Hesitation

What value a man's life?

She had hesitated all afternoon, torn between the knowledge she could lose him and the knowledge she could keep him.

Yes, a part of him would never belong here, but the parts she wanted of him - his present and his future - would be hers. Her own past was nothing he would ever have of her - the memories of her husband's quiet strength and tender laughter - so much like his own.

Laira needed that laughter and strength more than the others of her village ever saw. Her people looked at her and saw her leadership and courage, but not the woman beneath. If the truth was told, the woman behind the leader was lonely.

Jack O'Neill had filled that loneliness with his laughter and the smile on his careworn face; with the quirky smile and the gentleness of his dark eyes; with his presence at her table and in her house; and with his presence in her bed these last few nights.

There were aches and hurts in him that she could not heal - as there were scars in her that he could not help. But they were two of a kind: careworn and burdened by their pasts and the leadership of their peoples. That and the shared loneliness - his for his people and the planet he had once called home, and hers in the absence of someone to lean upon - and shared passion had drawn them together these last few days.

She had smiled as she took his old clothing down to the pond to wash. It was good material and sturdy - it would last many seasons if she remade it carefully. And that he had let her take it at all boded well for his state of mind. He was leaving behind the life he had known before he came through the Stone Circle. She had been right to wait for him to deal with his grief and his loss - even if it was not fully healed now, he had accepted a place in Edoran society and time would fade the pain of his loss the way it had faded the pain of Laira's own loss.

But as she set the small black thing aside, it hissed at her and spoke, and the voice which emitted from it shattered the fragile cocoon Laira had spun for herself.

What value a man's life?

Although Major Samantha Carter had interacted little with Laira herself, Laira had heard much of her and the others of Jack's team in the last three months. Jack spoke nothing but good of 'Carter', as he called her. From what Laira heard, it was well within Major Carter's ability to reach Edora when they believed themselves cut off.

She washed the clothes with more haste than usual. If Jack's friends were coming for him, then her time with him was limited. Laira was under no illusions as to Jack's feeling for her. He might share her bed, but his friends shared his life. Had the fire-rain not buried the Stone Circle he would have flirted and teased and smiled at her, but he would have returned with his people to Earth, not stayed on Edora.

On the walk back to the house, she frowned, looking down at the device bumping along in the top of the basket. Major Carter said something about limited air for the man sent through. If that was so, then perhaps his air had already run out.

Perhaps it had not.

When she returned to the house, Jack was not to be seen. Perhaps he and Paynan had gone to find more wood - the winter was coming and it would be a bitter and harsh one.

She hung out the clothes, putting the device in her pocket. Then, once they were done, she did the dishes, waiting for the sound of Jack's return. She did not hear him return.

Standing by the window with the device cradled in her hand, Laira desperately wished to believe that the life of a man did not hinge on her interference.

Should she go find him? Tell him about the voices she heard? Perhaps Teal'c would make it to the surface without Jack's help. He was a big man, and strong, after all, and she wanted every moment she could to preserve the life she built for Jack and herself.

But as the moments passed and the shadows lengthened, she forced herself to look at the decision she must make.

At first when she heard the voice there was only the thought that his friends were coming to take him back. The loss of Jack from her life seemed assured.

Then came the realisation that although they were attempting to reach him, it was possible that Teal'c would not make it to the surface before he ran out of air. And she was presented with a second option.

Remain silent, and perhaps fate would allow her to keep Jack after all. He need never know his friends tried to reach him at all.

Speak out or remain silent...

She swept the floor of the house, nearly trembling from the force of the decision which pressed upon her.

Her life was so long empty, until Jack O'Neill filled it.

Voices outside made her rear up from her work. Jack's voice with the soft drawl that could become gently intimate in the night. Paynan's gruff tones interspersed with Garan's excited speech.

He was back.

Did she tell him or didn't she?

When she emerged from the house, they were sitting at the table outside, chatting amicably. She sat down beside him, feeling the warmth of arm, hip, and thigh against her. Paynan said something which she didn't quite hear.

What value a man's life?

What value her own integrity?

How could she call herself a leader when the example she set was less than worthy of herself, her people, and her ancestors?

Jack was talking when he sensed her mood. He stopped his explanation to Paynan, regarding her quizzically. "What?"

Ancestors give me strength… She held out the device. "When I was taking your things away today, I thought I heard a sound come from this." The longing to keep him and the fear of losing him made her hesitant, "Perhaps a voice…"

He took the device from her like a man in a dream, but she could already see the warring disbelief and belief in his face. Turning, he ran for the valley like a man possessed, and Laira watched him go and felt the ache of loneliness returned.

If his friend still lived, then Jack was certainly lost to her.

If his friend was dead, then perhaps he would be lost to her nevertheless.

As Paynan stood to follow Jack down to the valley, Laira let her head bend over in silent prayer to the ancestors. Let his friend be alive!

What value her integrity?

Better to lose him to his friends than to his own bitterness and resentment.

Too late to take back her choice.

Her indecision might yet require more of her than she was willing to give.

Laira sat there until Garan returned some time later and reported that Jack and his friend were digging up the Stargate. She listened to his youthful excitement and gave him permission to return to assist Jack and his friend. Then she put her head in her hands and allowed herself the luxury of her grief.

He came back from the valley in which the Stone Circle resided with his friend, dirty, yet exultant. There was no hint he yet realised she had delayed telling him the news; only a mixture of emotions that blurred across his face as he looked from Teal'c to Laira. She served the food and cleared the plates and went to bed.

He did not join her in bed that night.

She heard them talking out in the main room, the quiet tones of his friend and his own soft voice, and her tears dampened the pillow as she accepted the sacrifice involved in doing what was right.

Days later, when he asked her to return with him to Earth, her heart leaped, and she almost told him 'yes'. But what she had been to him on Edora was not what she would be to him on Earth. She would not share his life as his friends did. Away from the village she called home all her life, a loneliness of a different kind would set in and there would be no cure for it.

She would stay here with her people, as he would leave with his.

So she refused him and saw acceptance and gratitude in his eyes. Acceptance of her decision, and gratitude for her love. He didn't care about her as she had come to care for him, but she would never forget the gentleness - or the passion - of him for those few nights.

As he walked away with his friends, her hand touched her belly.

She would wait and hope, and maybe her loneliness would once again be broken by the presence of his child.

And Laira would never forget him.

*