Too Much To Lose

There's a knock at the door, and her piano-man for the night comes in. Dr. Nick Ulman of the USAF Academy Hospital gives her an admiring smile. "You look lovely, Major."

She supposes she does. Everyone has told her so, anyway. From Cassie, sweetly spunky in the latest teenage fashions; to General Hammond who kissed her cheek and didn't say the things caught in his eyes. "Thank-you, Doctor."

Nick is watching her with wide dark eyes and she gives him a smile. Brittle behind the beauty, but where another would have seen the pain behind the expression, this man does not.

"You'll do fine, Sam."

"Only with my backing pianist," she tells him as they leave the communal 'dressing room' and make their way to the wings of the stage. This variety night was put on to help collect funds for the refurbishment of one of the hospital wings. Sure, they could have just appealed to the USAF bureacracy, but this way was deemed more enjoyable than wading through red tape.

Out in the auditorium, the people gasp and laugh and clap at the two orderlies giving a magic show. Not a bad one either, if Sam recalls correctly. They vanish some items and produce others out of thin air.

She can think of one thing she'd like them to produce out of thin air.

"Major Carter?" The emcee tonight is one of the doctors who works at the hospital. He's a cheerful, garrulous fellow with a gift for filling in time. "Ready to roll?"

"Yes."

He grins at her. "Did we ever say 'Thanks for doing this', Major?"

She smiles faintly. "No need, Doc." Thank Janet, Cassie, and Helena who dragged her into this. Cassie insisted she sing, Janet picked the song from her repertoire, and Helena dragged her through every shop in Colorado Springs to find her a dress. She doesn't know what she'd have done without them and Daniel and Teal'c these last four months.

Out on stage, the magicians bow, and 'vanish' in a puff of smoke. The kids and adults 'ooh' and 'ahh', and clap and cheer loudly as the curtain falls.

Sam walks to the black cross marked on the stage floor, as bits and pieces of the magic show are wheeled off. Dr. Turnbull steps out onto the front section of the stage and starts his blurb for inbetween the acts. "I hope they don't vanish with the proceeds of tonight's show!" The audience laughs. "Okay folks, time for a complete change of mood. We are honoured to have a very lovely lady singing for us tonight. She's a Major with the USAF, and a Doctor of Theoretical Astrophysics." Behind the curtain, a stagehand puts a microphone in front of her and adjusts it so the mouthpiece is her height. The boy - someone's teenaged son - gives her a grin and a wink.

Dr. Turnbull continues, "What's Theoretical Astrophysics, I hear you ask? I have no idea! But it means she's much smarter than you or me!"

Her breath catches in her throat, remembering those words in another time and another place. Almost another life.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, girls and boys, put your hands together for Major Samantha Carter singing 'What Can You Lose'!"

The curtain rises, revealing an endless applauding darkness. She's certain she can hear Cassie's noisy whoop out there, the whistles are probably the SGC personnel led by Ferretti and Connor, and isn't that a "Go, Sam!" from Daniel, Janet, and Helena?

Sam waits as Nick plays the introduction, and comes in on her cue:

"What can you lose?
Home with the blues."

It's not a song the kids will understand, nor many of the adults out there. And it's not a song he'll ever hear from her.

But it's her song.

There are people out there who will understand what she means, and they'll never say anything. She can trust them not to say anything.

"Why keep concealing everything you're feeling?
Say it to him.
What can you lose?"

Sam trusted herself not to say anything, give anything away.

Her trust was rewarded.

Her trust was betrayed.

It eats away at her now. The knowledge that she could have told him, that she should have said something.

She never did.

"What if it shows he's confused
which he chose to ignore?"

Sam thought of sidelong grins and bad jokes; teasing comments and fireside talks; and the trust in his voice as he said, "So how we gonna get out of this one, Carter?" She thought of arguments with Daniel, and explanations to Teal'c, disagreements with the General and other august personages, jokes with Ferretti and Devlin and Connor. She thought of his hands tucked in pockets, and his fingers prodding at her experiments, sarcastic observations, and smart remarks. The way his eyes looked down when he was embarrassed or shy or when his emotions were too strong to let others see.

