness are detectable in the eyes.