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TITLE: It's Always 'Sir'. It's Always 'Sir' Jonas died. It's like a scar that occasionally hurts and reminds her of what she did to gain it. And all she did was return his ring and tell him she was sorry, but she couldn't marry him. Men have died and the worms have eaten them, but not for love. Did she have a hand in the unhinging of his mind? She doesn't think so, but it gnaws at her anyway. He was always a little crazy, a little wild. It was one of his attractive qualities to begin with. A risk-taking profile, with an edgy streak that came from years of Black Ops. But the longer she knew him, the less comfortable she felt about him. The more she came to sense that she was an obsession to him, not a person: his guiding light, his guardian angel. He put her on a pedestal and worshipped the ground she walked on - and it made her nervous. The time on P3X-513 only reinforced her understanding of his obsession with her. After seeing what she did to one man, she's reluctant to let others close. Daniel and Teal'c are safe. Their easy friendship is no threat to her self-possession. It's the Colonel she's afraid of.a Not as a person, but as a woman. He's always been a little crazy, a little wild. It's one of his attractive qualities. A risk-taking profile, with deep scars and dark places in him from years of Black Ops. And the longer she knows him, the more comfortable she is around him - the more uncomfortable she becomes with the way she feels about him. To retain her professional composure, she has to keep him at arm's length. So it's always 'sir'. Still, she can't resist the smile. She's not sure there's a woman born who can completely resist that smile. Rough-hewn soldier with a boy's shy charm. Certainly the women off-planet can't keep away from him. Those that don't swoon at Daniel's instinctive sweetness and open manner tend to fall into the Colonel's arms - or at least cling to his side. Maybe they envision him as the knight in shining armour who'll sweep them off their feet. Sam knows better. She's had the door of his mind slam shut on her as he locked her out of his pain. He's unleashed the full extent of his sarcasm on her and left her to deal with the sharp edges of his words cutting deep into her psyche. She's watched him struggle with his demons and lose, letting them swallow him whole in fear and aching loss and pain. She's seen the man who hides behind walls of sarcasm and military toughness; and she's seen the man who yearns for beauty and truth and honesty but believes it beyond him after all that he has done. Somehow he lives with his shadows. Colonel Jack O'Neill has fought and survived. He did his duty and made his mistakes, but he didn't let the nightmares make him into a cold-hearted bastard who commands men like chess pieces and feels as little for them as does the chess master. It takes a toll on him few people see, but to forget his human side would make him less than the man he must be to look himself in the mirror and not feel shame at the eyes that stare back at him. He lets her see - sometimes. The stubborn refusal to give up in the face of incalculable odds. The determination to get his team out of every mission alive. The fierce protectiveness towards those with whose care he is charged. Like shattered fragments of a mirror showing glimpses of an image no longer whole, the facets of his soul are displayed to her and their team-mates. He plays the joker when latitude is given; but when danger threatens him and his, he'll be as focused as a particle accelerator. He is a man who recognises that a weapon can be useful against an enemy, but an ally is far better. He has the obedience, respect, and affection of the men and woman he commands. They see in him the leader who dedicates himself to his team as much as to the mission. Sam has served under officers who looked at her and saw 'just' a woman. She's served under commanders who looked at her credentials and said: 'Too valuable to send out into the field'. She's served with superiors who didn't appreciate being out-thought by a subordinate. Jack O'Neill is not any of those. Whatever his initial issues with her presence on his team, he's overcome them. It's not only an honour, but a pleasure to serve with him - however delicate the relationship between them might be. In spite of what people think of them, staying on SG-1 keeps them safe. He would never make advances on a subordinate, and she would never fall in love with her commanding officer. So they work together comfortably, protected in the knowledge that their positions on SG-1 make them individually and collectively inviolable. Staying on the team allows her to feed the hunger for his presence, but keeps her from feeling more than she wants to. Except when he smiles at her. She can deny everything else, but she can't resist the smile. So it's always 'sir'. * FINIS |
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