"Maybe though he knows and just wants to go on as before
As a friend: nothing more.
So he closes the door."

Who closed the door in the end? Who dictated they keep it to themselves, 'in the room', as it were?

She took the initiative, because she could see the apprehension in his eyes as he contemplated letting everything out. It was an acknowledgement he'd never have made of his own accord. It was an acknowledgement neither of them could cope with - not out in the open instead of in the quiet peace that stretched between them while camped on another planet.

"Well, if he does,
Those are the dues."

They developed a working relationship again, but it was hard. First the za'tarc testing, then the Jonah-Thera situation, and things which stretched unspoken between them. He kept asking her fishing; she kept refusing. Not because she didn't want to go, but because she couldn't accept everything behind the invitations. But that was the price to be paid for each others' company.

Once the words are spoken
Something may be broken;
Still you love him.
What can you lose?"

They could have lost their commissions, their self-respect, his command, her standing. So much to lose, too much to gamble on. So they never took back what they said, but they never acted on it either.

She never thought she'd lose him.

"But what if he goes?
At least now you have part of him.
What if he had to choose?"

They'd deemed the choice between saving the world and having each other too hard to make, so they had procrastinated. Walked the fine line between abiding and flouting regulations, and assumed tomorrow would be like yesterday.

The choice was made.

If there ever was to be more, she'll never know.

"Leave it alone.
Hold it all in."

She'll hold it all inside her for a long time yet. Not forever. But a long time to come. Only in this song can she let all her emotion out under the guise of an act for this variety night. It's not a confession, or an admission. It's just a song her friend chose for her to perform.

If she sings it with more feeling than she should, then it's the penalty she pays for loving a man she shouldn't have.

"Better apart,
Don't even begin
With so much to win…
There's too much to lose…"

Nick finishes off the accompaniment with soft notes that fade into silence, and the auditorium sits spellbound for a breathless moment. Then the applause rolls out from the darkness, and there are people hollering and cheering as she stares out into the darkness. And all she's seeing is the warmth in his eyes as they said good-night, and she went to sleep while he kept watch, only to wake with him gone.

The curtain falls, and Nick takes her shoulder, "Told you they'd be impressed!" He gives her a gentle smile, and she smiles back, but her heart isn't in it.

"Thanks for the backup, Dr. Ulman," she tells him.

"It was a pleasure, Sam." He'd like to say more, but her expression forestalls it. She knows he's attracted to her. He'd ask her out if she gave him the slightest bit of encouragement. She won't. She's loved two men and both are dead - or as good as.

She won't risk a third one.

On P3N-995, Jack O'Neill vanished without a trace. In nothing more than his fatigues and his boots, he left their camp and vanished into the night. No tracks, no hints, no body, no sign.

He left behind his weapons, his pack, his bedroll and sleeping bag; a distraught team, a concerned commander and a mourning base.

That was four months ago.

After four months of repeated searches, including downtime when Teal'c, Daniel, and Sam went to the planet and travelled for two days in all directions looking for any sign of him, the General called the search off. A week ago, Sam's temporary command of SG-1 became permanent, and Captain Jarrod Peyton joined the personnel roster of SG-1. Colonel Jonathan O'Neill is MIA, presumed dead.

Out in the audience, she takes her seat among her teammates and her friends.

"You okay, Sam?" Janet asks quietly

"Fine, Jan." She's not, but the lie keeps them off her case.

Teal'c looks over the Doctor's shoulder with understanding in his eyes. "It was a beautiful performance, MajorCarter."

Daniel takes her hand and squeezes it, "Lovely, Sam." On his other side, Helena smiles gently.

Her friends who've pulled her through the dark days, and who will hopefully pull her through the darkest days looming ahead of her.

"Better apart,
Don't even begin
With so much to win…"

"G'night, sir." She settled down in her bedroll and closed her eyes, safe and comforted in the knowledge he was keeping watch over them all.

"'Night, Carter."

"There's too much to lose…"

*