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TITLE: I Never Expected To Be Home… I Never Expected To Be Home... Jack sits on the floor of his house with a beer in his hand. The TV is off, the lights are off. It's just him, his beer, and his thoughts. I never expected to be home. Already the memories of the months on Edora are fading. As if it were a dream from which he had awakened and gone out into his life and forgotten. Perhaps it was a dream. Perhaps he should have continued dreaming. God, I wish he'd never come back! On the floor of his living room, he jerks, feeling the knife in him twist. Another long swig from the bottle dulls the ache a little - just a little. Way to spend your first night back home, Jack. He'd hoped, ah, he'd hoped to spend it with his friends. Teal'c had come to see him in the infirmary while the Doc was checking him over. The big man laid a gentle hand on his shoulder. "It is good to have you back, Colonel O'Neill." "It's good to be back, Teal'c. Where's Daniel and Carter?" For a moment, Teal'c looked disconcerted, before he answered, "Daniel Jackson has gone home for the day. I believe that Major Carter has done the same." Huh. They hadn't even waited around to see that he was okay! Boy, were they in for it once he got off base! He pestered Janet until gave she him clearance to leave the mountain. His tests came up perfectly normal - his cardio results were better and his muscle-mass had increased, but after the manual labor he'd done on Edora, that was no surprise. "Just don't drive home, Colonel. Get one of the marines to drop you off." He nodded, and jumped off the bed with some of his old ebullience. Strange how naturally he slipped back into some habits after three months of absence. Strange how other habits completely eluded him after three months of absence. Almost at the door, the Doc addressed him, "Colonel." "Doc?" He turned and met the stern blue gaze. "Leave Major Carter alone for a while. She's a very tired astrophysicist right now." Now how by all that was holy had she known that he'd been contemplating that very thing? And there was something curious about the way she'd looked at him as she said it. He shook the feeling that the Doc could see through him like a pane of glass and gave her his best cocky grin. "I will." He lied. No way was Carter going to escape his thanks for everything she had done to get him back. Not a chance. Not in a thousand years. Not a snowflake's hope in hell. But he'd go and give Daniel a razz first. Wind Danny-boy up a bit, and remind himself how good it was to be home. God, he'd missed his friends. He got the marine to take him as far as Daniel's place. But Danny-boy wasn't in. So Jack called a taxi and headed for Sam's house. In spite of the Doc's warning, he'd bang on her door until she let him in. He'd thank her for her work, and then…and then… And then he'd leave and let her get the sleep she deserved. All he wanted was to see her again. Clearly see her, not through the haze of his time on Edora. So he told himself. He parked on the street, walked up to the door, raised his hand to knock and heard her furious cry. "God, I wish he'd never come back!" His hand dropped to his side, suddenly nerveless. He dropped his forehead to the wood of the door in sudden bewilderment and heard the gentleness of a man's voice murmuring her name. It twists him up now, as it twisted him up standing outside her door. He dreamed of her on Edora. Dreamed of her and Daniel and Teal'c. Wondered if they were out there, gating through the stars, as he never again would. Remembered their faces, their voices, their laughter, and their camaraderie. Remembered their friendship and their purpose. Those dreams had kept his hope alive at first, but when the days ground into weeks and the weeks ground into months, he had put them away and refused to look at them any longer. Hope had withered, and the dreams had stung more than they had helped. Who was he kidding? Beautiful, brilliant Major Sam Carter with a degree in astrophysics and a heart as pure as crystal, and old, scarred Colonel Jack O'Neill who'd been in black ops and a POW and had a smart mouth and stains all over his soul? Get back down to Edora, Jack. Ground down by more than just time, he had let the memories go. Of Earth, and of his team, and particularly of Sam. Laira was no Sam. She would never understand all that he was or all that he had been. She would never soar the way Sam would - passionately driven by her dreams and the endless quest for knowledge. But Sam was as far away as Earth - as the stars that gleamed in the heavens above. While he walked among the stars he had dared to dream; but once anchored to the ground he had seen the futility of such fancies. Laira was there by his side, never quite understanding his despair, just supporting him in the only way she knew how. And he responded in the only way she wanted. He and Laira were much the same: older and worn down by time and hardship. He went to her as a kindred spirit, as a man seeking company and companionship. Love takes many forms, reveals itself in many ways. Yes, he loved Laira. She was a quiet spirit, easy-going and content. But she belonged to his time on Edora, and he had known that even as he asked her to come back with him. Jack was a man caught between worlds. Two men warred inside him, one older and hard-bitten with all the hungry memories of Earth. One newer and quieter, with all the yearnings for an easier life and an easier way. The two would never reconcile within him, so he had left the quiet part of his soul in Laira's keeping and returned through the Stargate to Earth. Don't lie to yourself, Jack. You returned through the Stargate to her. He puts the empty bottle on the floor and wraps his arms around himself. He never thought that coming home would hurt so much. I dreamed of you, Sam. I dreamed of your smile and your eyes and your voice explaining something I didn't understand and the angle of your head as you studied some new technology we brought through the gate. Did you dream of me? At least in the beginning? According to the General, Sam started the project to rescue him with grim determination and had rarely let up in the time since. "The only people who could pull her from her work were Dr. Jackson and Teal'c." And what did Daniel do to pull Sam from her work? How did he induce Sam-the-workaholic to drag her attention from the rescue of a man who was a billion miles away? His mind claws at him, wondering what things were said, what things were done… You're being paranoid, Jack. Too much time spent in black ops. But it fitted. Oh God, it fitted. Sam's avoidance, he understood. There was something between him and her, if only the chemistry of attraction. He'd seen the stiffness in her gait as she walked back to the Stargate, and knew that she'd seen Laira. She'd known what he'd done and she'd erected the barrier between them. That, he could accept, albeit painfully. But Daniel…Daniel of all people should have understood the pull to belong from his time in Abydos. Daniel should have been there to look at him with the eyes of a child, and touch his shoulder and say, "Good to have you back, Jack." Daniel whose wife had died nearly half a year ago. Daniel who left the base early without seeing his returned friend and ran to Sam. And Teal'c…Teal'c must have known…or at least suspected. Why else the moment of uncertainty that shone in the Jaffa's eyes when asked where Daniel and Sam were? God, I wish he'd never come back! Sam… Daniel's voice in her house, Daniel's car sitting out the front. Of all the things he'd dreamed on Edora, this was not one of them. His two closest friends, grown closer by his absence, finding solace with each other… Daniel in Sam's arms and in Sam's bed and in Sam's body. It aches, a physical pain that tears through him and leaves him gasping. I never expected to get home. He's been hurt by two people he loves, by their interaction with each other. He'll keep loving them, but it will be a slow journey back to the way things were. But he'll get there. Someday. * FINIS |
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